Fortune Cookie

Today, the wife and I sat at the Toyota dealership as we waited to get both cars' oil changed.

We lounged in the lobby, drinking our Starbucks, sitting next to a table with two Oriental ladies.

Andrea became nervous as I was questioning her as to where she thought the were from. (Japan, China, or Korea) - although "Toyota" probably should have given it away...

I became (apparently) too audible for her liking as she kept shh-Shing me.

My tactics were harmless. And not at ALL racist. (I find that if you say "I'm not being racist" - that excuses you from any accusation) that's what I've learned from Hollywood. :-)

We were given complimentary chocolate chip cookies and, to determine if they were Chinese, I was audibly asking "I wonder if there is a fortune in here" - had there been it would have probably read "you will soon find yourself with diabetes."

I Got shh'd.

I was googling how to say " hello" in Japanese, and tried to trick Andrea into saying the following phrase. "What does this mean 'coon e cheewah'?"

She did not fall for it.

Got shh'd again.

I did not have a chance to a venture into any Korean inquisition as we had to leave.

I suppose it is not easy being out and about with me as I have the ability to speak. 

However, just before we had to leave, the service person walked over towards us with a confused face. He looked right at us and said "sorry, thought you were someone else behind the plant."

(There was a 9 inch plant at the table (large enough to disguise me, apparently)

I thought "who did he think I was?" A florist? Funeral director? A jungle cat?!

As were were checking out, the same guy came back up and said "oh, that WAS you" "I saw you on the other side of the plant" - which means he has x-ray vision...he's just not good at recognizing who he sees.....much like the Oriental friends we did not meet. I did, however, come up with a BRIILIANT way to ask without offending.

I will simply say "what color is your flag?"

~ note to self: learn what a Japanese, Chinese, and Korean flag looks like!!

Throwback Monday

On Monday, October 13th - we celebrate Columbus Day. Or as I like to call it "Majority Ignorant Day" as I'm sure most people are not aware of what kind of monster that Chris Columbus was. Though there is a catchy tune about how to remember him and his travels, he made a much more lasting impression on the natives that welcomed (or ran from) him.

Upon arrival he captured many islanders to work in his gold mines. He did not waste time jumping on the slavery bus as he sold young native girls into sexual slavery.
Many of these slaves died of exhaustion working in his mines - if an "Indian" worker did not deliver his full quota of gold dust by a certain deadline, soldiers would cut off the man's hands and tie them around his neck to send a message! Gee, what a stand-up guy.

Columbus made a second trip to the new world and, this time, brought cannons and attack dogs to help capture the native people. Goodness...Spain. Is. Awesome! (Condescending tone implied)

Why don't we rename the day? Instead of recalling the name of a Sadaam-like tyrant!

I find it interesting that, today, we get in trouble for wanting foreigners to simply get a job upon entering our country...when, it seems, that (way back then) we could have SERIOUSLY used some border patrol!

They honeslty should have thrown back Chris Columbus instead of Thursday...

Play It Backward

As I write this, and contemplate whether or not Taylor Swift has recently purchased stock in "Steak and Shake" - I want to share a quick experience that I had.
By the way, this attached pic is of the fam as we head away from Whataburger - one of the few fast-food joints not affected by a recent storm in Rockwall causing many power outages, and debris relocated. (Fortunately, God had His hand on Starbucks as well and they remained undamaged - ugh! Can you imagine Rockwall without a working Starbucks?!? Armagedden!!
By the way number two (tee hee, "number two") - the song playing on the radio was being brought to us by an artist that went by the handle of Hootie and not Darius...

And now on to the meat of the story...

On my way to work last week I exited the highway and pulled up to a stop light. Resting behind two other cars I noticed a person with a sign asking for money. These people always frighten me. Because I am sheltered and watch too many movies. However, a gospel song was playing and I felt the need to actually partake in the activity of helping someone. I knew I had some change in my change drawer holder (formally known as an ash tray), rolled down my window and he spoke to me and said "I'm just trying to get enough for some breakfast at McDonald's." I handed him what amounted to 5 one dollar bills. He said "If you was a woman I'd kiss ya." I started to reply - that's prostitution and out of the question. I felt pleased that I could help, and pleased that he did not pull a knife, gun, or set of lips on me. Then, as I drove off, I noticed that he remained...still intending to ask oncoming vehicles for money.

I am familiar with the McDonald's dollar menu and I know that I just gave him what equals to at least 4 meals...and to just keep on asking after saying "I just want enough to get a meal" - well, I turned my truck around, plowed down that service road and ran him over!

I'm kidding, I got out, wrestled him for my 5 bucks back.

I'm kidding, I'd be too afraid to wrestle anyone!

