What's in a lame?

When I started work two short weeks ago I tried to make a good impression. I politely laughed at the little jokelets. Looked interested during the minutely entertaining stories of they babies (they put on purpose). I know when my three female office companions' cycles start. I've been baptized with tampon fire and blend in perfectly. - There was morning and there was evening...THAT was the first day!!
So, the second day, I was my complete self. Taking the joking, and zingers to new levels, watching as they MARVEL at the speed and clarity of my silliness. No longer was I this hot new co-worker......(okay, I even laughed at that)...now, I was "one of the girls" and everything I said was just enough over their head that they had to think and either comment with a "you're so strange" or laughter that resulted in multiple personnel snorting!

Fast forward to today. I thought we were mature enough that I could tell a simple little story of something that happened to me. Not a joke. Not a humorous anecdote with a quip on the end. No, one of "their" little short stories that seems sooooo entertaining that they think everyone else needs to listen. - Here was my story...
"So yesterday, I was driving on the bridge going over Lake Ray Hubbard, and I saw a car that had rear-ended another car parked on the shoulder. Then, about 50 yards ahead of him was, no doubt, the vehicle that he had the collision with backing towards him. When we passed I noticed that the driver backing up was about 99 years old. He doesn't need to be driving backwards. He doesn't even need to be driving forward, much less over a bridge."

That was it. That was my story. I was NOT looking to make anyone laugh. I was just telling a random event that happened to me. One of my co-workers spoke up with a "Was that the end of that story?"
"Uh, yes" I replied. "Am I supposed to be ultra-funny everytime I talk now?" "Can't I just tell a mindless little something?"
Do I really have to be "on" the whole time?

Darn it. Why did I have to be born so dog-gone fabulous?!! - Kidding....a little.

I did try to tell the same story to another co-worker with the hopes of a more pleasant reaction. She went on to tell me about the casualties of old people being on the road! Yikes! Will this ever end? I just want one person to say (are you ready for it?) .."Oh, really" and then move on. No silly comments about my story being more enlightening. No "is that it's!"

Since I'm a baby I went on a quest to then say something lame/funny to try to change my mood. One girl had mentioned that an acquaintance of hers had an allergy to cashews. I brought this back up and reiterated that the "cashew made him achoo" - Huh? Nice right?

Okay, one more. (time for the home-run)
Another lady in our office was yawning and, as I passed by, she said "David" - But I didn't really understand her and I stopped and waited for her to re-address me. She did and I hopped over to see her and said "sorry I didn't stop before I thought you were swallowing a small bear!" - Bet that one did it for you!

Have a pleasant one. And, remember, the bridge story wasn't meant to be funny. Just mildly interesting and listened to with respect to the speaker never calling out the ability to tell a story.

The "edge" of reason....

Folks, fair warning. Do NOT read this.
I'm serious. It is not pleasant.

Okay, FINE. Continue at your own risk.



Thursday the 18th. There I was. In my office 8:29am - It was a relatively quiet morning. My eye was bothering me. I had started a new project at work. The day was going just fine.....until............in walked the office nurse. With a story to tell.


"Ya'll" she said. "This morning I was in the shower, shaving my pits and when I went to switch from the left to the right, I cut my nipple with the razor!"



All of the blood drained from my face. Me and the office manager immediately clutched our busoms! I heard a legion of demons screaming off in the distance. I had forgotten about my eye irritant - due to the vision loss, no doubt.
It was the single worst thing I had ever heard. ALL BEFORE 9AM!!!

I can't even go on.......Merry Christmas!

Weather or not!

So I'm watching Ice Road Truckers last night to try to get some tips on how to drive in to work.

No, not really. But I wish there more than "two" types of drivers out there. 1. The ones going too slow. and, 2. The "what ice?" Drivers.

Bridges are far too plentiful around here.

Let me give you a lesson in who I work with.

As previously stated, I work within slapping distance of two females. Which is not good for a smart-butt like me. I pay dearly for my quips. But they make it so darn easy! They are like Burt and Ernie, except they aren't boys, they don't live together, and they are not muppet characters. But anyway, we made a pact to be nice to each other today. That lasted 10 minutes, then another 7 minutes, we just keep re-making the pact.

The boss is nice and in the same office area. She will throw a paper-clip every now and then. It's not all fun and games though. We get food brought to us by reps as well!! It's not all fun, games, food, fights, though.............let's just say that someone brought a "fart machine" - (not that we needed one, but that story won't make it this time)

But it's not all fun, games, food, fights, and farts, though......I do manage to get work done.

Then, I go home, throw the football (in the house) with the kid, play x-box 360, chase the wife around. But it's not all football, games, and fun though........well, actually it is - with an occasional Frazier episode. Come to think of it, life is grand. I will take this moment to be thankful and pray for many individuals that don't have it so well.....or, don't see that they have it well. Selah.

Thanks for the comments.

I wish you well this season with the hopes of next year being successful.

Talk to you later, keep it on the road! - Dave

What'd I tell ya?

Greetings from the third floor of a Dr's office building across from Doctor's Hospital. Dave-O coming to you live from his.......new job!
That's right folks, this morning I resume employment-ness. Calling and appealing on claims, getting things paid. Something I rather enjoy doing. In an office with three ladies. Two of whom are exactly ONE foot away from me. Oh, they like to talk. They are very nice and I fit right in - thanks to my warm personality and the fact that my wife's best friend is my new boss, who is keeping an eye on me!
I told you people that God will take care of me. Thanks for the comments about having all this free time..........lol.

