It's a Bird...It's a Plane...It's...Grasshopper Girl??

Howdy Readers!

Not everyone can pull off tube tops and lepoard skin skirts.....BUT THEY SHOULD! Just pull them right off before leaving the house and wrap yourself in an appropriately placed Beach Towel!! - Here's a scale in which to measure if your attire should NOT be worn. -If, when you walk by, you hear the sound of "Awe...no they di-int!" - Get back in your car NOW. Drive back home, pull up the intranets, order some clothes that cover up all the stuff, and set some matches to yo' closet! - Now don't give me the "that's all I have to wear routine" - The homeless people I see are very modest and cover up quite a bit!
Red panty hose.....PLEASE!

Notice the picture that this blog came with? That is a "Need Help" sign in the middle of Wal-Mart. It's a wonder there weren't HOARDS of people under it!
Never has a sign been more aptly placed.
My wife (who also has an awkward meter...stay tuned for my next blog about that) and I were purchasing my birthday presents, which was this past July 12th if you want to post a "Happy Birthday" comment or something (big fat wink at cha!) and we had an interesting verbal exchange with the check-out person in the electronics department. I believe one of his choice small-talk-customer-service-phrases that you undoubtedly get at the Wal-Mart school of how you talk to people when you are checking them out, was "I'm glad my wife works, 'cuz I'm just a lowly wal-mart worker." - WHAT...do we say to that? (I wanted to say "You're MARRIED?") But whatever!

Nextly...I would like to discuss an epidemic sweeping the motorcycling nation. The old "point to the road as you pass an oncoming motorcycle while you are on a motorcycle wave"
Is this something new? We were driving behind a feller on a motorcycle and he kept pointing to the ground beside him. It wasn't until we noticed a DIFFERENT biker pointing as he passed YET ANOTHER (what, is there a rally that we don't know about?) on the highway! I never saw that on CHIPS! The Fonze never did it either!

Enclosing, I would like to say something that you may not be aware of.
We have, somewhere in our midst, a NEW superhero that I didn't know about.
Let me explain. As I'm out traveling with a quartet, working VERY hard to be the secondary bread-winner of the family...(laughing) my wife takes the reins of the household duties and that's just wonderful........(sorry, I drifted off because I typed "duties") Anyway, Andrea was taking out the trash with Caden (5) and he told her, as they were walking down the sidewalk, "Mommy don't touch that bug or it will bite you and turn you into Grasshopper Girl!"
Personally, I see a green, skin-tight suit coming on. And, the ability to jump like 70 feet would be cool! Oh, and you get those wings so you can temporarily fly I guess!
But alas, I will have to explain to the youngling that Mommy won't become Grasshopper Girl due to a bug bite...everybody knows that she sprays on this special aerosol, steps into a greenhouse, where she transforms and mounts a motorcycle and points to the ground when she passes other grasshoppers!!

Later

Dave

Hello There!

One thing that keeps my mental irritants employed are dropped calls.
It's not just the inconvenience of losing someone mid-conversation, but the one with whom you are speaking not having dropped call etiquette!
Allow me to elaborate. (You're not doing anything else right now apparently)
You're talking to someone, the call gets dropped, ya both keep on-a talkin'!
Then, the call gets re-made, and the conversation starts over from two different viewpoints!

Enjoy!

THIS was a recent call dropped situation:
Phone: "Ring"
Me: "Hello"
Caller: "Hey, did you get a chance to have that form signed?"
Me: "Not yet." "He was not in his...
Phone "So long suckers!"
Me: (Continuing to speak to nothing) "...office, but he will be back at noon"
Phone: "Ring"
Me: (Realizing call had been dropped) "Hello?"
Caller: "Sorry, I think I lost you." "What were you saying?"
Me: "I was saying that he was not..."
Caller: (Interrupting) "No, I heard that part." "What was the last part?"
Me: "Noon."
Caller: "What about noon?"
Phone: (laughing)
Me: (Not knowing where to start since I lost him mid-sentence) "HE...WILL...BE...BACK...UP...HERE..AT...NOON!"
Caller: "Oh." "Well, that will be too late anyway." "We'll just have to do something else."

Then the phone cut off and I could even hang up on him out of frustration! :(

But alas you know your day is destined for greatness when the inspection maintenance guys are in your office. There were 5 of them in one little area all discussing the same problem. You had the four workers and the Strawboss telling them what to do. This guy was old and huge. Nothing wrong with that....except when his cell phone went off.
Folks, I believe there are certain things about the choices we make that just invite judgement upon us. Let us NOT misquote the scripture here. The Bible does NOT say "Don't judge anyone" - It clearly states - "Judge not, lest ye be judged"
I WANT to be judged for my bad decisions. It's what keeps me from repeating them and doing similar things. That said...if I dress in all pink, by all means, make a judgement and tell me that it's not right. If I introduce myself as my favorite superhero upon meeting strangers...go ahead and intervene. - Now, with that little preface, let me tell you about what happened regarding the big, old, maintenance guy!
Picture this....340lbs, overalls, partial beard, missing teeth, dirty hat, boots...the works. If the Clampett's had a yard sale, this guy cleaned them out! - This is not the part I'm being judgemental about. It was his RINGTONE!
He was perched on a ladder 5 feet in the air with his head up the ceiling of my office. Then he got a call...what did I hear? "IT'S JUST A THRILLER....THRILLER NIGHT"

