The Great Chicken Truck Wreck of '09

Good day reader(s)

Just as we have seen the dwindling down of the bird flu...another fowl epidemic is upon us. That's right friends - CHICKEN TRUCK TERROR! It's on our highways folks! Dozens of future KFC alumni scattered abroad, senselessly murdered (or dismembered) due to chicken truck accidents. I can't even begin to describe the poultry agony that ensues upon collision. What noise must feather out from the wreckage?
Who came up with the idea to haul these sexy white hens down the road with open cages? How high up the pecking order is he/she? I say we put THEM in a steel Wal-Mart basket and speed it up to about 85mph and just whoosh 'em down the road to scare the poo out of them. - Back to the chickens. (Or, as the English say - "CHECK-EENS")
From now on we should pronounce it that way...just to have a little fun. We must find a way to enable the check-eens to defend themselves. Maybe we could teach them martial arts! - Call it the "Cluck Norris school of Hen Fu" -

It was a typical Monday morning. The weather guy was a fill-in and was flirting with the traffic lady a little much who, atleast, told us that there was an accident and HWY 30 was shut down. We dropped off our oldest son all ready for church camp this week, and then hit the road....only to hit a two-lane-highway-stalled-with-bumper-to-bumper-cars creeping along at 1 mph due to (and this reverts back to the overly flirted with traffic lady) a check-een truck accident. What happened? - Not sure. Slam on the brakes, swerve, flip "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!" splat! Check-eens everywhere! Some dead, others close, some destined to become traffic safety officer hens, that get spots on morning newscasts and get flirted with by the new rooster doing sports! Hypethetically of course! Everyone knows that turkeys make better news personnel!

So there we were, passing on the service road, viewing the bodies. Lined in the ditch. Taps was playing in the background.(http://www.west-point.org/taps/Taps.html)
Then my wife spoke up.."Poor chickens".... Uh,they are traveling to a place that will chop them to death via axe! - Or MADE to lay eggs against their will, which is nothing more than organized prostitution!
Now, the survivors just have whiplash and a pending law-suit. The victims (affectionately known as chicktims :) never saw it coming. They are feeling no pain in the great Pilgrim's Pride truck in the sky - Can I get an amen!? No? How 'bout a thigh?

Let's make it a good day! - You never know when the truck that's hauling you around in will kick the bucket!

The Dave-Ography

Hey readers,

If I ever get around to writing my autobiography (which is silly because I know NOTHING about cars) - I think that the chapter headings may read something like...

Chapter 1 - Hi. I'm Dave and I have an awkward meter

Chapter 2 - Hutchins Baptist School (fighting, A-Honor Roll, walking home after
school)

Chapter 3 - Wills Point ISD (avoiding all contact with strange humans, afraid for
life on bus ride home, Honor Roll?)

Chapter 4 - The Legend of Mabank TX

Chapter 5 - Backyard Volleyball

Chapter 6 - Southern Gospel Music?....What the heck is that?

Chapter 7 - The Ballad of Shawn Kirk (he used to dip and cuss)

Chapter 8 - Church members for 9 months then leave. (Isn't that normal?)

Chapter 9 - Baylor University Medical Center Dallas
1. 7p - 7a
2. Tony and Albert
3. 20 Transports in one night
4. The Helipad
5. 5 CPRs (no one made it)
6. Severed Foot - Fell asleep on railroad track) "No one falls
asleep, they PASS OUT on a railroad track!"

Chapter 10 - I want a blonde, 18 year old girl to marry

Chatper 11 - Andrea Kay Dougherty

Chapter 12 - Bankruptcy! - kidding! (Chapter 11...? Get it?)

Chapter 13 - Fairfield TX

Chapter 14 - Debt Consolidation! - kidding...well, not really.

Chapter 15 - The Medical Center @ Terrell
1. Hetty Smith
2. The File Room
3. "Hold your Breath, Hold it!!!"
4. That Boy Thar
5. Towne Home

Chapter 16 - Moving back home

Chapter 17 - Crystal River, Potter's Clay, Sweet Spirit

Chapter 18 - The Medical Center of Mesquite
1. Mesquitians
2. 30 transports in one day
3. Employee of the Quarter and how I had to bribe to get it!
4. What do you mean "no call, no show?"

Chapter 19 - Greenville TX

Chapter 20- Drew Alexander Smith

Chapter 21- The only truck I've bought...twice!

