2009 wrap up

Wow. 5 months since I've updated.
I bet you've missed me like a rash you can't reach huh?!?

Well. Let's see if I can sum up the year for me.

Change jobs. 10 yr anniversary. Opening day at hospital. Join home church. Turn 31. New office in OR. Two kids in school. Baby Abby turns one! Like 30 celebrities pass away! Kids take piano lessons. Family being family. Holidays bring acoustic guitar and flying trampoline.

For the New year I will (resolute?) to blog on schedule. (And thanks to our handy dandy Air Card, that should be a lot easier!) - I will also try to be less snippy. I will concentrate on my facial expressions (I will smile more) I will become a talented guitarist! I will try to be a blessing.

Here's hoping that you have a wonderful year.
If I see you, I see you. I'll be the one in Wal-Mart trying to avoid eye contact with the other people. Speaking of Wal-Mart...I noticed these people lifting melons to their nostrils and giving a sniff to each of them on the pile. Methinks they smell like nothing more than the hands of previous shoppers! STOP doing that! It's just wrong.

Later my friends!
Dave

It's a Bird...It's a Plane...It's...Grasshopper Girl??

Howdy Readers!

Not everyone can pull off tube tops and lepoard skin skirts.....BUT THEY SHOULD! Just pull them right off before leaving the house and wrap yourself in an appropriately placed Beach Towel!! - Here's a scale in which to measure if your attire should NOT be worn. -If, when you walk by, you hear the sound of "Awe...no they di-int!" - Get back in your car NOW. Drive back home, pull up the intranets, order some clothes that cover up all the stuff, and set some matches to yo' closet! - Now don't give me the "that's all I have to wear routine" - The homeless people I see are very modest and cover up quite a bit!
Red panty hose.....PLEASE!

Notice the picture that this blog came with? That is a "Need Help" sign in the middle of Wal-Mart. It's a wonder there weren't HOARDS of people under it!
Never has a sign been more aptly placed.
My wife (who also has an awkward meter...stay tuned for my next blog about that) and I were purchasing my birthday presents, which was this past July 12th if you want to post a "Happy Birthday" comment or something (big fat wink at cha!) and we had an interesting verbal exchange with the check-out person in the electronics department. I believe one of his choice small-talk-customer-service-phrases that you undoubtedly get at the Wal-Mart school of how you talk to people when you are checking them out, was "I'm glad my wife works, 'cuz I'm just a lowly wal-mart worker." - WHAT...do we say to that? (I wanted to say "You're MARRIED?") But whatever!

Nextly...I would like to discuss an epidemic sweeping the motorcycling nation. The old "point to the road as you pass an oncoming motorcycle while you are on a motorcycle wave"
Is this something new? We were driving behind a feller on a motorcycle and he kept pointing to the ground beside him. It wasn't until we noticed a DIFFERENT biker pointing as he passed YET ANOTHER (what, is there a rally that we don't know about?) on the highway! I never saw that on CHIPS! The Fonze never did it either!

Enclosing, I would like to say something that you may not be aware of.
We have, somewhere in our midst, a NEW superhero that I didn't know about.
Let me explain. As I'm out traveling with a quartet, working VERY hard to be the secondary bread-winner of the family...(laughing) my wife takes the reins of the household duties and that's just wonderful........(sorry, I drifted off because I typed "duties") Anyway, Andrea was taking out the trash with Caden (5) and he told her, as they were walking down the sidewalk, "Mommy don't touch that bug or it will bite you and turn you into Grasshopper Girl!"
Personally, I see a green, skin-tight suit coming on. And, the ability to jump like 70 feet would be cool! Oh, and you get those wings so you can temporarily fly I guess!
But alas, I will have to explain to the youngling that Mommy won't become Grasshopper Girl due to a bug bite...everybody knows that she sprays on this special aerosol, steps into a greenhouse, where she transforms and mounts a motorcycle and points to the ground when she passes other grasshoppers!!

Later

Dave

Hello There!

