So, we pull into the gas station tonight and I did what any good husband would do. I let the WIFE pump the gas!
She goes inside to get beverages...to leave me vulnerable to the world. Well, it happened. Little did I know that having my window down to let in the first cool breeze in 6 years would bite me in the booty! This fella walks over to my side of the car, leans over, placing a paper IN the car and says "Hey, buddy, how are ya?" "What kind of cologne do you like?"
Time stops and I address the situation from every perspective. First off, I have an (yes 74th time you've read this) AWKWARD meter!! Unless the vehicle is on fire, do NOT reach in towards me or my family!
I respond with "Really?" "You are THIS much in my car?" - he takes offense and says "What, did I freak you out?" -
I said "Well, i have this 'close personal space' issue" - and I've recently had brain surgery (and I lean my head over pointing out the divot in my head!" As to which HE became awkard, backed away and said "Oh, my bad." "Everything okay?" I said "Yeah, I'm alright" - He then fled the scene realizing that the strange pedler at gas stations had better watch out for "North Dallas Man"! as they called me on the TV.
At some point, if I'm not careful, I'm gonna let this tumor go to my head!...:) - but I will use to my advantage.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"The Talk"
Well, it happened.
I finally had "the talk" with my son.
The questions of a ten year old will seldom disappoint in the "outrageous" category!
This was no different.
There I was conjuring up metaphors and juvenile comparisons that would be both informative, educating, and (gulp) memorable.
Determined to do this right I decided not to hold back and to leave no subject out of bounds.
I even went as far as to say that he shouldn't be surprised by the use of COSTUMES!
He was a little bit curious about "tag-teaming", but if I was going to be 100% truthful, I had to mention it.
He asked if it was normal if they take shirts off first. I simply put that it just depends on the situation.
He was a little doubtful at first, but I finally convinced him........that..........wrestling was, indeed, fake!
:)
I finally had "the talk" with my son.
The questions of a ten year old will seldom disappoint in the "outrageous" category!
This was no different.
There I was conjuring up metaphors and juvenile comparisons that would be both informative, educating, and (gulp) memorable.
Determined to do this right I decided not to hold back and to leave no subject out of bounds.
I even went as far as to say that he shouldn't be surprised by the use of COSTUMES!
He was a little bit curious about "tag-teaming", but if I was going to be 100% truthful, I had to mention it.
He asked if it was normal if they take shirts off first. I simply put that it just depends on the situation.
He was a little doubtful at first, but I finally convinced him........that..........wrestling was, indeed, fake!
:)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Dirk Not This Time-zki
The stress is over. I can relax. I can focus my life again!
Finally. I get to congratulate the World Champion Dallas Mavericks!
Not just for winning the NBA Finals, but for putting to rest years of "experts" that claim "Dallas will never win with Cuban." Or, "Dirk will never get a championship because he is soft" Or, you blog isn't really THAT funny" (wait a minute!)
Let's give credit to whom it is due:
Thank you Tyson Chandler, Shawn Marion, and Deshawn Stevenson for playing defense on a team labeled as "offense only".
Thank you Jason Kidd for coming back home and knocking down unexpected threes! And triple-doubling at such an advanced age! ;)
Thank you Jason Terry for doing that little "flight" thing you do when you make a three, or hitting a clutch shot.
Thank you JJ for being so darn quick!
Thank you Mr. Mark Cuban for minding your manners during the playoffs!
Thank you bench for stepping up during injuries or when teammates disappeared!
Thank you Mr. Rick Carlisle for outcoaching Phil Jackson, and that coat-tail riding fella in Miami!
Thank you to all the non-bandwagon fans! You know who you are.
I think that just about covers it......
....Kidding! C'mere ya big German teddy bear! Thank you Dirk for hitting the prettiest shot after shot with a contorted body that looks like you're making fun of somebody playing horse while drunk! Thanks for the threes! Thanks for the rebounds. Thanks for the gritty drives to the hoop.
And thanks for being so stinkin' clutch!
This team will now HAVE to be referred to as "The Champs" when playing next year.
As Dirk and I turn 33 this summer, I cannot help but remember watching this team through the 90's and thinking...atleast we have the Cowboys!
Now, all of the Miami haters can say "Atleast we have the Mavs!"
