If Necessary??

Hello you!
I was at work changing out the toner in our wonderful copy/fax/printer/scanner/stapler/machine and I was wondering what to do with the empty trash toner. I noticed on the box that it said "If toner is swallowed, dilute by drinking a large amount of water. Consult a doctor if necessary." - I would like to dissect "Consult a doctor if necessary" - Does that mean "If it's necessary, THEN call a doctor?" Because, wouldn't you do that anyway? Or, does it mean "If you need a doctor, THEN consult?" In that case, if you knew that you needed a doctor....what would be the purpose of not consulting? Perhaps you like the taste of toner. The magenta really goes with swiss cheese and bread. Maybe it takes the stain of your teeth. Maybe you are trying to commit inkicide!
There are numerous reasons to avoid medical attention, but are there any reasons to print redundant things on packages? - Ah yes, lawsuits! They make it mandatory for us to put un-necessary things on things that prevent us from suing because - OOPS I accidentlly had a shot of toner and NOBODY told me that it may result in the necessity of a doctor AND that I should call just in case of consumption!!
Or, OOPS this coffee I just ordered is hot! Ice is cold! and so forth.
What if we took it a few steps further?
Caution: Don't jump off this mountain.
And, if it happened, pretty sure this is what the court reporter would dictate at the hearing:
"Upon notice of said mountain and the ensuing drop that would take place upon jumping forth hereby removing their person from the existing gravity and letting the newly chosen gravity to accept them and retract their being southward duely in the head-first position, at much speed to the earth, the plaintiff, now dead, being represented by family, still alive, wishes to press suit against the state, said owner of mountain. Wherewithal noting that the sign said "don't" and not "you'd better not" and "jump" instead of "leap" - the plaintiff, still dead, being represented by family, by marriage, would like to institute that, though they better not leap...the lept, henceforth and forevermore hereafter separating their limbs from the original placement and smashing the head that read the mal-formed sign, causing sudden, immediate death, as well as brief mental anguish, knowing that, once landed, the plaintiff, yes dead, represented by family, well, a cousin-in-law with nothing to do thinking they are in the will, would be made a spectacle of in this court, hence makes notice that said sign seems silly sitting so solemnly surrounded on a mountain when they should obviously place it at the spot where the plaintiff, now as flat as a 7 hour-old pancake ran over by a semi on the highway during a hot July day, is now buried. Therebywithalhenceforthness symbolizing that this is what happens if you jump.

Suit amount - Three Ka-Zillion dollars and South America!

Warning: Don't Read This Blog, or drink toner!

Later,

Magenta

Let's Shake On It!

Hey again.
I am sitting here after hours at work waiting to go to quartet practice. Random thoughts pop in my head. What to do?? - I'll share with the reading audience!

Did you know that, before an automobile passes one of many inspections, the speedometer has to prove that it can reach it's highest number? If it says 100mph...while they have it on the lift it will be sped up until that number is reached.
What other things must go through this rigorious torture I wonder.... - TOOTHBRUSHES? Wrap yourself around this one. - In order for them to avoid "false-advertisement lawsuits" the maker(s) of toothbrushes HAVE to test them don't they? Can't just assume that the little bristles will do the job now can they? I'm sure that your t-brush is an A.B.M. Toothbrush (Already Been in Mouth!)

