"The Talk"

Well, it happened.
I finally had "the talk" with my son.
The questions of a ten year old will seldom disappoint in the "outrageous" category!
This was no different.

There I was conjuring up metaphors and juvenile comparisons that would be both informative, educating, and (gulp) memorable.

Determined to do this right I decided not to hold back and to leave no subject out of bounds.

I even went as far as to say that he shouldn't be surprised by the use of COSTUMES!
He was a little bit curious about "tag-teaming", but if I was going to be 100% truthful, I had to mention it.

He asked if it was normal if they take shirts off first. I simply put that it just depends on the situation.

He was a little doubtful at first, but I finally convinced him........that..........wrestling was, indeed, fake!

:)

Dirk Not This Time-zki

The stress is over. I can relax. I can focus my life again!

Finally. I get to congratulate the World Champion Dallas Mavericks!

Not just for winning the NBA Finals, but for putting to rest years of "experts" that claim "Dallas will never win with Cuban." Or, "Dirk will never get a championship because he is soft" Or, you blog isn't really THAT funny" (wait a minute!)

Let's give credit to whom it is due:

Thank you Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Deshawn Stevenson for playing defense on a team labeled as "offense only".

Thank you Jason Kidd for coming back home and knocking down unexpected threes! And triple-doubling at such an advanced age! ;)

Thank you Jason Terry for doing that little "flight" thing you do when you make a three, or hitting a clutch shot.

Thank you JJ for being so darn quick!

Thank you Mr. Mark Cuban for minding your manners during the playoffs!

Thank you bench for stepping up during injuries or when teammates disappeared!

Thank you Mr. Rick Carlisle for outcoaching Phil Jackson, and that coat-tail riding fella in Miami!

Thank you to all the non-bandwagon fans! You know who you are.

I think that just about covers it......

....Kidding! C'mere ya big German teddy bear! Thank you Dirk for hitting the prettiest shot after shot with a contorted body that looks like you're making fun of somebody playing horse while drunk! Thanks for the threes! Thanks for the rebounds. Thanks for the gritty drives to the hoop.

And thanks for being so stinkin' clutch!

This team will now HAVE to be referred to as "The Champs" when playing next year.

As Dirk and I turn 33 this summer, I cannot help but remember watching this team through the 90's and thinking...atleast we have the Cowboys!

Now, all of the Miami haters can say "Atleast we have the Mavs!"

Congratulations guys. You've have earned it and made this the most memorable Finals for me, ever.

Sound Affects....

Hi there,

Today's topic will cover the lack of manners and contageous amnesia regarding how to act while sitting in a dark movie theater.

Now I know that the existence of public movie watching is a relative new thing....if a "new thing" could be defined as something that started around 1895!
You would THINK that people would have learned how to act by now.

Apparently not.

When preparing for battle, tons of steps must be taken. Many hours of preparation will be involved.
When preparing for a test, there is studying. Heck, going to the bathroom even requires a check of the ole' toilet paper roll to make sure adequate paperage is there!
So, and I'm SURE I'm asking too much, but would it be too far a reach to have a pre-movie check-list before you hunt for a seat in the dark and scare the paying customers with enough common sense to get there on time??

I take my kids to see a harmless animated film about an obese bear with MAD Kung-Fu skills. It's me, my wife, a seven year old, and a ten year old. We would fill up four seats out of a five seat row. But, before the movie even begins...there are SIX people on our row.

Here is our GENIOUS idea...whilst the wife and a kid get the food...another kid and I get the seats. It's about 20-something minutes until the previews begin. Sounds harmless enough.

The devastation begins with a lady and her "must-speak-in-maximum-decibal-level-child" complaining about where to sit! The real problem is not that Gilbet Godfrey's son was so audible, it was that his mother kept answering him based on what he was saying and not the shear deafening level he was exhibiting. No, never heard a "shh". Only her responding as if he had a point!
Then, there was the jolting of my seat and the seats next to me by, what can only be described as "belly bumping". I've been on airplanes with turbulence with less of a seat jarring!

