Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fortune Cookie

Today, the wife and I sat at the Toyota dealership as we waited to get both cars' oil changed.
We lounged in the lobby, drinking our Starbucks, sitting next to a table with two Oriental ladies.
Andrea became nervous as I was questioning her as to where she thought the were from. (Japan, China, or Korea) - although "Toyota" probably should have given it away...

I became (apparently) too audible for her liking as she kept shh-Shing me.
My tactics were harmless. And not at ALL racist. (I find that if you say "I'm not being racist" - that excuses you from any accusation) that's what I've learned from Hollywood. :-)

We were given complimentary chocolate chip cookies and, to determine if they were Chinese, I was audibly asking "I wonder if there is a fortune in here" - had there been it would have probably read "you will soon find yourself with diabetes."
I Got shh'd.

I was googling how to say " hello" in Japanese, and tried to trick Andrea into saying the following phrase. "What does this mean 'coon e cheewah'?"
She did not fall for it.
Got shh'd again.

I did not have a chance to a venture into any Korean inquisition as we had to leave.

I suppose it is not easy being out and about with me as I have the ability to speak. 

However, just before we had to leave, the service person walked over towards us with a confused face. He looked right at us and said "sorry, thought you were someone else behind the plant."
(There was a 9 inch plant at the table (large enough to disguise me, apparently)

I thought "who did he think I was?" A florist? Funeral director? A jungle cat?!

As were were checking out, the same guy came back up and said "oh, that WAS you" "I saw you on the other side of the plant" - which means he has x-ray vision...he's just not good at recognizing who he sees.....much like the Oriental friends we did not meet. I did, however, come up with a BRIILIANT way to ask without offending.

I will simply say "what color is your flag?"

~ note to self: learn what a Japanese, Chinese, and Korean flag looks like!!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Throwback Monday

On Monday, October 13th - we celebrate Columbus Day. Or as I like to call it "Majority Ignorant Day" as I'm sure most people are not aware of what kind of monster that Chris Columbus was. Though there is a catchy tune about how to remember him and his travels, he made a much more lasting impression on the natives that welcomed (or ran from) him.

Upon arrival he captured many islanders to work in his gold mines. He did not waste time jumping on the slavery bus as he sold young native girls into sexual slavery.
Many of these slaves died of exhaustion working in his mines - if an "Indian" worker did not deliver his full quota of gold dust by a certain deadline, soldiers would cut off the man's hands and tie them around his neck to send a message! Gee, what a stand-up guy.

Columbus made a second trip to the new world and, this time, brought cannons and attack dogs to help capture the native people. Goodness...Spain. Is. Awesome! (Condescending tone implied)

Why don't we rename the day? Instead of recalling the name of a Sadaam-like tyrant!

I find it interesting that, today, we get in trouble for wanting foreigners to simply get a job upon entering our country...when, it seems, that (way back then) we could have SERIOUSLY used some border patrol!

They honeslty should have thrown back Chris Columbus instead of Thursday...

Monday, October 6, 2014

Play It Backward

As I write this, and contemplate whether or not Taylor Swift has recently purchased stock in "Steak and Shake" - I want to share a quick experience that I had.
By the way, this attached pic is of the fam as we head away from Whataburger - one of the few fast-food joints not affected by a recent storm in Rockwall causing many power outages, and debris relocated. (Fortunately, God had His hand on Starbucks as well and they remained undamaged - ugh! Can you imagine Rockwall without a working Starbucks?!? Armagedden!!
By the way number two (tee hee, "number two") - the song playing on the radio was being brought to us by an artist that went by the handle of Hootie and not Darius...

And now on to the meat of the story...

On my way to work last week I exited the highway and pulled up to a stop light. Resting behind two other cars I noticed a person with a sign asking for money. These people always frighten me. Because I am sheltered and watch too many movies. However, a gospel song was playing and I felt the need to actually partake in the activity of helping someone. I knew I had some change in my change drawer holder (formally known as an ash tray), rolled down my window and he spoke to me and said "I'm just trying to get enough for some breakfast at McDonald's." I handed him what amounted to 5 one dollar bills. He said "If you was a woman I'd kiss ya." I started to reply - that's prostitution and out of the question. I felt pleased that I could help, and pleased that he did not pull a knife, gun, or set of lips on me. Then, as I drove off, I noticed that he remained...still intending to ask oncoming vehicles for money.

I am familiar with the McDonald's dollar menu and I know that I just gave him what equals to at least 4 meals...and to just keep on asking after saying "I just want enough to get a meal" - well, I turned my truck around, plowed down that service road and ran him over!

I'm kidding, I got out, wrestled him for my 5 bucks back.