Chapter 22- The Harmony Quartet

Chapter 23- Caden Lane Smith

Chapter 24- "MY Day"

Chapter 25- Per-Se' Technologies
1. Betty Wrinkle
2. Katrina, my Only African American friend (at the time)
3. $20,000.00 Embezzlement?....wow!
4. Group Leader Fiasco
5. Halloween Party
6. Special Friends Newsletter
7. The loss of Justin

Chapter 26- Vista Hospital of Dallas
1. Central Supply Director
2. You can order it....you're not going to get it though!
2. Business Office/Admitting Director
3. Can I PLEASE get PBX coverage?
4. Is her DOG up here? Is there an IV pole in there?
5. Did I just get fired?


Chapter 27- Forest Park Medical Center
1. This is the greatest place to work EVER!!
2. Milliman Building (Millenium as 80% of the population call it)
3. Charge Committee
4. Jerry Walters ("Dude, we're never going to work there!")

Chapter 28 - Pops is on the roof again!

Chapter 29 - Dude, where's my truck?

Chapter 30- Inheritance? Bwa ha ha ha

Chapter 31 - I'm offended that you're offended!

Chapter 32 - You want me to Blog? Seriously?

Chapter 33 - Being Racist is not the same as being Prejudice! And other theories
guaranteed to get me stabbed!

Chapter 34 - You're Face!

Chapter 35 - I like transposing from this key to the next by hitting the 3 minor, half step down, then 2 minor chord, 4 over 5 stance, arpeggio.... - You don't know what that means? - Well, cut me a break for not being able to read directions and getting lost all the time. - You have to go to Ft. Worth to get anywhere!!

Chapter 36 - Dr. Pepper is Heaven juice!

Chapter 37 - Facebook is Crack!!

Chapter 38 - Wow this is a long book.

Chapter 39 - I've left out so as to have another book!!

THE END! - I can't WAIT to read this book!

Do You Like.......?

Have you ever received a random e-mail or text from someone that you know pretty well and it catches you off guard?
Out of the blue one of my co-workers e-mailed me this in the middle of a conversation.
Coworker: "Thanks for your help"
Me: "No problem"
Coworker: "Do you like sausage balls?"
Me: "............Random. But yeah, I guess...?"

Then she explained the reasoning behing the question. She was going to have her mother make some and then bring up to work. - Maybe THAT should have been the opening line!

Another came from my tenor singer. I mean this was out of the freakin' BLUE!
Text: Do you like turnips? - First of all NO! Who does? Second, give me the bottom line first. Tell me that you've recently...cropped?...Farmed?....dug up turnips and you are giving them away. Don't open with your random queries that all seem to deal with food!

I woke up one morning to the sound of the weatherman on the tv. Not ON the tv but, well, you get it! Anyway, he was so enthusiastic about the "high" today that I just wonder if the people up north, where they have "real" winters, must laugh their face off that we get 1/2 an inch of snow and SHUT THE STATE DOWN! Or it's LEVEL ORANGE today. Is that the ozone alert or are we under a terror alert?!

Moving on, whilst driving to work, that same morning, I noticed two ornaments hanging from the bumper of a truck. One was a horseshoe. Somewhere there is a horse with an uneccesary limp!
The other item was an oversized (I ASSUME they were oversized) pair of testicles! Somewhere there is a giant with a very high voice!
Also, that very same morning, I was listening to the traffic report (why? - because I drifted off in thought and wasn't paying attention) - I never care to know the status of traffic. I prefer to be surprised by a sea of tail-lights out of nowhere! Well, the traffic announcer said that there was a "fender bender".....is this the best they got? If you choose to stray from "accident" and insert a clever rhyming description, does is have to be the same one? How about "Bumper Thumper" - "Spoiler Boiler" - "Trunk Bump" - "Vehicle Pickle" ? Just to keep my attention.

To cap this drive to work off, I pulled in to a fast food joint drive thru for a breakfast treat (I feel as if I deserve it after putting up with the world and her weird ways) - I placed my order, pulled forward as instructed, and she gave me my total. I handed her my card then she swiped it on the OUTSIDE swipe thingy. But she gave me this look like: "(SIGH) There is a credit card machine on the outside of the building sir. Do I really have to process this for you??? - I felt so judged. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm used to handing it to the person. I never know if they are working. What if I swipe and it's broke, then they have to tell me "Oh no, I have to do it"? I don't want that kind of confrontation - I just want my breakfast burrito "bleep!"

Have a wonderful day and be careful driving, so you don't have a jam-ka-bob!....No good?

Dave

"Was that audible?"