Really...? Really? If that was MEANT to be a joke, it would be fine. But, deep down....I bet he likes to get his groove on! And THAT man don't need to be groovin'

My only peace came from the fact that after he answered the phone.....it dropped his call!
SCORE!!

Later, Dave

Nearly Blogged

Hi Readers!

Many of you have questioned why I think the way I do. Or "how do you put up with him" type phrases have always been passed around. I will continue to view them as positive statements! REGARDLESS!

Why do things pop into my head the way they do? I'm not sure. Maybe a combination of too much tv, being an only child, seeking attention, approval...and the list may go on.
Recently at a lunch with friends, our order was being taken. When asked what vegetable that she wanted one of our companions stated "Mixed Veggies please" - As to which I quickly replied "Oh, we don't call them that." "They're 'Blended' Veggies"
Later, that same lunch, we were enlightened that once upon a time this guy ordered his food and a worm was found in his food. EEEWW, was the consensus reply from the table. "What?" he said. "It was just a little worm" - As to which the Dave-O said "Well, two worms had to 'do it' to make that worm" - Now why would I revert back to two worms courting, getting married...leading up to a honey-moon where they conceived our little worm that night?? - Because, YES all of that flashed in my mind as I was saying it!!
Or what about my wife telling me about topical antiseptic....as to which I replied "Well, atleast it is up to date on current events!" - Topical. Get it? On topic? - That's good stuff playas!

Last but not least...I'd like to mentally swim out to the sea of those who find it necessary to use the phrase "nearly drowned"
The NEWS is the worstest at this. - "Parents are relieved that their 3 year old is still alive thanks to the quick thinking of a local paramedic" She (pauses for effect) NEARLY DROWNED at a nearby waterpark....

Excuse me? "Nearly"? So...she....just got wet? Barely swam enough? Struggled with her floating.
Now, I'm not saying that it isn't scary to come close to losing a loved-one by drowning. I'm just saying that nearly drowning is a redundant way of saying that you survived something water-related. If you survived a "water" incident....I have a problem with "nearly"
When you crash in a plane and live, you "survive a plane crash" NOT nearly crashed to death!
Bottom line, if you survive a dramatic water-related incident you STILL survived. You take a shower...nearly drowned. Walk down the road, come a little too close to an old lady's garden...get sprayed by the hose - Nearly drowned. Cause you survived.

I'll let it be now!

Have a nice day!

The 3rd!

Happy Holidays!

The sun called...wants it's temperature back! This HEAT is making me cranky, and old.

The Fam and I were eating out at a catfish place recently and the table next to us had a lady that had QUITE a physical personality. (She was larger folks)- and that's fine. What WASN'T fine was my youngest son Caden thinking it was alright to give her a little slap on the hangy down part of her arm!!
What goes through his mind during these little escapades? "OOH, fun, must touch!" "Soft!"
She just smiled and nodded as if to say ";) happens all the time"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er, hospital, it's payroll day!! What does that mean for the Dave-O? Lets, see if I can paint this eloquently...
We have an accounting department, an HR department, inquisitive employees, and a founding physician that MUST sign off on all checks before disbursement. - I like the word disbursement. It sounds important. I like using it...disbursement! - So you have these 4 entities that must be tied together by a common bond, a bridge, a strand of effort weaving betwixt the complexities of inter-departmental personalities!
Whom to we call upon? - Moi! (Mwa, for the non-bi-lingual)
So, I must be the one to field questions from employees having questions regarding their checks, call HR, call Accounting, run the checks to the OR to have the Dr. sign.
I would NEVER complain about this process.In fact, I don't ever remember complain about anything! Ever! And, I have a faulty memory!!
This brings us to today. Or does it...?....Yes, it does bring us to today. I don't even know what that means!

Today, I had a "gentleman" come to me axing about some retro-blah-blah-blah on his check! Now it wouldn't be important to me except that my boss wanted me to "take care of it" - which means it's not THE most important thing to me!
It wasn't my job function, but since I am capable of getting the job done, THAT'S what qualifies me to own, and solve this problem!
And solve it I did! - But....explaining that it wasn't my fault that the retro was wrong, was no easy task.

However, due to the graphic nature of my thoughts, AND the fact many-a-co-worker reads this blog...("Many" meaning one or two) I will not continue to indulge (or disburse)any negativity and, instead, wish you the best Independence Day and remember:
You are unique...just like EVERYBODY else!!