One thing that keeps my mental irritants employed are dropped calls.
It's not just the inconvenience of losing someone mid-conversation, but the one with whom you are speaking not having dropped call etiquette!
Allow me to elaborate. (You're not doing anything else right now apparently)
You're talking to someone, the call gets dropped, ya both keep on-a talkin'!
Then, the call gets re-made, and the conversation starts over from two different viewpoints!

Enjoy!

THIS was a recent call dropped situation:
Phone: "Ring"
Me: "Hello"
Caller: "Hey, did you get a chance to have that form signed?"
Me: "Not yet." "He was not in his...
Phone "So long suckers!"
Me: (Continuing to speak to nothing) "...office, but he will be back at noon"
Phone: "Ring"
Me: (Realizing call had been dropped) "Hello?"
Caller: "Sorry, I think I lost you." "What were you saying?"
Me: "I was saying that he was not..."
Caller: (Interrupting) "No, I heard that part." "What was the last part?"
Me: "Noon."
Caller: "What about noon?"
Phone: (laughing)
Me: (Not knowing where to start since I lost him mid-sentence) "HE...WILL...BE...BACK...UP...HERE..AT...NOON!"
Caller: "Oh." "Well, that will be too late anyway." "We'll just have to do something else."

Then the phone cut off and I could even hang up on him out of frustration! :(

But alas you know your day is destined for greatness when the inspection maintenance guys are in your office. There were 5 of them in one little area all discussing the same problem. You had the four workers and the Strawboss telling them what to do. This guy was old and huge. Nothing wrong with that....except when his cell phone went off.
Folks, I believe there are certain things about the choices we make that just invite judgement upon us. Let us NOT misquote the scripture here. The Bible does NOT say "Don't judge anyone" - It clearly states - "Judge not, lest ye be judged"
I WANT to be judged for my bad decisions. It's what keeps me from repeating them and doing similar things. That said...if I dress in all pink, by all means, make a judgement and tell me that it's not right. If I introduce myself as my favorite superhero upon meeting strangers...go ahead and intervene. - Now, with that little preface, let me tell you about what happened regarding the big, old, maintenance guy!
Picture this....340lbs, overalls, partial beard, missing teeth, dirty hat, boots...the works. If the Clampett's had a yard sale, this guy cleaned them out! - This is not the part I'm being judgemental about. It was his RINGTONE!
He was perched on a ladder 5 feet in the air with his head up the ceiling of my office. Then he got a call...what did I hear? "IT'S JUST A THRILLER....THRILLER NIGHT"

Really...? Really? If that was MEANT to be a joke, it would be fine. But, deep down....I bet he likes to get his groove on! And THAT man don't need to be groovin'

My only peace came from the fact that after he answered the phone.....it dropped his call!
SCORE!!

Later, Dave

Nearly Blogged

Hi Readers!

Many of you have questioned why I think the way I do. Or "how do you put up with him" type phrases have always been passed around. I will continue to view them as positive statements! REGARDLESS!

Why do things pop into my head the way they do? I'm not sure. Maybe a combination of too much tv, being an only child, seeking attention, approval...and the list may go on.
Recently at a lunch with friends, our order was being taken. When asked what vegetable that she wanted one of our companions stated "Mixed Veggies please" - As to which I quickly replied "Oh, we don't call them that." "They're 'Blended' Veggies"
Later, that same lunch, we were enlightened that once upon a time this guy ordered his food and a worm was found in his food. EEEWW, was the consensus reply from the table. "What?" he said. "It was just a little worm" - As to which the Dave-O said "Well, two worms had to 'do it' to make that worm" - Now why would I revert back to two worms courting, getting married...leading up to a honey-moon where they conceived our little worm that night?? - Because, YES all of that flashed in my mind as I was saying it!!
Or what about my wife telling me about topical antiseptic....as to which I replied "Well, atleast it is up to date on current events!" - Topical. Get it? On topic? - That's good stuff playas!

Last but not least...I'd like to mentally swim out to the sea of those who find it necessary to use the phrase "nearly drowned"
The NEWS is the worstest at this. - "Parents are relieved that their 3 year old is still alive thanks to the quick thinking of a local paramedic" She (pauses for effect) NEARLY DROWNED at a nearby waterpark....

