~ Winters and Losers ~

*If I could, somehow...go back in time.
 Back to the very first conversation that this happened. And slightly alter the episode of the birth of a phrase...I would do so. I would SO...do so!

 I would travel the great distance that it would require, just to seize control of a simple (yet overused, mistreated, out-dated...lame, unintended for this type of description) two-worded pile of letters that only come around once(d) a year to haunt my deepest, seasonal, dreams.
"This" time of year. When it is...oh what's the word? "Cold." As it is (wait for it) - every. time. of. year. - during these months.

Folks, if I could pinpoint the exact moment that it took place - I would dress very nicely (just in case there is a photo opportunity) - I would eat a solid breakfast to keep my strength (little as it is) - Then I would load up in the device of said time travel, enter my destination/location and so forth. Allow the machine to travel while I played Candy Crush or checked out the latest Bit Strips...may log on to Obamacare's website.

Once I arrived, I would travel to the location of the un-blessed event. Very politely slither into the "conversation" that included the "one". The "architect" of the verbal terror destined to plague my already pointy ears to the point of consuming entirely too much egg nog...

I would listen to he/she rambling on...with me nodding along as if entrigued to no end fake laughs abounding - then, as soon as I felt the presence of the moment, as soon as I understood my lot in life (time machine notwithstanding) - I would ever so gently place my hand upon this strangers mouth. Silencing them. Stunning the crowd. Changing the world. Bending the flow of life!!

No doubt such action would be received with a bug-eyed face of confusion.
 Certainly. Cannot argue with you.
 I would react with the same if it were to happen to me.
 I would place my other hand up to the on-looking crowd (I'm guessing this is some sort of dinner party and every one is dressed fancy with drinks in hand that I could not even pronounce...and English accents - but I'm not sure why) - stifling their murmuring. I would then give my newly acquired, mute victim this look of  "fear not, I bring you tidings of great joy" - and would usher he/she into a room. Alone. (Probably a library) - Determined to explain my brute interruption. That's fair. They deserve that. (I'm going to assume it's a "he" now.)

"Fella", I would say, "You have NO idea the damage you almost brought about the world."
"MMrrrfff, mmrrf, kkddlldiddle" - he'd say, as my hand is still over his mouth.
"What?" I'd retort, removing my hand.
"What is the meaning of this?" He'd bellow. "How dare"

Simple - you were in your changing room hours ago getting ready for this party. Muttering something about the weather (I would know this because I have a time machine, of course) and you noted not just THAT it was cold, not just HOW cold, but that it was both "wintry" and that it seemed as if the north pole just shot all of its elements at your little (English, apparently) town.

~ It was then that he would understand that by placing my hand over his mouth - I prevented anyone from hearing the phrase "Winter Blast." ~

With a quick zap of my "Men In Black mind eraser thing" (again, time machine - how are you not getting that I have cool gadgets?) I would then warn him not to use that phrase or his children will limp in circles forever...thus exstinguishing the light of that verbal pot from ever boiling.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, into the car and glanced at the dash.

Zoomed back to now, with gladness and glee.

Knowing what peace the Morning News will be.

Just to hear the meterologists, together.

Announcing that "it's just cold" - when referring to the weather!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all that want a winter blast, go to Dairy Queen.

- dave

Miracle on 34th

Thursday (tomorrow) marks one year that I turned 33, and discovered that I had a brain tumor. (Do I mention the brain thing too much?) - Well, fortunately, the results of the biopsy came back benign. And, I now have resting in my skull a 16 screw plate! Which does NOT serve as a filter for my random/albeit inappropriate thoughts. I have noticed, however, that I do not get those "ice cream headaches" like I used to.

I've also looked at life differently. It's fragile. It's fleeting. I take things for granted...not marble. :( - my humor has not improved either.

I wonder what the next year holds?
This past year was accompanied with a plethura of changes. I had my 15th high school reunion. (hey everybody)

We sold our house in Greenville. Moved to a new one in Rockwall! The kids are staying by themselves during the summer. (Yikes!) We opened another Forest Park facility in Frisco. Lost some co-worker friends to new jobs...:(  (miss you people)
Tried to step out of my comfort zone and get closer with some remaining co-workers...amazing what you discover about people and yourself! - Mostly, people are crazy!! Random. Amazing. Scary.

I finally...finally started my book and have close to 7000 words (at the time of this writing)
Still playing piano for my church.
Still singing and playing for Harmony.
Still dominating my kids in Mario Kart...for the most part.
Still like watching people that are "people watching"
Still working in the OR changing the lives of those around me one sarcastic statement at a time - (there's one NOW!)