Congratulations guys. You've have earned it and made this the most memorable Finals for me, ever.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sound Affects....
Hi there,
Today's topic will cover the lack of manners and contageous amnesia regarding how to act while sitting in a dark movie theater.
Now I know that the existence of public movie watching is a relative new thing....if a "new thing" could be defined as something that started around 1895!
You would THINK that people would have learned how to act by now.
Apparently not.
When preparing for battle, tons of steps must be taken. Many hours of preparation will be involved.
When preparing for a test, there is studying. Heck, going to the bathroom even requires a check of the ole' toilet paper roll to make sure adequate paperage is there!
So, and I'm SURE I'm asking too much, but would it be too far a reach to have a pre-movie check-list before you hunt for a seat in the dark and scare the paying customers with enough common sense to get there on time??
I take my kids to see a harmless animated film about an obese bear with MAD Kung-Fu skills. It's me, my wife, a seven year old, and a ten year old. We would fill up four seats out of a five seat row. But, before the movie even begins...there are SIX people on our row.
Here is our GENIOUS idea...whilst the wife and a kid get the food...another kid and I get the seats. It's about 20-something minutes until the previews begin. Sounds harmless enough.
The devastation begins with a lady and her "must-speak-in-maximum-decibal-level-child" complaining about where to sit! The real problem is not that Gilbet Godfrey's son was so audible, it was that his mother kept answering him based on what he was saying and not the shear deafening level he was exhibiting. No, never heard a "shh". Only her responding as if he had a point!
Then, there was the jolting of my seat and the seats next to me by, what can only be described as "belly bumping". I've been on airplanes with turbulence with less of a seat jarring!
And all this..before lovely wife arrived with food and beverage.
And, as the four of us settled, we then witnessed redneck after hillbilly fumble in. Loud and confused...like drunk sheep at Nascar! - I do NOT assume that they are rednecks....I gathered this information based on their reaction from a clip of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby that flashed on the screen! "Woo Hoo" - "That's a good 'en!" And so forth.
The previews were now beginning and seats were about 75% full. The remaining 25% entered at what appeared to be the same EXACT time. There weren't seats available at more than two at a time...but we, of course, had people in groups of six and seven literally walking all the way to the front and back up to the back. Guys were griping "I'm literally blind". "I can't see a thing"! - (This apparently affected his ears too as he was practically yelling!)
Alas, the piece' d' resisDUNCE! - A lady with three kids and a friend was looking for seats. The three kids were placed in front of us and, wouldn't ya stinkin' know it, the ONE seat available on the inside by the wall was SO conveniently available for the tattoo'd mother to sit at so that she could check her brightly-lit phone, and hold her kid, and discuss what plans they had after the movie, that I was not going to be able to pay attention too due to the circus of noise, will end.
Then, I say THEN the movie begins. Only to be interrupted by phones ringing. No, not the "oops I forgot to silence my phone" occurences. The "let's see who this is and let it ring four times so that the entire ringtone of Sweet Home Alabama plays!"
The parents trying to hush their kids only by YELLING at them that "You're disturbin' err'body" "Quiet a'fore ya git thrown out"! - Seriously, were the Beverly Hillbillies filming a reunion?
All I'm saying is, have a little dress rehearsal. Tell your kids that it's expected that they be quiet, silence your phones, get your food in plenty of time, get to your seats and pretend that there are 300 strangers that do not wish to know what's going on with your lives!
Thanks! Silence is Golden.....and non-existent!
Today's topic will cover the lack of manners and contageous amnesia regarding how to act while sitting in a dark movie theater.
Now I know that the existence of public movie watching is a relative new thing....if a "new thing" could be defined as something that started around 1895!
You would THINK that people would have learned how to act by now.
Apparently not.
When preparing for battle, tons of steps must be taken. Many hours of preparation will be involved.
When preparing for a test, there is studying. Heck, going to the bathroom even requires a check of the ole' toilet paper roll to make sure adequate paperage is there!
So, and I'm SURE I'm asking too much, but would it be too far a reach to have a pre-movie check-list before you hunt for a seat in the dark and scare the paying customers with enough common sense to get there on time??
I take my kids to see a harmless animated film about an obese bear with MAD Kung-Fu skills. It's me, my wife, a seven year old, and a ten year old. We would fill up four seats out of a five seat row. But, before the movie even begins...there are SIX people on our row.