The Left and Uriah

There has been a time or two that I have been referred to as "The Man." As in, "you're the MAN!"
Mostly at the reflection of my mirror with a two-thumbs up/winky face from yours truly.
Most of the time "you're the man" is a cool thing.
However, there are times when that is not so good.
As in 2 Sam 12:7 where Nathan tells David a story about a rich man who had many things and a man who had one little lamb that he babied and nurtured (even to the point of allowing her to eat and sleep in his lap - a mini-beagle-lamb, no doubt.) When a traveler came to the rich man he was unwilling to use any of his livestock to sacrifice in order to provide a meal for the traveler, but instead took the poor man's lamb, and used that for the meal. This did NOT sit well with King David and he wanted the rich man dead! Plus, he wanted the poor man's loss restored 4 times!! David had compassion on the poor man as his, anger was kindled organist the rich man.
(Billy Mays voice) - But wait, there's more!
Nathan was consulting David regarding this issue for the sole purpose of exposing his own sin. - David had recently murdered Uriah (Hebrew for kidney infection) via the sword and took Uriah's wife for his own. -

Once David pronounced judgment on the rich man, Nathan hit him with "You are the man."
Words not easily accepted as they were also accompanied by all of his recent sins as well as the judgment of losing his wives in public forms of humiliation.
It was then that David admitted that he was wrong. (Probably the right call)
(Where ya going with this Dave-O?) - whelp, I find it interesting that David got so emotionally involved with a situation and yet missed out on his own choices causing pain.
Do you know anyone that is causing grief by their actions? And also causing pain all the while so blind of their own behavior?
Well of COURSE ya do! (Fake smiley face, condescending tone)

But who is the real hero here? Is it Nathan? So cleverly tricking David into casting hypocritical judgment on a situation less serious than his own?
Or is it God who forgave him after admitting that he was in the wrong?
I submit to you that the hero is anyone that understands that they can be the better person by simply realizing the negative actions they are causing must cease. Just back down, don't get all offended and realize that the people that love you truly LOVE you.
Don't play some "victim" like a whiney, dead gecko. Call it what it is and let the people that would otherwise judge you simply forgive you.
In the spirit of love..Love your neighbor.
So "be the man!" Or "be the woman!"

Just don't be "THE man" - you get it. ;-)

~ Winters and Losers ~

*If I could, somehow...go back in time.
 Back to the very first conversation that this happened. And slightly alter the episode of the birth of a phrase...I would do so. I would SO...do so!

 I would travel the great distance that it would require, just to seize control of a simple (yet overused, mistreated, out-dated...lame, unintended for this type of description) two-worded pile of letters that only come around once(d) a year to haunt my deepest, seasonal, dreams.
"This" time of year. When it is...oh what's the word? "Cold." As it is (wait for it) - every. time. of. year. - during these months.

Folks, if I could pinpoint the exact moment that it took place - I would dress very nicely (just in case there is a photo opportunity) - I would eat a solid breakfast to keep my strength (little as it is) - Then I would load up in the device of said time travel, enter my destination/location and so forth. Allow the machine to travel while I played Candy Crush or checked out the latest Bit Strips...may log on to Obamacare's website.

Once I arrived, I would travel to the location of the un-blessed event. Very politely slither into the "conversation" that included the "one". The "architect" of the verbal terror destined to plague my already pointy ears to the point of consuming entirely too much egg nog...

I would listen to he/she rambling on...with me nodding along as if entrigued to no end fake laughs abounding - then, as soon as I felt the presence of the moment, as soon as I understood my lot in life (time machine notwithstanding) - I would ever so gently place my hand upon this strangers mouth. Silencing them. Stunning the crowd. Changing the world. Bending the flow of life!!

No doubt such action would be received with a bug-eyed face of confusion.
 Certainly. Cannot argue with you.
 I would react with the same if it were to happen to me.
 I would place my other hand up to the on-looking crowd (I'm guessing this is some sort of dinner party and every one is dressed fancy with drinks in hand that I could not even pronounce...and English accents - but I'm not sure why) - stifling their murmuring. I would then give my newly acquired, mute victim this look of  "fear not, I bring you tidings of great joy" - and would usher he/she into a room. Alone. (Probably a library) - Determined to explain my brute interruption. That's fair. They deserve that. (I'm going to assume it's a "he" now.)

"Fella", I would say, "You have NO idea the damage you almost brought about the world."
"MMrrrfff, mmrrf, kkddlldiddle" - he'd say, as my hand is still over his mouth.
"What?" I'd retort, removing my hand.
"What is the meaning of this?" He'd bellow. "How dare"

Simple - you were in your changing room hours ago getting ready for this party. Muttering something about the weather (I would know this because I have a time machine, of course) and you noted not just THAT it was cold, not just HOW cold, but that it was both "wintry" and that it seemed as if the north pole just shot all of its elements at your little (English, apparently) town.