Next year, I'm sure, will be the meeting of new people. Deeper looks at current relationships. A revamped Mavs roster (ugh!) - Hopefully finishing the book. Lowering my cholesterol, while gaining weight. - weird combo. It ain't easy.

I am under the impression that 34 is the new 43.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight...it's the one who doesn't flinch first when sprayed in the face with the water hose!

Keep reading my Facebook statuses...there's a test at the end. :)

p.s. Please mind your "You're's and "Your's" - let's use them correctly. Makes my life easier.

Sonic Boom

God is either helping me, or making fun of me! I will resolve that He places people in our paths to pray for. Some for wisdom, or financial freedom. Some for balance...I said, balance...-

It used to be that the local Sonic carhop could skate out to your car, tray in one hand, change in the other with the swan-like grace of Emmitt Smith when he was on Dancing With the Stars...those days are apparently gone as, today, I was tackled like Emmitt Smith when he was in a Cardinal uniform!

I had pulled up to the talking menu station. I placed our order. My wife and I enthralled in a conversation about some silly co-worker, then our order arrives. Boy...did it "arrive"! As I nodded my head impatiently because "yes, that's what I ordered" I heard this "WHOA!" - and saw this giant Sonic cup. It was giant because it was so close to my face...and had gotten there so quickly! The carhop FELL. Not down. INTO my car door. Somehow, flat concrete managed to throw her! And I caught my beverage as she hurled it to me. " She was not hurt. But I had rapid heart palpitations! It's one thing if you know a klutz and they trip. (My son runs into the wall ALL the time) - but this was not expected. I thought that someone (NOT wearing skates, mind you) would make it through this purchase accident free.

Then came the time for the chatter. "Wow", she said. "That's never happened to me before."

"Me neither." I said in this "this is actually the first time a human has thrown a styrofoam cup at me while slamming their hands on my door when, all I did, was order a burger and you are attacking me-voice"

(It's not over folks) - She then..........stands on one foot. As if part flamingo. And says "see, I have good balance." "I normally stand like this." (she displays the Karate Kid pose) - One foot, people! It's daylight! WHAT do the other customers think I am making this woman do?!

You're keeping the change because I don't want to to pelt me with a bunch of coins!

I just felt like sharing. So, remember, praying for balance often means having the patience to deal with other people's unbalances. Maybe I trip and fall and don't realize it either. I'll watch my step. You watch yours.

And, next time, go to Jack in the Box!!

Later.

Something Smells

So, we pull into the gas station tonight and I did what any good husband would do. I let the WIFE pump the gas!
She goes inside to get beverages...to leave me vulnerable to the world. Well, it happened. Little did I know that having my window down to let in the first cool breeze in 6 years would bite me in the booty! This fella walks over to my side of the car, leans over, placing a paper IN the car and says "Hey, buddy, how are ya?" "What kind of cologne do you like?"

Time stops and I address the situation from every perspective. First off, I have an (yes 74th time you've read this) AWKWARD meter!! Unless the vehicle is on fire, do NOT reach in towards me or my family!
I respond with "Really?" "You are THIS much in my car?" - he takes offense and says "What, did I freak you out?" -

I said "Well, i have this 'close personal space' issue" - and I've recently had brain surgery (and I lean my head over pointing out the divot in my head!" As to which HE became awkard, backed away and said "Oh, my bad." "Everything okay?" I said "Yeah, I'm alright" - He then fled the scene realizing that the strange pedler at gas stations had better watch out for "North Dallas Man"! as they called me on the TV.

At some point, if I'm not careful, I'm gonna let this tumor go to my head!...:) - but I will use to my advantage.

"The Talk"

Well, it happened.
I finally had "the talk" with my son.
The questions of a ten year old will seldom disappoint in the "outrageous" category!
This was no different.

There I was conjuring up metaphors and juvenile comparisons that would be both informative, educating, and (gulp) memorable.

Determined to do this right I decided not to hold back and to leave no subject out of bounds.

I even went as far as to say that he shouldn't be surprised by the use of COSTUMES!
He was a little bit curious about "tag-teaming", but if I was going to be 100% truthful, I had to mention it.

He asked if it was normal if they take shirts off first. I simply put that it just depends on the situation.

He was a little doubtful at first, but I finally convinced him........that..........wrestling was, indeed, fake!

:)

Dirk Not This Time-zki

The stress is over. I can relax. I can focus my life again!

Finally. I get to congratulate the World Champion Dallas Mavericks!

Not just for winning the NBA Finals, but for putting to rest years of "experts" that claim "Dallas will never win with Cuban." Or, "Dirk will never get a championship because he is soft" Or, you blog isn't really THAT funny" (wait a minute!)

Let's give credit to whom it is due:

Thank you Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Deshawn Stevenson for playing defense on a team labeled as "offense only".