Excuse me? "Nearly"? So...she....just got wet? Barely swam enough? Struggled with her floating.
Now, I'm not saying that it isn't scary to come close to losing a loved-one by drowning. I'm just saying that nearly drowning is a redundant way of saying that you survived something water-related. If you survived a "water" incident....I have a problem with "nearly"
When you crash in a plane and live, you "survive a plane crash" NOT nearly crashed to death!
Bottom line, if you survive a dramatic water-related incident you STILL survived. You take a shower...nearly drowned. Walk down the road, come a little too close to an old lady's garden...get sprayed by the hose - Nearly drowned. Cause you survived.

I'll let it be now!

Have a nice day!

The 3rd!

Happy Holidays!

The sun called...wants it's temperature back! This HEAT is making me cranky, and old.

The Fam and I were eating out at a catfish place recently and the table next to us had a lady that had QUITE a physical personality. (She was larger folks)- and that's fine. What WASN'T fine was my youngest son Caden thinking it was alright to give her a little slap on the hangy down part of her arm!!
What goes through his mind during these little escapades? "OOH, fun, must touch!" "Soft!"
She just smiled and nodded as if to say ";) happens all the time"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er, hospital, it's payroll day!! What does that mean for the Dave-O? Lets, see if I can paint this eloquently...
We have an accounting department, an HR department, inquisitive employees, and a founding physician that MUST sign off on all checks before disbursement. - I like the word disbursement. It sounds important. I like using it...disbursement! - So you have these 4 entities that must be tied together by a common bond, a bridge, a strand of effort weaving betwixt the complexities of inter-departmental personalities!
Whom to we call upon? - Moi! (Mwa, for the non-bi-lingual)
So, I must be the one to field questions from employees having questions regarding their checks, call HR, call Accounting, run the checks to the OR to have the Dr. sign.
I would NEVER complain about this process.In fact, I don't ever remember complain about anything! Ever! And, I have a faulty memory!!
This brings us to today. Or does it...?....Yes, it does bring us to today. I don't even know what that means!

Today, I had a "gentleman" come to me axing about some retro-blah-blah-blah on his check! Now it wouldn't be important to me except that my boss wanted me to "take care of it" - which means it's not THE most important thing to me!
It wasn't my job function, but since I am capable of getting the job done, THAT'S what qualifies me to own, and solve this problem!
And solve it I did! - But....explaining that it wasn't my fault that the retro was wrong, was no easy task.

However, due to the graphic nature of my thoughts, AND the fact many-a-co-worker reads this blog...("Many" meaning one or two) I will not continue to indulge (or disburse)any negativity and, instead, wish you the best Independence Day and remember:
You are unique...just like EVERYBODY else!!

D. O.

PM What??

Greetings readers!

I really should stop watching tv. I saw a commercial that advertised about P.M.D.D. which is LIKE P.M.S. - ....I'm sorry, huh?!? Now there's ANOTHER one to look out for!
It's not safe to walk out of the house anymore! That's probably the reason for all the celebrities leaving this world. (may they rest in peace)
Fortunately, none of the ladies I know ever come across in a negative manner thereby eluding me to assume that they are on...it..?..that?...

Am I getting THAT old? I walked in a convenient store the other day (probably to get the wife an ICEE....'cause I do that.... ALL the time!) - and the cashier and I had a friendly little chat. I told her that I hadn't seen something since I was in high school. She said "a long time huh?" -
uh...YOU'RE LIKE 50! With smoke freckles and rubber skin! I didn't respond with what little nugget 'cause I'm not mean like that...instead, I write negative things about people! It gets me through the week! :)
I'm only 30. That's only 15 two times....of course it's half of 60...but you only as old as you....dress?...rap?...can't be feel, because medication is not always available!

Oh well, have a wonderful work week old timers! And don't assume that people in bad moods have any sort of syndrome! ('Cause they hate it when you say that!)

Later, Dave

And, you're name's gonna be...??