You want to know what hacks me off? - Probably not, but you got nothing else to do right now obviously, so you might as well humor me. - The "Meet and Greet" during a church service.
Who came up with this? - You arrive. Greet people. Go to Sunday School. Talk to people before class starts. Go to big church. Talk to people before service. The service starts and, about the second song "Let's all stand and greet someone you haven't greeted." - Half of the crowd does what? - Turns right around and shakes the person's hand sitting behind them all-the-while rolling their eyes because just 3 and a half minutes earlier THEY SHOOK THE SAME HAND! Another section (mostly elderly) just sits there (which is fine) because they are too tired to go around shaking people's hand. Then, there are the "Fly-around-the-church trying to set some kind of record for most people they can talk to before a song is finished people" - THOSE are the ones you are waiting for when the song-leader says "let's return to our seats"
But, you told us, not 40 seconds ago, to leave and go where someone else is. Make up your mind. If I left my seat to go see you, and you left your seat to go see brother Joe, and brother Joe went to go see sister Betty, and we ALL know that Betty ain't gettin' up for nobody 'cause it's too cold anyway and she's wrapped in a blanket that you know got stolen off the set of Little House On The Prairie, we end up walking around the auditorium never greeting anyone anyway! THAT is why I'm a piano player. So I can just miss all that mess and play. And, by the by, NOBODY ever comes to visit the piano player during that silly time of chaotic-momentary-memory-loss-that-we-JUST-spoke-to-each-other! Which we so affectionately call the "Welcome Time" - Welcome to what? Back to the aisle we were just standing in discussing how windy it's been. I've been at church nearly two hours at this point. If I wanted to talk to them by now.....I would have shook their hand BEFORE service started. Or (I don't know, call me a goober) - AFTER the service! Or maybe, I would drag them down to the altar during the invitation to pray for people who like having welcome time, which is probably just another way to sneak a quick choir practice in right in front of you.
Instead...just have all the first-time visitors walk up to the front and let us give them some big-ole' applause for visiting with us today - Now, RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!

Later, Dave

LOL = Little Old Lady

Hi there. Today's post is brought to you by a left-brained, harmless nut, aching for attention (and comments) from his peeps.
Ah, it's April and it's just a little too windy to say spring is here. The ground is wet enough to limit my lawn-scaping career to "next weekend". I WANT A FREAKIN' DRAUGHT WITH NO WIND. That's it, - we're moving to Texas Stadium 'til they tear it down.

On my way in to work recently, I noticed a sign that said "It's Workzone Awareness Week." - Are we not to give a turkey about the orange-clothed guys and gals (I think she was a gal...she could sure handle a backhoe!) during the rest of the year? I was expecting next weeks' sign to say "Okay, resume not paying attention anymore and keep on speeding through like you are all alone on a highway going through New Mexico with no rest-stops for three hours!"
Later, that same day on the way home, **Wait** - let me set this up a little...
One thing that always makes me nervous is the elderly driving. Not only is there vision and hearing not at it's best, but there are idiots that CUT in front of people no matter who you are. Young people (like me)'s reaction time is bad enough, but to cut in front of someone that is half a step behind is ridiculous.
A second thing that bothers me is texting while you drive. Yes, I do it. Yes I BOTHER ME! You never know when someone hits the brakes unexpectedly. You glance down to read, reply, check Facebook, or the latest blog entry of the Dave-O Today, and BLAMO! You hit someone in a workzone. "But officer, I had no idea that I was supposed to be aware this week." "Tell it to the judge son!"
Later, that same day on the way home, I looked over and saw - an old lady, TEXTING! - W.I.G.O.? (What is going on?)(see if it catches on) I almost wanted her to plow into someone to teach her a lesson for being old, using a cell phone, driving - all at the same time as if to toy with my sensitive emotions, and to basically make fun of everything I stand behind concerning highway transportation safety! - Then again, I DO have something to blog about. So, HA HA Granny!! How do you like them prunes?

My oldest son comes up with questions out of nowhere. I swear he makes a list and just waits for an opening. Like:...(The following is an Actual conversation)

Drew: "Dad, is it raining?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "OUTSIDE?"
Dad: "....Yes"
Drew: "Does the mail deliver in the rain?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "Do spiders swim?"
Dad: "Some"
Drew: "Would a spider catch you if it chased you"
Dad: "NO, I make it a point to outrun ANY preditor chasing me!"
Drew: "What about a bull?" "It will charge you."
Dad: "What kind of interest rate?"
Drew: "......That don't make no sense."
Dad: "You're face don't make no sense."
Drew: (sound of walking away)
Dad: (smiling victoriously)


Not nice folks. But necessary!

Later, Dave