So far, I've had to move the pink ipod station from my desk (1. To try to concentrate, and 2. Well, the pink thing)
I've made fun of my new co-workers. What is it about me that makes me think that I can so quickly poke fun at people that I barely know? - Must be that warm personality thing again.

Got to go. Boss is watching. and APPARENTLY I have to post more pics of the kids.

Later, Dave

Vengence.....is NOT mine.

Two undeveloped rolls of film were talking. One says to the other "Why you being so negative?".....

Gump was wrong. Life is not like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you know exactly what you're gonna get.....you just may not know when.
What a year! What a week!

You know those people that like to quote scripture when it's convenient for them? Well I'm gonna take a slightly higher road......slightly.......and try to sum up this past Wednesday. This brings me to Psalm 94:1 - O Lord God, to whom vengeance belongeth, show thyself.
I lost my job. Yes, I've checked behind the couch. I was terminated based on lack of experience. Doesn't matter that I was there for 14 months. Doesn't matter that I was never written up. What matters is that a person who came from a bankrupt facility, that has been with the company for 3 months, and has never met me face to face......can determine if I'm not qualified. Well, technically we did meet. We met Wednesday. My last day of work.
"It's finally nice to meet you." "Not just e-mailing and talking on the phone." "We are restructuring the Admitting office and we need someone else with more experience."
At that point I was just the wee bit concerned, that is until the HR lady said "So, you gotta box for your stuff?"...........
"Well, it was nice to meet you!"

This takes me to Malachi 2:3"Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces."
(Friends, dung is poo)

I leave any negative dealings with God. I will move one peacefully. He gave me that job....He took it away. He'll give me another.

It's been a great year. Full of ups and downs. Andrea and I had some obstacles to overcome. Overcame we did. I've seen the passing of a presidency. My son received salvation. I have a new neice. I began playing for a quartet again.
Being the baby that I am, I will surely be at a "woe is me" state in the future. Not today. Today, I realize just how good I have it. Family and friends that love me. (And that I love very much)

Whatsoever a man shall reap, that must he sow. 70 years from now I won't be here. (probably)
Just exaclty what can I do, and what can happen to me that will affect me after I'm gone?

What I can do is make good decisions. And, ANYTHING can happen. That does make it fun. I can lose my job 15 days before Christmas with two small boys under 10 yrs old, a horrible mortgage, car note, - but see that Christmas shopping is already finished. The car will be paid for next year. The boys simply prayed for me to find another job. I still have concerts next year.

If I don't step He cannot steer. I'll be just fine.
And as for my former employment....this brings me to Isaiah 22:18

Play Ball!

Sick-O Today

Good day friends and family. Good if you're not as sick as I be.

Thanksgiving was subtle. Good food, decent football, lots of baby pictures.

Today I've got several topics to cover so let's get to it.

First: Bumper Stickers. - I'm driving to work and I see, on the back of a pick-up. "Follow me to ..." and it had his church name. I thought "what if I followed him and he went somewhere else?" What if I followed him to his job and he worked at KFC or something. I would get out and say "Hey." "I thought I was following you to your church?" - He would say "Well, now that I've got you here..." (thinking that this would be a good time to witness to me) - but I would interrupt "You can't show me the way to Heaven...you don't even know how to get to your church!" - Now, that probably would not happen. But it does bring up an interesting subject. The age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg. (Note the KFC reference)
My thoughts are "the frying pan gets them both in the end" - Be the frying pan, my friends!
My favorite bumper sticker is "If you can read this...I've lost my trailer!" - but no one asked for my favorite.

Next on the list is "What if you drive a Mary Kay car...and you're ugly?" Now, what constitutes ugly? - You'll know one if you see one! But enough with the false advertisement.

Last on the list: The "Starbucks-drive-through-person-that-talks-too-much"
First off, it's usually morning. - I do NOT want to talk any more than I have to. So don't ask me for anything else. Just take my order, give me my total, take my money, and hand me my warm beverage. Classic example (You know you want one!) We usually pull up the ordering menu around 6:55a - Are we greeted with a "May I take your order?" - No. Instead we get Marsha, who has apparently been smoking for as long as I've been alive!

"Welcome to Starbucks, would you like to try one of our new Mocha-Truffle-Winter-Blast-Twist-Spritzer-Chinos?"

No. We would like two Tall White Chocolate Mochas with Caramel (pronounced Car-Muhl) on top.
Marsha: "Okay, that's two tall white mochas with caramal, would you like a warm blueberry muffin to go with that?"
No.
"Marble Cake?"
No.
"Cracker?"

No.

"Hot-Oil Massage?"

What is it with those people?

She gives us our total and we pull up to the window of everlasting small-talk! "That'll be $7.46 - are you having a good morning?" (sound of gunshot)
JUST GIVE ME MY CAFFEINE WOMAN!!

It's the same no matter where you go. "You headin' in to work this mornin'?"

"Yes, kill me now!"

Not that I'm against small-talk and being nice. It's just that I don't like small-talk and being nice.

As you know, I work in a hospital. I'm over the Business Office. I've recently been instructed to forward all billing-related calls to our Corporate office. I gladly do this (mostly because I know how this will turn out.)

A lady calls me and says that she disagrees with the charged amount. I transfer her to a "billing specialist"

The "billing specialist" calls me back and says that he just got off the phone with this woman who was upset at her bill. He told me that he told her that he did not know what to do about it. He told her "I'm just in billing....."

Folks - I've got it! Let's give him a job at Starbucks. Even if you want to order something besides your lengthy-named beverage, he won't give it to you....cause he's just a cashier! Heck, you may not even have to pay for it...'cause (that's right) HE'S JUST IN BILLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Multiple gun shot sounds)

Have a pleasant one. Look out for yourself!

Sick-O