Hey there Readers,

Confusion is the first step to knowledge, therefore, I am a genius!

There is an Extremely nice lady that cleans the department that I work in every day. Recently she was dusting the top of my desk and accidentally knocked over some trays. I was in the other room but saw it take place. She apologized profusely then began to put the papers back in the tray....Now honey, did you know what order they were in? No - This would be an appropriate opportunity to just dump them in my lap and say "I give up!"

Moving on,
I had to set up a conference call between my boss and two other individuals. As soon as it was time, I called the number and got the first lady on the phone. She said "hang on a second, let me get Josh" - About a minute later, Josh joined us. Josh said "John?" - I said "No, it's David" he said "Oh, sorry, I just got off the phone with a John."
- Here's my question... - If you don't know the name of someone, is the rule just give them the name of the previous person that you were talking too? You don't ask "what is your name?" - If luck would have it that he was talking to a Brandy would he call me Brandy? When he finishes praying and the phone rings, does he say "Amen" - "Hello, Jesus?"

Okay, time to get out of town and take a bus!

Later, Dave

And, what are tires...again?

Readers,

As with the willowing away of tire tread, so goes my patience with the employees designated to work on my vehicle at your local Wal-Mart. Even though I SHOULDN'T complain (because I should learn to do mechanical-type work own-self) I'm-a gonna!

I needed two new front tires. I pulled around to the Wal-Mart Tire/Lube Express area. Parked, and began walking up to the "garage-of-sense-less-beings"
I was greeted by this dude with a puzzled look on his face. He said "Can I help you?" I said "I need to get two tires" - He paused and looked at me for what seemed like a month! Then said "You need us to put 'em on?" ........"Uh....YES!" (Maybe people do only by tires and not have them put on) but I was not thinking in that direction. (And he had a very confused face leading me to believe that he was not open to the concept of OPTIONS!)
Having gotten through to him that I wanted two tires put ON my car, we proceeded to to go through the registration process where he takes my name and such. He asked "front or back?" (Really?) I told him "front" - this booger looked down at the BACK tires and then began typing information on that little thing they type on.
Having completed that, I went in to get a cutting of my hair. The hair cuttist began singing along with a Britney song! I think it was the circus song, not sure. "All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus" - "Don't bother with a song just make it not so long just like a hair cut!"
Then she asked me if I wanted a shampooing. I said "nah" she said (singing) "it's complimentary!" - I said "Okay" she said "I knew that was coming" - I said "I knew it was free, I just don't think that they're through with my tires yet!" - She said "Yeah, it takes them forever to do anything" - Whoa, Wal-Mart wounds it's own team!
Well, they weren't finished and I had to wait. Once ready, I paid, got the key, and commenced to walking to my car. My car was backed in and the driver's side door was closest to me. Now what made me do this is beyond me...but, I walked over to the passenger side door to make sure that the front tires were done (tee hee) GUESS WHAT I SAW? A perfectly new tire - with NO hub-cap!!
I had to walk back to the garage and find someone. I told this old man who said "That's my fault, they didn't see me put it over thar"

I'm just thankful that I noticed and that I got short hair, 4 hubcaps, and another day to blog!

Later, Dave


**Disclaimer** - The views expressed in this here blog are not intended to draw attention to the ignorance of others, but to make fun of the Dave-O and his "Awkward-Waiting-To-Happen" mental status. At no time is it to be assumed that ALL Wal-Mart workers are purposely ignorant. - I am making fun of the way that I take people and how I interpret them as treating me - Anyone that doesn't get that is a complete idiot!!