~ It was then that he would understand that by placing my hand over his mouth - I prevented anyone from hearing the phrase "Winter Blast." ~

With a quick zap of my "Men In Black mind eraser thing" (again, time machine - how are you not getting that I have cool gadgets?) I would then warn him not to use that phrase or his children will limp in circles forever...thus exstinguishing the light of that verbal pot from ever boiling.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, into the car and glanced at the dash.

Zoomed back to now, with gladness and glee.

Knowing what peace the Morning News will be.

Just to hear the meterologists, together.

Announcing that "it's just cold" - when referring to the weather!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all that want a winter blast, go to Dairy Queen.

- dave

Miracle on 34th

Thursday (tomorrow) marks one year that I turned 33, and discovered that I had a brain tumor. (Do I mention the brain thing too much?) - Well, fortunately, the results of the biopsy came back benign. And, I now have resting in my skull a 16 screw plate! Which does NOT serve as a filter for my random/albeit inappropriate thoughts. I have noticed, however, that I do not get those "ice cream headaches" like I used to.

I've also looked at life differently. It's fragile. It's fleeting. I take things for granted...not marble. :( - my humor has not improved either.

I wonder what the next year holds?
This past year was accompanied with a plethura of changes. I had my 15th high school reunion. (hey everybody)

We sold our house in Greenville. Moved to a new one in Rockwall! The kids are staying by themselves during the summer. (Yikes!) We opened another Forest Park facility in Frisco. Lost some co-worker friends to new jobs...:(  (miss you people)
Tried to step out of my comfort zone and get closer with some remaining co-workers...amazing what you discover about people and yourself! - Mostly, people are crazy!! Random. Amazing. Scary.

I finally...finally started my book and have close to 7000 words (at the time of this writing)
Still playing piano for my church.
Still singing and playing for Harmony.
Still dominating my kids in Mario Kart...for the most part.
Still like watching people that are "people watching"
Still working in the OR changing the lives of those around me one sarcastic statement at a time - (there's one NOW!)

Next year, I'm sure, will be the meeting of new people. Deeper looks at current relationships. A revamped Mavs roster (ugh!) - Hopefully finishing the book. Lowering my cholesterol, while gaining weight. - weird combo. It ain't easy.

I am under the impression that 34 is the new 43.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight...it's the one who doesn't flinch first when sprayed in the face with the water hose!

Keep reading my Facebook statuses...there's a test at the end. :)

p.s. Please mind your "You're's and "Your's" - let's use them correctly. Makes my life easier.

Sonic Boom

God is either helping me, or making fun of me! I will resolve that He places people in our paths to pray for. Some for wisdom, or financial freedom. Some for balance...I said, balance...-

It used to be that the local Sonic carhop could skate out to your car, tray in one hand, change in the other with the swan-like grace of Emmitt Smith when he was on Dancing With the Stars...those days are apparently gone as, today, I was tackled like Emmitt Smith when he was in a Cardinal uniform!

I had pulled up to the talking menu station. I placed our order. My wife and I enthralled in a conversation about some silly co-worker, then our order arrives. Boy...did it "arrive"! As I nodded my head impatiently because "yes, that's what I ordered" I heard this "WHOA!" - and saw this giant Sonic cup. It was giant because it was so close to my face...and had gotten there so quickly! The carhop FELL. Not down. INTO my car door. Somehow, flat concrete managed to throw her! And I caught my beverage as she hurled it to me. " She was not hurt. But I had rapid heart palpitations! It's one thing if you know a klutz and they trip. (My son runs into the wall ALL the time) - but this was not expected. I thought that someone (NOT wearing skates, mind you) would make it through this purchase accident free.

Then came the time for the chatter. "Wow", she said. "That's never happened to me before."

"Me neither." I said in this "this is actually the first time a human has thrown a styrofoam cup at me while slamming their hands on my door when, all I did, was order a burger and you are attacking me-voice"

(It's not over folks) - She then..........stands on one foot. As if part flamingo. And says "see, I have good balance." "I normally stand like this." (she displays the Karate Kid pose) - One foot, people! It's daylight! WHAT do the other customers think I am making this woman do?!

You're keeping the change because I don't want to to pelt me with a bunch of coins!

I just felt like sharing. So, remember, praying for balance often means having the patience to deal with other people's unbalances. Maybe I trip and fall and don't realize it either. I'll watch my step. You watch yours.

And, next time, go to Jack in the Box!!

Later.

Something Smells

So, we pull into the gas station tonight and I did what any good husband would do. I let the WIFE pump the gas!
She goes inside to get beverages...to leave me vulnerable to the world. Well, it happened. Little did I know that having my window down to let in the first cool breeze in 6 years would bite me in the booty! This fella walks over to my side of the car, leans over, placing a paper IN the car and says "Hey, buddy, how are ya?" "What kind of cologne do you like?"