What is going on in the world? With me? - Well I went down to Fairfled Texas last weekend. The "Land of A Thousand Naps" - the weather was fabulous. I had two concerts. The first started at 11:00am Sunday morning. There were about 90 people there. 89 were happy to see (better translated hear) us. I plucked out the intro on the keyboard for the first song and we sang all the way through. I played the intro to the second and we started singing right on through.....UNTIL, the tenor finished his solo verse, where he happens to hit (and hold) a high note. I hear billowing out from the audience a 115 year old man saying "GUYS, GUYS, HEY, HEY, HEY NOW." "You gonna have to turn it down!" "I thought I was deaf when I walked in here, but clearly I'm not" [Isn't he most fortunate that we don't charge for healings?!;)]
The pastor had to get up, walk over to him, advise his departure! Four ladies, at the same time piped up to us "You guys just keep-a goin!" - And so we did! And so he left! And then we ate!

That afternoon, we spent the day at Andrea's aunt's house. 42 was played. Stories were shared. I introduced myself to the backporch swing and rocked in the beautiful weather while the kids took turns pushing each other in (and out of) the tree swing all-the-while laughing to myself at getting screamed at during church earlier that morning.

During a car ride featuring me, Andrea, and Caden, Andrea noticed an unpleasant smell in the car.
She then said "Caden, did you toot?" - he responded with "No..............Now I did!"

Ahh, the innocent young honest response of a future blogger!
Later Peeps!

If Necessary??

Hello you!
I was at work changing out the toner in our wonderful copy/fax/printer/scanner/stapler/machine and I was wondering what to do with the empty trash toner. I noticed on the box that it said "If toner is swallowed, dilute by drinking a large amount of water. Consult a doctor if necessary." - I would like to dissect "Consult a doctor if necessary" - Does that mean "If it's necessary, THEN call a doctor?" Because, wouldn't you do that anyway? Or, does it mean "If you need a doctor, THEN consult?" In that case, if you knew that you needed a doctor....what would be the purpose of not consulting? Perhaps you like the taste of toner. The magenta really goes with swiss cheese and bread. Maybe it takes the stain of your teeth. Maybe you are trying to commit inkicide!
There are numerous reasons to avoid medical attention, but are there any reasons to print redundant things on packages? - Ah yes, lawsuits! They make it mandatory for us to put un-necessary things on things that prevent us from suing because - OOPS I accidentlly had a shot of toner and NOBODY told me that it may result in the necessity of a doctor AND that I should call just in case of consumption!!
Or, OOPS this coffee I just ordered is hot! Ice is cold! and so forth.
What if we took it a few steps further?
Caution: Don't jump off this mountain.
And, if it happened, pretty sure this is what the court reporter would dictate at the hearing:
"Upon notice of said mountain and the ensuing drop that would take place upon jumping forth hereby removing their person from the existing gravity and letting the newly chosen gravity to accept them and retract their being southward duely in the head-first position, at much speed to the earth, the plaintiff, now dead, being represented by family, still alive, wishes to press suit against the state, said owner of mountain. Wherewithal noting that the sign said "don't" and not "you'd better not" and "jump" instead of "leap" - the plaintiff, still dead, being represented by family, by marriage, would like to institute that, though they better not leap...the lept, henceforth and forevermore hereafter separating their limbs from the original placement and smashing the head that read the mal-formed sign, causing sudden, immediate death, as well as brief mental anguish, knowing that, once landed, the plaintiff, yes dead, represented by family, well, a cousin-in-law with nothing to do thinking they are in the will, would be made a spectacle of in this court, hence makes notice that said sign seems silly sitting so solemnly surrounded on a mountain when they should obviously place it at the spot where the plaintiff, now as flat as a 7 hour-old pancake ran over by a semi on the highway during a hot July day, is now buried. Therebywithalhenceforthness symbolizing that this is what happens if you jump.

Suit amount - Three Ka-Zillion dollars and South America!

Warning: Don't Read This Blog, or drink toner!

Later,

Magenta

Let's Shake On It!

Hey again.
I am sitting here after hours at work waiting to go to quartet practice. Random thoughts pop in my head. What to do?? - I'll share with the reading audience!

Did you know that, before an automobile passes one of many inspections, the speedometer has to prove that it can reach it's highest number? If it says 100mph...while they have it on the lift it will be sped up until that number is reached.
What other things must go through this rigorious torture I wonder.... - TOOTHBRUSHES? Wrap yourself around this one. - In order for them to avoid "false-advertisement lawsuits" the maker(s) of toothbrushes HAVE to test them don't they? Can't just assume that the little bristles will do the job now can they? I'm sure that your t-brush is an A.B.M. Toothbrush (Already Been in Mouth!)