Have a wonderful day!
(And I'm kidding about the "idiot" comment)

The Great Chicken Truck Wreck of '09

Good day reader(s)

Just as we have seen the dwindling down of the bird flu...another fowl epidemic is upon us. That's right friends - CHICKEN TRUCK TERROR! It's on our highways folks! Dozens of future KFC alumni scattered abroad, senselessly murdered (or dismembered) due to chicken truck accidents. I can't even begin to describe the poultry agony that ensues upon collision. What noise must feather out from the wreckage?
Who came up with the idea to haul these sexy white hens down the road with open cages? How high up the pecking order is he/she? I say we put THEM in a steel Wal-Mart basket and speed it up to about 85mph and just whoosh 'em down the road to scare the poo out of them. - Back to the chickens. (Or, as the English say - "CHECK-EENS")
From now on we should pronounce it that way...just to have a little fun. We must find a way to enable the check-eens to defend themselves. Maybe we could teach them martial arts! - Call it the "Cluck Norris school of Hen Fu" -

It was a typical Monday morning. The weather guy was a fill-in and was flirting with the traffic lady a little much who, atleast, told us that there was an accident and HWY 30 was shut down. We dropped off our oldest son all ready for church camp this week, and then hit the road....only to hit a two-lane-highway-stalled-with-bumper-to-bumper-cars creeping along at 1 mph due to (and this reverts back to the overly flirted with traffic lady) a check-een truck accident. What happened? - Not sure. Slam on the brakes, swerve, flip "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!" splat! Check-eens everywhere! Some dead, others close, some destined to become traffic safety officer hens, that get spots on morning newscasts and get flirted with by the new rooster doing sports! Hypethetically of course! Everyone knows that turkeys make better news personnel!

So there we were, passing on the service road, viewing the bodies. Lined in the ditch. Taps was playing in the background.(http://www.west-point.org/taps/Taps.html)
Then my wife spoke up.."Poor chickens".... Uh,they are traveling to a place that will chop them to death via axe! - Or MADE to lay eggs against their will, which is nothing more than organized prostitution!
Now, the survivors just have whiplash and a pending law-suit. The victims (affectionately known as chicktims :) never saw it coming. They are feeling no pain in the great Pilgrim's Pride truck in the sky - Can I get an amen!? No? How 'bout a thigh?

Let's make it a good day! - You never know when the truck that's hauling you around in will kick the bucket!

The Dave-Ography

Hey readers,

If I ever get around to writing my autobiography (which is silly because I know NOTHING about cars) - I think that the chapter headings may read something like...

Chapter 1 - Hi. I'm Dave and I have an awkward meter

Chapter 2 - Hutchins Baptist School (fighting, A-Honor Roll, walking home after
school)

Chapter 3 - Wills Point ISD (avoiding all contact with strange humans, afraid for
life on bus ride home, Honor Roll?)

Chapter 4 - The Legend of Mabank TX

Chapter 5 - Backyard Volleyball

Chapter 6 - Southern Gospel Music?....What the heck is that?

Chapter 7 - The Ballad of Shawn Kirk (he used to dip and cuss)

Chapter 8 - Church members for 9 months then leave. (Isn't that normal?)

Chapter 9 - Baylor University Medical Center Dallas
1. 7p - 7a
2. Tony and Albert
3. 20 Transports in one night
4. The Helipad
5. 5 CPRs (no one made it)
6. Severed Foot - Fell asleep on railroad track) "No one falls
asleep, they PASS OUT on a railroad track!"

Chapter 10 - I want a blonde, 18 year old girl to marry

Chatper 11 - Andrea Kay Dougherty

Chapter 12 - Bankruptcy! - kidding! (Chapter 11...? Get it?)

Chapter 13 - Fairfield TX

Chapter 14 - Debt Consolidation! - kidding...well, not really.

Chapter 15 - The Medical Center @ Terrell
1. Hetty Smith
2. The File Room
3. "Hold your Breath, Hold it!!!"
4. That Boy Thar
5. Towne Home

Chapter 16 - Moving back home

Chapter 17 - Crystal River, Potter's Clay, Sweet Spirit

Chapter 18 - The Medical Center of Mesquite
1. Mesquitians
2. 30 transports in one day
3. Employee of the Quarter and how I had to bribe to get it!
4. What do you mean "no call, no show?"

Chapter 19 - Greenville TX

Chapter 20- Drew Alexander Smith

Chapter 21- The only truck I've bought...twice!