Thank you Jason Kidd for coming back home and knocking down unexpected threes! And triple-doubling at such an advanced age! ;)

Thank you Jason Terry for doing that little "flight" thing you do when you make a three, or hitting a clutch shot.

Thank you JJ for being so darn quick!

Thank you Mr. Mark Cuban for minding your manners during the playoffs!

Thank you bench for stepping up during injuries or when teammates disappeared!

Thank you Mr. Rick Carlisle for outcoaching Phil Jackson, and that coat-tail riding fella in Miami!

Thank you to all the non-bandwagon fans! You know who you are.

I think that just about covers it......

....Kidding! C'mere ya big German teddy bear! Thank you Dirk for hitting the prettiest shot after shot with a contorted body that looks like you're making fun of somebody playing horse while drunk! Thanks for the threes! Thanks for the rebounds. Thanks for the gritty drives to the hoop.

And thanks for being so stinkin' clutch!

This team will now HAVE to be referred to as "The Champs" when playing next year.

As Dirk and I turn 33 this summer, I cannot help but remember watching this team through the 90's and thinking...atleast we have the Cowboys!

Now, all of the Miami haters can say "Atleast we have the Mavs!"

Congratulations guys. You've have earned it and made this the most memorable Finals for me, ever.

Sound Affects....

Hi there,

Today's topic will cover the lack of manners and contageous amnesia regarding how to act while sitting in a dark movie theater.

Now I know that the existence of public movie watching is a relative new thing....if a "new thing" could be defined as something that started around 1895!
You would THINK that people would have learned how to act by now.

Apparently not.

When preparing for battle, tons of steps must be taken. Many hours of preparation will be involved.
When preparing for a test, there is studying. Heck, going to the bathroom even requires a check of the ole' toilet paper roll to make sure adequate paperage is there!
So, and I'm SURE I'm asking too much, but would it be too far a reach to have a pre-movie check-list before you hunt for a seat in the dark and scare the paying customers with enough common sense to get there on time??

I take my kids to see a harmless animated film about an obese bear with MAD Kung-Fu skills. It's me, my wife, a seven year old, and a ten year old. We would fill up four seats out of a five seat row. But, before the movie even begins...there are SIX people on our row.

Here is our GENIOUS idea...whilst the wife and a kid get the food...another kid and I get the seats. It's about 20-something minutes until the previews begin. Sounds harmless enough.

The devastation begins with a lady and her "must-speak-in-maximum-decibal-level-child" complaining about where to sit! The real problem is not that Gilbet Godfrey's son was so audible, it was that his mother kept answering him based on what he was saying and not the shear deafening level he was exhibiting. No, never heard a "shh". Only her responding as if he had a point!
Then, there was the jolting of my seat and the seats next to me by, what can only be described as "belly bumping". I've been on airplanes with turbulence with less of a seat jarring!

And all this..before lovely wife arrived with food and beverage.
And, as the four of us settled, we then witnessed redneck after hillbilly fumble in. Loud and confused...like drunk sheep at Nascar! - I do NOT assume that they are rednecks....I gathered this information based on their reaction from a clip of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby that flashed on the screen! "Woo Hoo" - "That's a good 'en!" And so forth.

The previews were now beginning and seats were about 75% full. The remaining 25% entered at what appeared to be the same EXACT time. There weren't seats available at more than two at a time...but we, of course, had people in groups of six and seven literally walking all the way to the front and back up to the back. Guys were griping "I'm literally blind". "I can't see a thing"! - (This apparently affected his ears too as he was practically yelling!)

Alas, the piece' d' resisDUNCE! - A lady with three kids and a friend was looking for seats. The three kids were placed in front of us and, wouldn't ya stinkin' know it, the ONE seat available on the inside by the wall was SO conveniently available for the tattoo'd mother to sit at so that she could check her brightly-lit phone, and hold her kid, and discuss what plans they had after the movie, that I was not going to be able to pay attention too due to the circus of noise, will end.

Then, I say THEN the movie begins. Only to be interrupted by phones ringing. No, not the "oops I forgot to silence my phone" occurences. The "let's see who this is and let it ring four times so that the entire ringtone of Sweet Home Alabama plays!"
The parents trying to hush their kids only by YELLING at them that "You're disturbin' err'body" "Quiet a'fore ya git thrown out"! - Seriously, were the Beverly Hillbillies filming a reunion?

All I'm saying is, have a little dress rehearsal. Tell your kids that it's expected that they be quiet, silence your phones, get your food in plenty of time, get to your seats and pretend that there are 300 strangers that do not wish to know what's going on with your lives!

Thanks! Silence is Golden.....and non-existent!