Here is our GENIOUS idea...whilst the wife and a kid get the food...another kid and I get the seats. It's about 20-something minutes until the previews begin. Sounds harmless enough.
The devastation begins with a lady and her "must-speak-in-maximum-decibal-level-child" complaining about where to sit! The real problem is not that Gilbet Godfrey's son was so audible, it was that his mother kept answering him based on what he was saying and not the shear deafening level he was exhibiting. No, never heard a "shh". Only her responding as if he had a point!
Then, there was the jolting of my seat and the seats next to me by, what can only be described as "belly bumping". I've been on airplanes with turbulence with less of a seat jarring!
And all this..before lovely wife arrived with food and beverage.
And, as the four of us settled, we then witnessed redneck after hillbilly fumble in. Loud and confused...like drunk sheep at Nascar! - I do NOT assume that they are rednecks....I gathered this information based on their reaction from a clip of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby that flashed on the screen! "Woo Hoo" - "That's a good 'en!" And so forth.
The previews were now beginning and seats were about 75% full. The remaining 25% entered at what appeared to be the same EXACT time. There weren't seats available at more than two at a time...but we, of course, had people in groups of six and seven literally walking all the way to the front and back up to the back. Guys were griping "I'm literally blind". "I can't see a thing"! - (This apparently affected his ears too as he was practically yelling!)
Alas, the piece' d' resisDUNCE! - A lady with three kids and a friend was looking for seats. The three kids were placed in front of us and, wouldn't ya stinkin' know it, the ONE seat available on the inside by the wall was SO conveniently available for the tattoo'd mother to sit at so that she could check her brightly-lit phone, and hold her kid, and discuss what plans they had after the movie, that I was not going to be able to pay attention too due to the circus of noise, will end.
Then, I say THEN the movie begins. Only to be interrupted by phones ringing. No, not the "oops I forgot to silence my phone" occurences. The "let's see who this is and let it ring four times so that the entire ringtone of Sweet Home Alabama plays!"
The parents trying to hush their kids only by YELLING at them that "You're disturbin' err'body" "Quiet a'fore ya git thrown out"! - Seriously, were the Beverly Hillbillies filming a reunion?
All I'm saying is, have a little dress rehearsal. Tell your kids that it's expected that they be quiet, silence your phones, get your food in plenty of time, get to your seats and pretend that there are 300 strangers that do not wish to know what's going on with your lives!
Thanks! Silence is Golden.....and non-existent!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Legend of Granny
Fairfield TX holds many memories for me. Naps, 42, singing, getting ears punctured in the back of a pick up bed for "weight loss" purposes! But my favorite memory is in the person of my wife's grandmother - Jewel Morris. I will refer to her as "Granny" simply because, when introducing myself for the first time, she said "Call me Granny" - as to which my wife replied, "Everyone else does"!
She lived for 86 years, and if you broke apart the word "lived", you could see: loved, taught, made laugh, led, cared, served, and countless other positive influential phrases that could be inserted. I just remember he being so funny. Without even trying, I'm sure. Her little phrases that she spouted off mid-sentence catching people off guard. She would always ask me to play the piano. "Go over, sit down and play something." Before I got through with "What would you like to hear?" - She would interrupt "It don't matter!"
If she had a Facebook, her statuses would probably constantly be
Jewell Morris: Cooked for several people today.
Served everyone that I crossed paths with.
Gave a lot of advice today.
Skunked some friends and family at 42.
Made the world a better place and made it look easy!
...and ALL of her friends would like her status!
I will miss her house. The sounds, availability of food. Scanner in the background, tv on for the kids, the pictures, the way she would ask questions specific to each individual life. "How is your singing group?" "Or, "how is work at your hospital?"
My Mother's mother passed when I was only one year old, so, she was VERY much my second Grandmother.
We celebrated her life this past Monday and all the wonderful things said about how great of a person she was made me re-evaluate the relationship with my own family. It also makes me want to leave the legacy that she was able to leave. I am not used to so many members of a family staying that close for that long. The Matriarch can make or break a family. She set the example of how it is to be done!
She will be missed but NEVER forgotten. She will quoted, and honored.
God has truly added a Jewel to his treasure in Heaven.
Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