Time stops and I address the situation from every perspective. First off, I have an (yes 74th time you've read this) AWKWARD meter!! Unless the vehicle is on fire, do NOT reach in towards me or my family!
I respond with "Really?" "You are THIS much in my car?" - he takes offense and says "What, did I freak you out?" -

I said "Well, i have this 'close personal space' issue" - and I've recently had brain surgery (and I lean my head over pointing out the divot in my head!" As to which HE became awkard, backed away and said "Oh, my bad." "Everything okay?" I said "Yeah, I'm alright" - He then fled the scene realizing that the strange pedler at gas stations had better watch out for "North Dallas Man"! as they called me on the TV.

At some point, if I'm not careful, I'm gonna let this tumor go to my head!...:) - but I will use to my advantage.

"The Talk"

Well, it happened.
I finally had "the talk" with my son.
The questions of a ten year old will seldom disappoint in the "outrageous" category!
This was no different.

There I was conjuring up metaphors and juvenile comparisons that would be both informative, educating, and (gulp) memorable.

Determined to do this right I decided not to hold back and to leave no subject out of bounds.

I even went as far as to say that he shouldn't be surprised by the use of COSTUMES!
He was a little bit curious about "tag-teaming", but if I was going to be 100% truthful, I had to mention it.

He asked if it was normal if they take shirts off first. I simply put that it just depends on the situation.

He was a little doubtful at first, but I finally convinced him........that..........wrestling was, indeed, fake!

:)

Dirk Not This Time-zki

The stress is over. I can relax. I can focus my life again!

Finally. I get to congratulate the World Champion Dallas Mavericks!

Not just for winning the NBA Finals, but for putting to rest years of "experts" that claim "Dallas will never win with Cuban." Or, "Dirk will never get a championship because he is soft" Or, you blog isn't really THAT funny" (wait a minute!)

Let's give credit to whom it is due:

Thank you Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Deshawn Stevenson for playing defense on a team labeled as "offense only".

Thank you Jason Kidd for coming back home and knocking down unexpected threes! And triple-doubling at such an advanced age! ;)

Thank you Jason Terry for doing that little "flight" thing you do when you make a three, or hitting a clutch shot.

Thank you JJ for being so darn quick!

Thank you Mr. Mark Cuban for minding your manners during the playoffs!

Thank you bench for stepping up during injuries or when teammates disappeared!

Thank you Mr. Rick Carlisle for outcoaching Phil Jackson, and that coat-tail riding fella in Miami!

Thank you to all the non-bandwagon fans! You know who you are.

I think that just about covers it......

....Kidding! C'mere ya big German teddy bear! Thank you Dirk for hitting the prettiest shot after shot with a contorted body that looks like you're making fun of somebody playing horse while drunk! Thanks for the threes! Thanks for the rebounds. Thanks for the gritty drives to the hoop.

And thanks for being so stinkin' clutch!

This team will now HAVE to be referred to as "The Champs" when playing next year.

As Dirk and I turn 33 this summer, I cannot help but remember watching this team through the 90's and thinking...atleast we have the Cowboys!

Now, all of the Miami haters can say "Atleast we have the Mavs!"

Congratulations guys. You've have earned it and made this the most memorable Finals for me, ever.

Sound Affects....

Hi there,

Today's topic will cover the lack of manners and contageous amnesia regarding how to act while sitting in a dark movie theater.

Now I know that the existence of public movie watching is a relative new thing....if a "new thing" could be defined as something that started around 1895!
You would THINK that people would have learned how to act by now.

Apparently not.

When preparing for battle, tons of steps must be taken. Many hours of preparation will be involved.
When preparing for a test, there is studying. Heck, going to the bathroom even requires a check of the ole' toilet paper roll to make sure adequate paperage is there!
So, and I'm SURE I'm asking too much, but would it be too far a reach to have a pre-movie check-list before you hunt for a seat in the dark and scare the paying customers with enough common sense to get there on time??

I take my kids to see a harmless animated film about an obese bear with MAD Kung-Fu skills. It's me, my wife, a seven year old, and a ten year old. We would fill up four seats out of a five seat row. But, before the movie even begins...there are SIX people on our row.

Here is our GENIOUS idea...whilst the wife and a kid get the food...another kid and I get the seats. It's about 20-something minutes until the previews begin. Sounds harmless enough.

The devastation begins with a lady and her "must-speak-in-maximum-decibal-level-child" complaining about where to sit! The real problem is not that Gilbet Godfrey's son was so audible, it was that his mother kept answering him based on what he was saying and not the shear deafening level he was exhibiting. No, never heard a "shh". Only her responding as if he had a point!
Then, there was the jolting of my seat and the seats next to me by, what can only be described as "belly bumping". I've been on airplanes with turbulence with less of a seat jarring!

And all this..before lovely wife arrived with food and beverage.
And, as the four of us settled, we then witnessed redneck after hillbilly fumble in. Loud and confused...like drunk sheep at Nascar! - I do NOT assume that they are rednecks....I gathered this information based on their reaction from a clip of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby that flashed on the screen! "Woo Hoo" - "That's a good 'en!" And so forth.