You want to know what hacks me off? - Probably not, but you got nothing else to do right now obviously, so you might as well humor me. - The "Meet and Greet" during a church service.
Who came up with this? - You arrive. Greet people. Go to Sunday School. Talk to people before class starts. Go to big church. Talk to people before service. The service starts and, about the second song "Let's all stand and greet someone you haven't greeted." - Half of the crowd does what? - Turns right around and shakes the person's hand sitting behind them all-the-while rolling their eyes because just 3 and a half minutes earlier THEY SHOOK THE SAME HAND! Another section (mostly elderly) just sits there (which is fine) because they are too tired to go around shaking people's hand. Then, there are the "Fly-around-the-church trying to set some kind of record for most people they can talk to before a song is finished people" - THOSE are the ones you are waiting for when the song-leader says "let's return to our seats"
But, you told us, not 40 seconds ago, to leave and go where someone else is. Make up your mind. If I left my seat to go see you, and you left your seat to go see brother Joe, and brother Joe went to go see sister Betty, and we ALL know that Betty ain't gettin' up for nobody 'cause it's too cold anyway and she's wrapped in a blanket that you know got stolen off the set of Little House On The Prairie, we end up walking around the auditorium never greeting anyone anyway! THAT is why I'm a piano player. So I can just miss all that mess and play. And, by the by, NOBODY ever comes to visit the piano player during that silly time of chaotic-momentary-memory-loss-that-we-JUST-spoke-to-each-other! Which we so affectionately call the "Welcome Time" - Welcome to what? Back to the aisle we were just standing in discussing how windy it's been. I've been at church nearly two hours at this point. If I wanted to talk to them by now.....I would have shook their hand BEFORE service started. Or (I don't know, call me a goober) - AFTER the service! Or maybe, I would drag them down to the altar during the invitation to pray for people who like having welcome time, which is probably just another way to sneak a quick choir practice in right in front of you.
Instead...just have all the first-time visitors walk up to the front and let us give them some big-ole' applause for visiting with us today - Now, RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!

Later, Dave

LOL = Little Old Lady

Hi there. Today's post is brought to you by a left-brained, harmless nut, aching for attention (and comments) from his peeps.
Ah, it's April and it's just a little too windy to say spring is here. The ground is wet enough to limit my lawn-scaping career to "next weekend". I WANT A FREAKIN' DRAUGHT WITH NO WIND. That's it, - we're moving to Texas Stadium 'til they tear it down.

On my way in to work recently, I noticed a sign that said "It's Workzone Awareness Week." - Are we not to give a turkey about the orange-clothed guys and gals (I think she was a gal...she could sure handle a backhoe!) during the rest of the year? I was expecting next weeks' sign to say "Okay, resume not paying attention anymore and keep on speeding through like you are all alone on a highway going through New Mexico with no rest-stops for three hours!"
Later, that same day on the way home, **Wait** - let me set this up a little...
One thing that always makes me nervous is the elderly driving. Not only is there vision and hearing not at it's best, but there are idiots that CUT in front of people no matter who you are. Young people (like me)'s reaction time is bad enough, but to cut in front of someone that is half a step behind is ridiculous.
A second thing that bothers me is texting while you drive. Yes, I do it. Yes I BOTHER ME! You never know when someone hits the brakes unexpectedly. You glance down to read, reply, check Facebook, or the latest blog entry of the Dave-O Today, and BLAMO! You hit someone in a workzone. "But officer, I had no idea that I was supposed to be aware this week." "Tell it to the judge son!"
Later, that same day on the way home, I looked over and saw - an old lady, TEXTING! - W.I.G.O.? (What is going on?)(see if it catches on) I almost wanted her to plow into someone to teach her a lesson for being old, using a cell phone, driving - all at the same time as if to toy with my sensitive emotions, and to basically make fun of everything I stand behind concerning highway transportation safety! - Then again, I DO have something to blog about. So, HA HA Granny!! How do you like them prunes?

My oldest son comes up with questions out of nowhere. I swear he makes a list and just waits for an opening. Like:...(The following is an Actual conversation)

Drew: "Dad, is it raining?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "OUTSIDE?"
Dad: "....Yes"
Drew: "Does the mail deliver in the rain?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "Do spiders swim?"
Dad: "Some"
Drew: "Would a spider catch you if it chased you"
Dad: "NO, I make it a point to outrun ANY preditor chasing me!"
Drew: "What about a bull?" "It will charge you."
Dad: "What kind of interest rate?"
Drew: "......That don't make no sense."
Dad: "You're face don't make no sense."
Drew: (sound of walking away)
Dad: (smiling victoriously)


Not nice folks. But necessary!

Later, Dave