And all this..before lovely wife arrived with food and beverage.
And, as the four of us settled, we then witnessed redneck after hillbilly fumble in. Loud and confused...like drunk sheep at Nascar! - I do NOT assume that they are rednecks....I gathered this information based on their reaction from a clip of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby that flashed on the screen! "Woo Hoo" - "That's a good 'en!" And so forth.

The previews were now beginning and seats were about 75% full. The remaining 25% entered at what appeared to be the same EXACT time. There weren't seats available at more than two at a time...but we, of course, had people in groups of six and seven literally walking all the way to the front and back up to the back. Guys were griping "I'm literally blind". "I can't see a thing"! - (This apparently affected his ears too as he was practically yelling!)

Alas, the piece' d' resisDUNCE! - A lady with three kids and a friend was looking for seats. The three kids were placed in front of us and, wouldn't ya stinkin' know it, the ONE seat available on the inside by the wall was SO conveniently available for the tattoo'd mother to sit at so that she could check her brightly-lit phone, and hold her kid, and discuss what plans they had after the movie, that I was not going to be able to pay attention too due to the circus of noise, will end.

Then, I say THEN the movie begins. Only to be interrupted by phones ringing. No, not the "oops I forgot to silence my phone" occurences. The "let's see who this is and let it ring four times so that the entire ringtone of Sweet Home Alabama plays!"
The parents trying to hush their kids only by YELLING at them that "You're disturbin' err'body" "Quiet a'fore ya git thrown out"! - Seriously, were the Beverly Hillbillies filming a reunion?

All I'm saying is, have a little dress rehearsal. Tell your kids that it's expected that they be quiet, silence your phones, get your food in plenty of time, get to your seats and pretend that there are 300 strangers that do not wish to know what's going on with your lives!

Thanks! Silence is Golden.....and non-existent!

The Legend of Granny

Fairfield TX holds many memories for me. Naps, 42, singing, getting ears punctured in the back of a pick up bed for "weight loss" purposes! But my favorite memory is in the person of my wife's grandmother - Jewel Morris. I will refer to her as "Granny" simply because, when introducing myself for the first time, she said "Call me Granny" - as to which my wife replied, "Everyone else does"!

She lived for 86 years, and if you broke apart the word "lived", you could see: loved, taught, made laugh, led, cared, served, and countless other positive influential phrases that could be inserted. I just remember he being so funny. Without even trying, I'm sure. Her little phrases that she spouted off mid-sentence catching people off guard. She would always ask me to play the piano. "Go over, sit down and play something." Before I got through with "What would you like to hear?" - She would interrupt "It don't matter!"

If she had a Facebook, her statuses would probably constantly be

Jewell Morris: Cooked for several people today.

Served everyone that I crossed paths with.

Gave a lot of advice today.

Skunked some friends and family at 42.

Made the world a better place and made it look easy!

...and ALL of her friends would like her status!

I will miss her house. The sounds, availability of food. Scanner in the background, tv on for the kids, the pictures, the way she would ask questions specific to each individual life. "How is your singing group?" "Or, "how is work at your hospital?"

My Mother's mother passed when I was only one year old, so, she was VERY much my second Grandmother.

We celebrated her life this past Monday and all the wonderful things said about how great of a person she was made me re-evaluate the relationship with my own family. It also makes me want to leave the legacy that she was able to leave. I am not used to so many members of a family staying that close for that long. The Matriarch can make or break a family. She set the example of how it is to be done!

She will be missed but NEVER forgotten. She will quoted, and honored.

God has truly added a Jewel to his treasure in Heaven.

Thank you.

...You Know You're From Colorado If....

...You tell your spouse to pick up granola on their way home and they stop at the daycare!!

Howdy folks! Fresh off of a return from a little state I call Colorado having some major fun in the mountains and rivers and Wal-Mart!

It started with a flight to Kansas City, then straight over to Denver, which is not as impressive as I thought it would be.....probably because the Nuggets play there! Anyway, what WAS impressive were the endless mountains and clear COLD, and I mean "Do I have a brass bra on in the middle of winter?" cold!!