The previews were now beginning and seats were about 75% full. The remaining 25% entered at what appeared to be the same EXACT time. There weren't seats available at more than two at a time...but we, of course, had people in groups of six and seven literally walking all the way to the front and back up to the back. Guys were griping "I'm literally blind". "I can't see a thing"! - (This apparently affected his ears too as he was practically yelling!)

Alas, the piece' d' resisDUNCE! - A lady with three kids and a friend was looking for seats. The three kids were placed in front of us and, wouldn't ya stinkin' know it, the ONE seat available on the inside by the wall was SO conveniently available for the tattoo'd mother to sit at so that she could check her brightly-lit phone, and hold her kid, and discuss what plans they had after the movie, that I was not going to be able to pay attention too due to the circus of noise, will end.

Then, I say THEN the movie begins. Only to be interrupted by phones ringing. No, not the "oops I forgot to silence my phone" occurences. The "let's see who this is and let it ring four times so that the entire ringtone of Sweet Home Alabama plays!"
The parents trying to hush their kids only by YELLING at them that "You're disturbin' err'body" "Quiet a'fore ya git thrown out"! - Seriously, were the Beverly Hillbillies filming a reunion?

All I'm saying is, have a little dress rehearsal. Tell your kids that it's expected that they be quiet, silence your phones, get your food in plenty of time, get to your seats and pretend that there are 300 strangers that do not wish to know what's going on with your lives!

Thanks! Silence is Golden.....and non-existent!

The Legend of Granny

Fairfield TX holds many memories for me. Naps, 42, singing, getting ears punctured in the back of a pick up bed for "weight loss" purposes! But my favorite memory is in the person of my wife's grandmother - Jewel Morris. I will refer to her as "Granny" simply because, when introducing myself for the first time, she said "Call me Granny" - as to which my wife replied, "Everyone else does"!

She lived for 86 years, and if you broke apart the word "lived", you could see: loved, taught, made laugh, led, cared, served, and countless other positive influential phrases that could be inserted. I just remember he being so funny. Without even trying, I'm sure. Her little phrases that she spouted off mid-sentence catching people off guard. She would always ask me to play the piano. "Go over, sit down and play something." Before I got through with "What would you like to hear?" - She would interrupt "It don't matter!"

If she had a Facebook, her statuses would probably constantly be

Jewell Morris: Cooked for several people today.

Served everyone that I crossed paths with.

Gave a lot of advice today.

Skunked some friends and family at 42.

Made the world a better place and made it look easy!

...and ALL of her friends would like her status!

I will miss her house. The sounds, availability of food. Scanner in the background, tv on for the kids, the pictures, the way she would ask questions specific to each individual life. "How is your singing group?" "Or, "how is work at your hospital?"

My Mother's mother passed when I was only one year old, so, she was VERY much my second Grandmother.

We celebrated her life this past Monday and all the wonderful things said about how great of a person she was made me re-evaluate the relationship with my own family. It also makes me want to leave the legacy that she was able to leave. I am not used to so many members of a family staying that close for that long. The Matriarch can make or break a family. She set the example of how it is to be done!

She will be missed but NEVER forgotten. She will quoted, and honored.

God has truly added a Jewel to his treasure in Heaven.

Thank you.

...You Know You're From Colorado If....

...You tell your spouse to pick up granola on their way home and they stop at the daycare!!

Howdy folks! Fresh off of a return from a little state I call Colorado having some major fun in the mountains and rivers and Wal-Mart!

It started with a flight to Kansas City, then straight over to Denver, which is not as impressive as I thought it would be.....probably because the Nuggets play there! Anyway, what WAS impressive were the endless mountains and clear COLD, and I mean "Do I have a brass bra on in the middle of winter?" cold!!

We ski-lifted our way up to a beautiful scenic place where we played washers, took pictures, and got heckled in the bathroom!

We bunjee bounced, rock climbed, and enjoyed the view of a golf course from our window....and, got threatened to get beaned by a golf ball shortly before taking our football throwing entertainment elsewhere!

My kids are apparently half crocodile hunter (may he rest in peace) because, apparently, - THEY DO NOT KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO TOPPLING OFF OF A MOVING RAFT WHILE IT IS SKIMMING DOWN THE RIVER!!!

- That brings me to my six year old Caden. He, desperately trying to be like his friend and brother, wanted to be lifted over our raft as we were white water rafting down the Colorado River. In spite of the two ten year olds wailing due to the extreme coldness of the water as they did this shiver-bounce-bobble thing while clinging to the little purple rope on the side of the vessel, he allowed me to place him into the river....only to scream "get me out, get me out!" a good TWO seconds later. So I hoisted him back in and then proceded to rescue the other two. Much to my blindness, as I was struggling to dead lift two 90+ pound slippery boys.....little Mr Fall Guy LAUNCHES himself off the other side of the raft!!!! - Who IS this kid?? Our river-guide-paddle-lady sifted him from the water via his life vest. And I just laid there and tried to breathe. Oh it's clear air, there's just not enough of it!