I'm kidding, I'd be too afraid to wrestle anyone!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Left and Uriah

There has been a time or two that I have been referred to as "The Man." As in, "you're the MAN!"
Mostly at the reflection of my mirror with a two-thumbs up/winky face from yours truly.
Most of the time "you're the man" is a cool thing.
However, there are times when that is not so good.
As in 2 Sam 12:7 where Nathan tells David a story about a rich man who had many things and a man who had one little lamb that he babied and nurtured (even to the point of allowing her to eat and sleep in his lap - a mini-beagle-lamb, no doubt.) When a traveler came to the rich man he was unwilling to use any of his livestock to sacrifice in order to provide a meal for the traveler, but instead took the poor man's lamb, and used that for the meal. This did NOT sit well with King David and he wanted the rich man dead! Plus, he wanted the poor man's loss restored 4 times!! David had compassion on the poor man as his, anger was kindled organist the rich man.
(Billy Mays voice) - But wait, there's more!
Nathan was consulting David regarding this issue for the sole purpose of exposing his own sin. - David had recently murdered Uriah (Hebrew for kidney infection) via the sword and took Uriah's wife for his own. -

Once David pronounced judgment on the rich man, Nathan hit him with "You are the man."
Words not easily accepted as they were also accompanied by all of his recent sins as well as the judgment of losing his wives in public forms of humiliation.
It was then that David admitted that he was wrong. (Probably the right call)
(Where ya going with this Dave-O?) - whelp, I find it interesting that David got so emotionally involved with a situation and yet missed out on his own choices causing pain.
Do you know anyone that is causing grief by their actions? And also causing pain all the while so blind of their own behavior?
Well of COURSE ya do! (Fake smiley face, condescending tone)

But who is the real hero here? Is it Nathan? So cleverly tricking David into casting hypocritical judgment on a situation less serious than his own?
Or is it God who forgave him after admitting that he was in the wrong?
I submit to you that the hero is anyone that understands that they can be the better person by simply realizing the negative actions they are causing must cease. Just back down, don't get all offended and realize that the people that love you truly LOVE you.
Don't play some "victim" like a whiney, dead gecko. Call it what it is and let the people that would otherwise judge you simply forgive you.
In the spirit of love..Love your neighbor.
So "be the man!" Or "be the woman!"

Just don't be "THE man" - you get it. ;-)

Thursday, December 5, 2013

~ Winters and Losers ~

*If I could, somehow...go back in time.
 Back to the very first conversation that this happened. And slightly alter the episode of the birth of a phrase...I would do so. I would so!

 I would travel the great distance that it would require, just to seize control of a simple (yet overused, mistreated, out-dated...lame, unintended for this type of description) two-worded pile of letters that only come around once(d) a year to haunt my deepest, seasonal, dreams.
"This" time of year. When it is...oh what's the word? "Cold." As it is (wait for it) - every. time. of. year. - during these months.

Folks, if I could pinpoint the exact moment that it took place - I would dress very nicely (just in case there is a photo opportunity) - I would eat a solid breakfast to keep my strength (little as it is) - Then I would load up in the device of said time travel, enter my destination/location and so forth. Allow the machine to travel while I played Candy Crush or checked out the latest Bit Strips...may log on to Obamacare's website.

Once I arrived, I would travel to the location of the un-blessed event. Very politely slither into the "conversation" that included the "one". The "architect" of the verbal terror destined to plague my already pointy ears to the point of consuming entirely too much egg nog...

I would listen to he/she rambling on...with me nodding along as if entrigued to no end fake laughs abounding - then, as soon as I felt the presence of the moment, as soon as I understood my lot in life (time machine notwithstanding) - I would ever so gently place my hand upon this strangers mouth. Silencing them. Stunning the crowd. Changing the world. Bending the flow of life!!

No doubt such action would be received with a bug-eyed face of confusion.
 Certainly. Cannot argue with you.
 I would react with the same if it were to happen to me.
 I would place my other hand up to the on-looking crowd (I'm guessing this is some sort of dinner party and every one is dressed fancy with drinks in hand that I could not even pronounce...and English accents - but I'm not sure why) - stifling their murmuring. I would then give my newly acquired, mute victim this look of  "fear not, I bring you tidings of great joy" - and would usher he/she into a room. Alone. (Probably a library) - Determined to explain my brute interruption. That's fair. They deserve that. (I'm going to assume it's a "he" now.)

"Fella", I would say, "You have NO idea the damage you almost brought about the world."
"MMrrrfff, mmrrf, kkddlldiddle" - he'd say, as my hand is still over his mouth.
"What?" I'd retort, removing my hand.
"What is the meaning of this?" He'd bellow. "How dare"

Simple - you were in your changing room hours ago getting ready for this party. Muttering something about the weather (I would know this because I have a time machine, of course) and you noted not just THAT it was cold, not just HOW cold, but that it was both "wintry" and that it seemed as if the north pole just shot all of its elements at your little (English, apparently) town.