We ski-lifted our way up to a beautiful scenic place where we played washers, took pictures, and got heckled in the bathroom!

We bunjee bounced, rock climbed, and enjoyed the view of a golf course from our window....and, got threatened to get beaned by a golf ball shortly before taking our football throwing entertainment elsewhere!

My kids are apparently half crocodile hunter (may he rest in peace) because, apparently, - THEY DO NOT KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO TOPPLING OFF OF A MOVING RAFT WHILE IT IS SKIMMING DOWN THE RIVER!!!

- That brings me to my six year old Caden. He, desperately trying to be like his friend and brother, wanted to be lifted over our raft as we were white water rafting down the Colorado River. In spite of the two ten year olds wailing due to the extreme coldness of the water as they did this shiver-bounce-bobble thing while clinging to the little purple rope on the side of the vessel, he allowed me to place him into the river....only to scream "get me out, get me out!" a good TWO seconds later. So I hoisted him back in and then proceded to rescue the other two. Much to my blindness, as I was struggling to dead lift two 90+ pound slippery boys.....little Mr Fall Guy LAUNCHES himself off the other side of the raft!!!! - Who IS this kid?? Our river-guide-paddle-lady sifted him from the water via his life vest. And I just laid there and tried to breathe. Oh it's clear air, there's just not enough of it!

Later, 25 feet above the ground and THOUSANDS of feet above sea-level while on another death-trap these people call a ski-lift, Drew and I are alone enjoying the scenery...and by enjoying I mean counting the bicycles on the passing seats heading the opposite direction! Can you REALLY be that pre-occupied that you don't notice the nature around you? But atleast he had fun!

Our guests (The Mays family, no kin to Billy - may he rest in peace as well) were so helpful in that, everytime we got lost, they would take over the navigational responsibility and lead us to other areas to get completely lost!! My only complaint was all the circle roads and yielding opportunities while driving through town!

Much more fun was had.....losing sunglasses in Eagle River, Falling into Eagle River causing said sunglasses to fling away, watching grown adults try to do a back flip in a trampoline bunjee device, cheering as our Caden climbed "his" rock-wall, getting up and enjoying cool mornings and gorgeous sunsets, jumping into a river from the shore the way God intended and NOT from a moving raft! - you get the point.

Alas, I leave you with one quicklet of a story.....

You haven't felt your heart race until airport security shows up out of nowhere and asks "What's the trouble here?"

Apparently, "someone" likes to "take" "souveneirs" from "places"

someone = me

take = steal

souveneirs = rocks

places = pretty much wherever I saw a pretty one!

You can't just smuggle those things in your baggage. The scanner person stopped it and started to go through it. Just then some fella with a badge appeared like a mountain Ninja and said "What'd you do now?" he barked, trying to be funny but causing me to nearly tinkle on my self! It was just a half boomerang-sized rock that will go PERFECT in my office! Totally worth it! As was this trip. Andrea and got some MUCH needed relaxation! I hope you enjoy the pictures!

Later

Dave

Let's Get Physical!! Physical!!

Grrrrr!!

My wife must hate me. Why else would she make me go to the doctor to have a "check-up?"

Check-up? They should call it a "Feel-up!"

Let's start this journey today by reminding everyone that I have issues with strangers. You know, aliens that want to make me uncomfortable. (We all get it Dave-O, you have an awkward meter)
Oh no. It went beyond that today! There were multiple opportunities for me to pass right out due to embarrassment. AND I WISH I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OPPORTUNITY!!

First, I circle the complex 6 times because I can't find the right building. I come in and sign in. And, because I had never been there before, I had to do a lot of information offering. (Apparently that wasn't the ONLY thing I was offering)

I get trotted back to a little window office where they make me whiz in a cup in a bathroom where, yet again, you can hear a freakin' pin drop. I didn't care. I just splashed as loud as I Pee'd.. er pleased!! Then they took several vitals, weighed, took my height (no doubt a dress hearsal to take my dignity) - then gave me this breath test twice! I blame this incompetence on the ditzy office girl.