Later, 25 feet above the ground and THOUSANDS of feet above sea-level while on another death-trap these people call a ski-lift, Drew and I are alone enjoying the scenery...and by enjoying I mean counting the bicycles on the passing seats heading the opposite direction! Can you REALLY be that pre-occupied that you don't notice the nature around you? But atleast he had fun!

Our guests (The Mays family, no kin to Billy - may he rest in peace as well) were so helpful in that, everytime we got lost, they would take over the navigational responsibility and lead us to other areas to get completely lost!! My only complaint was all the circle roads and yielding opportunities while driving through town!

Much more fun was had.....losing sunglasses in Eagle River, Falling into Eagle River causing said sunglasses to fling away, watching grown adults try to do a back flip in a trampoline bunjee device, cheering as our Caden climbed "his" rock-wall, getting up and enjoying cool mornings and gorgeous sunsets, jumping into a river from the shore the way God intended and NOT from a moving raft! - you get the point.

Alas, I leave you with one quicklet of a story.....

You haven't felt your heart race until airport security shows up out of nowhere and asks "What's the trouble here?"

Apparently, "someone" likes to "take" "souveneirs" from "places"

someone = me

take = steal

souveneirs = rocks

places = pretty much wherever I saw a pretty one!

You can't just smuggle those things in your baggage. The scanner person stopped it and started to go through it. Just then some fella with a badge appeared like a mountain Ninja and said "What'd you do now?" he barked, trying to be funny but causing me to nearly tinkle on my self! It was just a half boomerang-sized rock that will go PERFECT in my office! Totally worth it! As was this trip. Andrea and got some MUCH needed relaxation! I hope you enjoy the pictures!

Later

Dave

Let's Get Physical!! Physical!!

Grrrrr!!

My wife must hate me. Why else would she make me go to the doctor to have a "check-up?"

Check-up? They should call it a "Feel-up!"

Let's start this journey today by reminding everyone that I have issues with strangers. You know, aliens that want to make me uncomfortable. (We all get it Dave-O, you have an awkward meter)
Oh no. It went beyond that today! There were multiple opportunities for me to pass right out due to embarrassment. AND I WISH I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OPPORTUNITY!!

First, I circle the complex 6 times because I can't find the right building. I come in and sign in. And, because I had never been there before, I had to do a lot of information offering. (Apparently that wasn't the ONLY thing I was offering)

I get trotted back to a little window office where they make me whiz in a cup in a bathroom where, yet again, you can hear a freakin' pin drop. I didn't care. I just splashed as loud as I Pee'd.. er pleased!! Then they took several vitals, weighed, took my height (no doubt a dress hearsal to take my dignity) - then gave me this breath test twice! I blame this incompetence on the ditzy office girl.

They bounced me down to "room 2" (which stands for "Room 2 probe you" no doubt!)

The doctor pops in, rally's through an onslaught of questions, accompanied by an ear check where he proceeds to tell me that I think I can hear, but I can't. As to which I caught myself saying "What?"

Ah...for the piece de resistance'...."drop your shorts" he tells me. (I'm not wearing shorts, just pants and boxers)...so I take the greater of two evils and drop everything south of the border. He takes his hands and places them where no MAN has placed before, tells me to turn and cough. I wanted to turn and RUN but I didn't want the ditzy office girl see me without my pants on. I'm telling ya, this is NOT a moment that Willy wanted to be freed!!

After the torment was over nurse "first-time" came back in to draw my blood as she was being "monitored". Apparently we train the staff on the brand new patients! I wasn't too concerned until she pointed to my big blue vein, looks up at the onlooking nurse and says "That one?" ........(gulp)

My life flashed before me....and I was bored with most of it! I made a quick list of regrets. (this doctor's visits being right on top) - THEN, I had to take the breath test again because it showed I had ASTHMA! I didn't, I was just a shy breather!

To top it off....I had to pay $15.00 for this visit! If you see somebody naked aren't THEY the ones who gets paid?? I've seen Pretty Woman...this was NOTHING like that!!!!!

All in all, the WORST Dentist I've ever been to!

Later!

Push, Pool...

So it happened. A weekend outing with just me and the boys, some in-laws, strangers in a pool, and an inconvenient bathroom.

Where to begin.....This past Memorial Day weekend the quartet I play for had two concerts. So, the fam and I head off to Fairfield Saturday morning. We arrive at Andrea's granny's place where there's room for 7 or 8 but about 19 is present!!

After a few hours of visiting, Andrea heads back home with her sister because she had work to catch up on. That leaves me and the boys to hang at the fabulous Days Inn motel-bingo-tire-shop! - Okay, it was just a motel....but that small-town feel just takes over me, ya know??