~ It was then that he would understand that by placing my hand over his mouth - I prevented anyone from hearing the phrase "Winter Blast." ~

With a quick zap of my "Men In Black mind eraser thing" (again, time machine - how are you not getting that I have cool gadgets?) I would then warn him not to use that phrase or his children will limp in circles forever...thus exstinguishing the light of that verbal pot from ever boiling.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, into the car and glanced at the dash.

Zoomed back to now, with gladness and glee.

Knowing what peace the Morning News will be.

Just to hear the meterologists, together.

Announcing that "it's just cold" - when referring to the weather!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all that want a winter blast, go to Dairy Queen.

- dave

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Miracle on 34th

Thursday (tomorrow) marks one year that I turned 33, and discovered that I had a brain tumor. (Do I mention the brain thing too much?) - Well, fortunately, the results of the biopsy came back benign. And, I now have resting in my skull a 16 screw plate! Which does NOT serve as a filter for my random/albeit inappropriate thoughts. I have noticed, however, that I do not get those "ice cream headaches" like I used to.

I've also looked at life differently. It's fragile. It's fleeting. I take things for granted...not marble. :( - my humor has not improved either.

I wonder what the next year holds?
This past year was accompanied with a plethura of changes. I had my 15th high school reunion. (hey everybody)
We sold our house in Greenville. Moved to a new one in Rockwall! The kids are staying by themselves during the summer. (Yikes!) We opened another Forest Park facility in Frisco. Lost some co-worker friends to new jobs...:(  (miss you people)
Tried to step out of my comfort zone and get closer with some remaining co-workers...amazing what you discover about people and yourself! - Mostly, people are crazy!! Random. Amazing. Scary.

I finally...finally started my book and have close to 7000 words (at the time of this writing)
Still playing piano for my church.
Still singing and playing for Harmony.
Still dominating my kids in Mario Kart...for the most part.
Still like watching people that are "people watching"
Still working in the OR changing the lives of those around me one sarcastic statement at a time - (there's one NOW!)

Next year, I'm sure, will be the meeting of new people. Deeper looks at current relationships. A revamped Mavs roster (ugh!) - Hopefully finishing the book. Lowering my cholesterol, while gaining weight. - weird combo. It ain't easy.

I am under the impression that 34 is the new 43.
It's not the size of the dog in the's the one who doesn't flinch first when sprayed in the face with the water hose!

Keep reading my Facebook statuses...there's a test at the end. :)

p.s. Please mind your "You're's and "Your's" - let's use them correctly. Makes my life easier.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sonic Boom

God is either helping me, or making fun of me! I will resolve that He places people in our paths to pray for. Some for wisdom, or financial freedom. Some for balance...I said, balance...-

It used to be that the local Sonic carhop could skate out to your car, tray in one hand, change in the other with the swan-like grace of Emmitt Smith when he was on Dancing With the Stars...those days are apparently gone as, today, I was tackled like Emmitt Smith when he was in a Cardinal uniform!

I had pulled up to the talking menu station. I placed our order. My wife and I enthralled in a conversation about some silly co-worker, then our order arrives. Boy...did it "arrive"! As I nodded my head impatiently because "yes, that's what I ordered" I heard this "WHOA!" - and saw this giant Sonic cup. It was giant because it was so close to my face...and had gotten there so quickly! The carhop FELL. Not down. INTO my car door. Somehow, flat concrete managed to throw her! And I caught my beverage as she hurled it to me. " She was not hurt. But I had rapid heart palpitations! It's one thing if you know a klutz and they trip. (My son runs into the wall ALL the time) - but this was not expected. I thought that someone (NOT wearing skates, mind you) would make it through this purchase accident free.

Then came the time for the chatter. "Wow", she said. "That's never happened to me before."

"Me neither." I said in this "this is actually the first time a human has thrown a styrofoam cup at me while slamming their hands on my door when, all I did, was order a burger and you are attacking me-voice"

(It's not over folks) - She then..........stands on one foot. As if part flamingo. And says "see, I have good balance." "I normally stand like this." (she displays the Karate Kid pose) - One foot, people! It's daylight! WHAT do the other customers think I am making this woman do?!

You're keeping the change because I don't want to to pelt me with a bunch of coins!

I just felt like sharing. So, remember, praying for balance often means having the patience to deal with other people's unbalances. Maybe I trip and fall and don't realize it either. I'll watch my step. You watch yours.

And, next time, go to Jack in the Box!!