They bounced me down to "room 2" (which stands for "Room 2 probe you" no doubt!)

The doctor pops in, rally's through an onslaught of questions, accompanied by an ear check where he proceeds to tell me that I think I can hear, but I can't. As to which I caught myself saying "What?"

Ah...for the piece de resistance'...."drop your shorts" he tells me. (I'm not wearing shorts, just pants and boxers)...so I take the greater of two evils and drop everything south of the border. He takes his hands and places them where no MAN has placed before, tells me to turn and cough. I wanted to turn and RUN but I didn't want the ditzy office girl see me without my pants on. I'm telling ya, this is NOT a moment that Willy wanted to be freed!!

After the torment was over nurse "first-time" came back in to draw my blood as she was being "monitored". Apparently we train the staff on the brand new patients! I wasn't too concerned until she pointed to my big blue vein, looks up at the onlooking nurse and says "That one?" ........(gulp)

My life flashed before me....and I was bored with most of it! I made a quick list of regrets. (this doctor's visits being right on top) - THEN, I had to take the breath test again because it showed I had ASTHMA! I didn't, I was just a shy breather!

To top it off....I had to pay $15.00 for this visit! If you see somebody naked aren't THEY the ones who gets paid?? I've seen Pretty Woman...this was NOTHING like that!!!!!

All in all, the WORST Dentist I've ever been to!

Later!

Push, Pool...

So it happened. A weekend outing with just me and the boys, some in-laws, strangers in a pool, and an inconvenient bathroom.

Where to begin.....This past Memorial Day weekend the quartet I play for had two concerts. So, the fam and I head off to Fairfield Saturday morning. We arrive at Andrea's granny's place where there's room for 7 or 8 but about 19 is present!!

After a few hours of visiting, Andrea heads back home with her sister because she had work to catch up on. That leaves me and the boys to hang at the fabulous Days Inn motel-bingo-tire-shop! - Okay, it was just a motel....but that small-town feel just takes over me, ya know??

The boys wanted to go swimming. This meant three things.

1. We had to go to Fred's dollar store for swimming apparel.

2. There was the possibility of me drowning, cause I ain't that good a swimmer!

3. And strangers would share a pool with us causing the ole awkward meter to soar to new heights!

My only stipulation was that we would go swimming if NOBODY else was in the pool. So we returned from our fortunate trip to Fred's. (I say fortunate only because I found a ROCKIN' new hat that makes me look cool!!) ..........you'll see!
Once we arrive at the Motel I noticed a lady and her two kids in the pool. - "We wait", I barked.

Ten minutes pass and they migrate away. Off we went, shirtless and paranoid! We enter the pool area, wade on in, and, for about ten minutes, enjoyed some secluded fun in the sun splashing around, chunking a newly purchased ball (another courtesy of Fred's...that place has a LOT!) Although I was nervous because, let's face it, I'm not the best swimmer, not due to lack of trying though! But I managed to crack a smile a time or two at how brave my two sons were.
....But, my life being what it is, our happiness was short-lived as we were joined by a rather older couple and their grand-daughter - who was NOT too grand as it turned out!

After about ten minutes of "company" and a little shark dressed as an eight year old girl, I trodded out of the water. It was at that moment that little orca Annie yelled "Look grandpa, he's got your swim-trunks on" - as to which my usually shy six year old felt it most necessary to reply in a matching yelling decibal level with the phrase "HEY, THAT'S MY DAD!!"

I just kept walking to my seat as I perceived that he had this in his hands now. I am thankful that he felt the need to defend his father's honor.....what was left of it!!

Fast forward to Sunday morning. My quartet had already set sound and apparently wanted to make use of the "facilities." - Note to the architects of churches....do NOT put the "facilities" adjacent to the front door AND the foyer AND the nursery! It makes it VERY difficult to concentrate when you're trying to drop a deuce and there are fifteen conversations going on about 5 feet from you!

....For some reason I feel as if I've shared enough and must gather my thoughts.

Enjoy your week.