The boys wanted to go swimming. This meant three things.

1. We had to go to Fred's dollar store for swimming apparel.

2. There was the possibility of me drowning, cause I ain't that good a swimmer!

3. And strangers would share a pool with us causing the ole awkward meter to soar to new heights!

My only stipulation was that we would go swimming if NOBODY else was in the pool. So we returned from our fortunate trip to Fred's. (I say fortunate only because I found a ROCKIN' new hat that makes me look cool!!) ..........you'll see!
Once we arrive at the Motel I noticed a lady and her two kids in the pool. - "We wait", I barked.

Ten minutes pass and they migrate away. Off we went, shirtless and paranoid! We enter the pool area, wade on in, and, for about ten minutes, enjoyed some secluded fun in the sun splashing around, chunking a newly purchased ball (another courtesy of Fred's...that place has a LOT!) Although I was nervous because, let's face it, I'm not the best swimmer, not due to lack of trying though! But I managed to crack a smile a time or two at how brave my two sons were.
....But, my life being what it is, our happiness was short-lived as we were joined by a rather older couple and their grand-daughter - who was NOT too grand as it turned out!

After about ten minutes of "company" and a little shark dressed as an eight year old girl, I trodded out of the water. It was at that moment that little orca Annie yelled "Look grandpa, he's got your swim-trunks on" - as to which my usually shy six year old felt it most necessary to reply in a matching yelling decibal level with the phrase "HEY, THAT'S MY DAD!!"

I just kept walking to my seat as I perceived that he had this in his hands now. I am thankful that he felt the need to defend his father's honor.....what was left of it!!

Fast forward to Sunday morning. My quartet had already set sound and apparently wanted to make use of the "facilities." - Note to the architects of churches....do NOT put the "facilities" adjacent to the front door AND the foyer AND the nursery! It makes it VERY difficult to concentrate when you're trying to drop a deuce and there are fifteen conversations going on about 5 feet from you!

....For some reason I feel as if I've shared enough and must gather my thoughts.

Enjoy your week.

Undeniable...scientific...evidence...

...that Snow-Days are fun!!

I needed this. A foot of snow. Two (3) hyper boys getting all geared up.

By all of the recent pictures on Facebook it's easy to know all the people from Texas where we don't get this kind of weather. Do people in Alaska post pics of 75 degree days?? (i don't know but 'alaska!) (I'll ask her, get it?) :)

Here are some pics from today's activities!

Drew shoveling. Caden supervising with 1 glove

Drew pretending to throw snowball.

Caden pretending to be hit...

...then actually falling!

Drew making snow angel.

Me making truck-snow angel.....

Yeah, the kids didn't think it was that funny either.

Me sitting on my new creation.

Drew thought it appropriate to take pic after it collapsed...

A good time was had by all!

One pic I will NOT post is what the inside of the house looked like after we trodded back in...

Later, (Happy anniversary Andrea!)

Smarty Pants...er Boots

My wife is a subtle genius!

A while back she orders these boots. They arrive, but they "don't fit right" - what is "right" Either they fit or they don't. She sends them back, and gets another pair that arrive in a most peculiar way.

We check the mail and we receive a card that says, under the delivered to section - "cab of red pick-up" - (Don't get me started about calling my truck a pick-up, instead of a truck)

So, I go out to my TRUCK, open the door, and there, in rather bold packaging, are the elusive second pair of boots.

Since when have we become so intimate with the U.S. Mail as to place things inside our vehicles??

If it won't fit into the mailbox, and we are not home....LEAVE IT ON THE PORCH! Raining or not. Do not enter open the door of my vehicle! Now, this guy knows that I listen to Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, and Carrie Underwood!! - I'm just not ready for our postal relationship to be at that level.

Back to the boots.....or the "idea to purchase apparel" in general.

The previous pair don't "fit right", these fit fine.....but we discover that she does not have the right shade of jeans to go with them. - Really babe? I've done enough laundry to know how many jeans you have. And yet, you MUST get a color that you conveniently "don't have" in order for this SECOND pair of boots to be worn. "OR" she says, "Now I need a brown pair" (boots)

Why must you play these games? Why must you act surprised that you all of a sudden "Need this", or "Can wear with, but I need...." ?

Just make one announcement that you will be selectively shopping for the rest of your life, and nothing will ever "fit right" but you'll keep on-a trying!

(And you will still look good in whatever you get) - Can I get a Holla!!!!!??

I don't even know what that means!

Have a good one!!

Dave

You know what? - I DON"T KNOW

It seems I have this problem of playing out conversations that never exist.

I was walking to my desk and I passed a co-worker heading to speak to two ladies.

You know how you start a conversation as if it's the subject line of an e-mail? You need to talk to someone about rescheduling the day that you have the car wash company come to work...so you either call the person or walk up to them and say "Car wash......" - and then continue talking.