D. O.

PM What??

Greetings readers!

I really should stop watching tv. I saw a commercial that advertised about P.M.D.D. which is LIKE P.M.S. - ....I'm sorry, huh?!? Now there's ANOTHER one to look out for!
It's not safe to walk out of the house anymore! That's probably the reason for all the celebrities leaving this world. (may they rest in peace)
Fortunately, none of the ladies I know ever come across in a negative manner thereby eluding me to assume that they are on...it..?..that?...

Am I getting THAT old? I walked in a convenient store the other day (probably to get the wife an ICEE....'cause I do that.... ALL the time!) - and the cashier and I had a friendly little chat. I told her that I hadn't seen something since I was in high school. She said "a long time huh?" -
uh...YOU'RE LIKE 50! With smoke freckles and rubber skin! I didn't respond with what little nugget 'cause I'm not mean like that...instead, I write negative things about people! It gets me through the week! :)
I'm only 30. That's only 15 two times....of course it's half of 60...but you only as old as you....dress?...rap?...can't be feel, because medication is not always available!

Oh well, have a wonderful work week old timers! And don't assume that people in bad moods have any sort of syndrome! ('Cause they hate it when you say that!)

Later, Dave

And, you're name's gonna be...??

Hey there Readers,

Confusion is the first step to knowledge, therefore, I am a genius!

There is an Extremely nice lady that cleans the department that I work in every day. Recently she was dusting the top of my desk and accidentally knocked over some trays. I was in the other room but saw it take place. She apologized profusely then began to put the papers back in the tray....Now honey, did you know what order they were in? No - This would be an appropriate opportunity to just dump them in my lap and say "I give up!"

Moving on,
I had to set up a conference call between my boss and two other individuals. As soon as it was time, I called the number and got the first lady on the phone. She said "hang on a second, let me get Josh" - About a minute later, Josh joined us. Josh said "John?" - I said "No, it's David" he said "Oh, sorry, I just got off the phone with a John."
- Here's my question... - If you don't know the name of someone, is the rule just give them the name of the previous person that you were talking too? You don't ask "what is your name?" - If luck would have it that he was talking to a Brandy would he call me Brandy? When he finishes praying and the phone rings, does he say "Amen" - "Hello, Jesus?"

Okay, time to get out of town and take a bus!

Later, Dave

And, what are tires...again?

Readers,

As with the willowing away of tire tread, so goes my patience with the employees designated to work on my vehicle at your local Wal-Mart. Even though I SHOULDN'T complain (because I should learn to do mechanical-type work own-self) I'm-a gonna!

I needed two new front tires. I pulled around to the Wal-Mart Tire/Lube Express area. Parked, and began walking up to the "garage-of-sense-less-beings"
I was greeted by this dude with a puzzled look on his face. He said "Can I help you?" I said "I need to get two tires" - He paused and looked at me for what seemed like a month! Then said "You need us to put 'em on?" ........"Uh....YES!" (Maybe people do only by tires and not have them put on) but I was not thinking in that direction. (And he had a very confused face leading me to believe that he was not open to the concept of OPTIONS!)
Having gotten through to him that I wanted two tires put ON my car, we proceeded to to go through the registration process where he takes my name and such. He asked "front or back?" (Really?) I told him "front" - this booger looked down at the BACK tires and then began typing information on that little thing they type on.
Having completed that, I went in to get a cutting of my hair. The hair cuttist began singing along with a Britney song! I think it was the circus song, not sure. "All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus" - "Don't bother with a song just make it not so long just like a hair cut!"
Then she asked me if I wanted a shampooing. I said "nah" she said (singing) "it's complimentary!" - I said "Okay" she said "I knew that was coming" - I said "I knew it was free, I just don't think that they're through with my tires yet!" - She said "Yeah, it takes them forever to do anything" - Whoa, Wal-Mart wounds it's own team!
Well, they weren't finished and I had to wait. Once ready, I paid, got the key, and commenced to walking to my car. My car was backed in and the driver's side door was closest to me. Now what made me do this is beyond me...but, I walked over to the passenger side door to make sure that the front tires were done (tee hee) GUESS WHAT I SAW? A perfectly new tire - with NO hub-cap!!
I had to walk back to the garage and find someone. I told this old man who said "That's my fault, they didn't see me put it over thar"

I'm just thankful that I noticed and that I got short hair, 4 hubcaps, and another day to blog!

Later, Dave


**Disclaimer** - The views expressed in this here blog are not intended to draw attention to the ignorance of others, but to make fun of the Dave-O and his "Awkward-Waiting-To-Happen" mental status. At no time is it to be assumed that ALL Wal-Mart workers are purposely ignorant. - I am making fun of the way that I take people and how I interpret them as treating me - Anyone that doesn't get that is a complete idiot!!

Have a wonderful day!
(And I'm kidding about the "idiot" comment)