Well, the aforementioned co-worker breezed passed me and stopped at a desk station and said "Patient Question" - Now, I know what she meant. She wanted to know what to do about a patient that was there. The problem with my brain is that I IMMEDIATELY played out this conversation in my head.............

Co-worker - (Standing, but not leaning over desk) "Patient Question"

Me - (Sitting behind desk counter wearing neatly pressed scrubs and showing a smooth face due to the recently shaven goat-tee, thinking that this person wants ME to give her a random question about regarding patients as if she's preparing for a Jeopardy audition.) ...so I reply "Okay, why do they smell like that?".....

Co-Worker - "What?"

Me - "Oh, I thought you wanted me to ask you about patients."

Co-Worker - "No, silly" "You're so funny" "Your wife, friends, family, and Facebook stalkers are SO lucky to have you in their lives." "Will you marry me?"

Me - "No, but you can bring me a Dr. Pepper"

Co-Worker - "Okay, Dave"

~ Yeah, that's what played out in my head.

THEN, later that same month.......(And this conversation ACTUALLY happened)

I was sitting at my desk in the OR, where we do surgery at a hospital that I work at, while I was practicing saying redundant things (Worth IT!) - and the phone at the front desk rings. Since there was nobody available to answer, the Dave-O had to get up and answer.

The caller ID showed a cell phone caller with the description - "Smith, David" - folks, if I'm lying I'm the next American Idol.

So I paused with fear, because (what if it was actually me calling from the future saying "don't answer the phone" but how would I know not to answer unless I actually answered?!!!) OH THE AGONY.......(small sigh for affect...) - So, I answered. This voice on the other end sounded squirrely and snippy......in other words, - Just like ME!

After I answer:

He says to me, he says "Someone from there just called me?"

Me (~thinking "funny, I'm the one that just answered the phone. Obviously you just called me, but whatever!")

I say "Well, did they leave a message?"

Fake David Smith - "No, it was probably about a charge"

...(I do charges....was this really future me?)

Anyway, I told him/me that I would take a message, ask around and see if I could figure out who it was, then have them call him/me back.

He gave me a number that I did NOT recognize so I knew it wasn't me and I did NOT relay the message.....thought it was the right thing to do!

It is NOT easy being me! Or calling me! Now...bring me a Dr. Pepper!

Later

Learning to Learn

It just occured to me.....you may not know. And, since this is a teaching blog, I feel as if it's my duty (giggle, "duty") - to tell you.




"Tell us what?" - you asked non-audibly.




Tell you what's right according to different life situations. (Right...according to my miniscule opionion never meant to take seriously, unless otherwise specified.)

Let's get started!




If you're a visitor to my work and you need me to fax something long distance, you need a clearance code. I will be more than happy to fax it for you. However, I don't want you knowing whay my code is. (Here's the teaching part) - after I take the paperwork from you and you follow me to the fax machine.....DON'T LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER. And don't stand directly beside me and say "Oh, is that the code?" - I've crippled people for less than that!! - So stand atleast 10 feet away with your eyes covered while reciting the pledge of allegiance KEEPING "One nation under GOD"!


Isn't learning fun!? :)

ALSO, if you work here (not as a full-time employee) and you are in between cases - don't talk so loud about your personal little life experiences. I get it, you like working out. Or, you know everything there is to know about everything! I am working and the noise of your voice makes me bleed internally! You are annoying, and you are an expert in every single scenario that gets thrown your way!

So please be quiet, and find something constructive to do.

Amen!

As many of you know, I play the piano for the Harmony Quartet. Recently we had a few things happen that are worth (but probably not appropriate) sharing!

What must be a surprise to some groups has become second nature to us. We've been to several churches and performed our little concerts. At the end, there would be a time of announcement. Some pastors have used that time to (gulp) RESIGN!! Oh yes my friends. They invite us to be seated in the fellowship hall while they "take care of a little business." - That has happened twice. We've also found out that weeks, and even days later of a concert that a pastor has left. That has happened about 5 times. But our last outing made history. While in Athens, we witnessed for the first time the pastor - JOINING the church!!

It's a NEW year folks. I guess we've raised the bar...?? - Whatever the case, we know better than to expect a normal service.

I should also learn to expect anything from old people! LOVE me some old people! - One reason is, they say WHATEVER is on their mind during their prayer. I guess they think nobody's listen while they're talking to God. I guess that's fine, but it makes the ole' awkward meter go up once they start naming names!!

Here's your highly anticipated example! ;)

Ironically, during that same service in Athens, I got there early and was asked to play for the congregational song right before Sunday School.

Once finished an elderly saint of a lady (probably, I don't know) was called upon to pray. As she wrapped up her Heavenly conversation, she closed with "and bless the lost like our president and his family, and turn this country back from Islam." -

Back? He can't even get healthcare reform to take place.

Love me some old people.

See you next time. (Try not to resign after you read this!)