Chapter 22- The Harmony Quartet

Chapter 23- Caden Lane Smith

Chapter 24- "MY Day"

Chapter 25- Per-Se' Technologies
1. Betty Wrinkle
2. Katrina, my Only African American friend (at the time)
3. $20,000.00 Embezzlement?....wow!
4. Group Leader Fiasco
5. Halloween Party
6. Special Friends Newsletter
7. The loss of Justin

Chapter 26- Vista Hospital of Dallas
1. Central Supply Director
2. You can order it....you're not going to get it though!
2. Business Office/Admitting Director
3. Can I PLEASE get PBX coverage?
4. Is her DOG up here? Is there an IV pole in there?
5. Did I just get fired?


Chapter 27- Forest Park Medical Center
1. This is the greatest place to work EVER!!
2. Milliman Building (Millenium as 80% of the population call it)
3. Charge Committee
4. Jerry Walters ("Dude, we're never going to work there!")

Chapter 28 - Pops is on the roof again!

Chapter 29 - Dude, where's my truck?

Chapter 30- Inheritance? Bwa ha ha ha

Chapter 31 - I'm offended that you're offended!

Chapter 32 - You want me to Blog? Seriously?

Chapter 33 - Being Racist is not the same as being Prejudice! And other theories
guaranteed to get me stabbed!

Chapter 34 - You're Face!

Chapter 35 - I like transposing from this key to the next by hitting the 3 minor, half step down, then 2 minor chord, 4 over 5 stance, arpeggio.... - You don't know what that means? - Well, cut me a break for not being able to read directions and getting lost all the time. - You have to go to Ft. Worth to get anywhere!!

Chapter 36 - Dr. Pepper is Heaven juice!

Chapter 37 - Facebook is Crack!!

Chapter 38 - Wow this is a long book.

Chapter 39 - I've left out so as to have another book!!

THE END! - I can't WAIT to read this book!

Do You Like.......?

Have you ever received a random e-mail or text from someone that you know pretty well and it catches you off guard?
Out of the blue one of my co-workers e-mailed me this in the middle of a conversation.
Coworker: "Thanks for your help"
Me: "No problem"
Coworker: "Do you like sausage balls?"
Me: "............Random. But yeah, I guess...?"

Then she explained the reasoning behing the question. She was going to have her mother make some and then bring up to work. - Maybe THAT should have been the opening line!

Another came from my tenor singer. I mean this was out of the freakin' BLUE!
Text: Do you like turnips? - First of all NO! Who does? Second, give me the bottom line first. Tell me that you've recently...cropped?...Farmed?....dug up turnips and you are giving them away. Don't open with your random queries that all seem to deal with food!

I woke up one morning to the sound of the weatherman on the tv. Not ON the tv but, well, you get it! Anyway, he was so enthusiastic about the "high" today that I just wonder if the people up north, where they have "real" winters, must laugh their face off that we get 1/2 an inch of snow and SHUT THE STATE DOWN! Or it's LEVEL ORANGE today. Is that the ozone alert or are we under a terror alert?!

Moving on, whilst driving to work, that same morning, I noticed two ornaments hanging from the bumper of a truck. One was a horseshoe. Somewhere there is a horse with an uneccesary limp!
The other item was an oversized (I ASSUME they were oversized) pair of testicles! Somewhere there is a giant with a very high voice!
Also, that very same morning, I was listening to the traffic report (why? - because I drifted off in thought and wasn't paying attention) - I never care to know the status of traffic. I prefer to be surprised by a sea of tail-lights out of nowhere! Well, the traffic announcer said that there was a "fender bender".....is this the best they got? If you choose to stray from "accident" and insert a clever rhyming description, does is have to be the same one? How about "Bumper Thumper" - "Spoiler Boiler" - "Trunk Bump" - "Vehicle Pickle" ? Just to keep my attention.

To cap this drive to work off, I pulled in to a fast food joint drive thru for a breakfast treat (I feel as if I deserve it after putting up with the world and her weird ways) - I placed my order, pulled forward as instructed, and she gave me my total. I handed her my card then she swiped it on the OUTSIDE swipe thingy. But she gave me this look like: "(SIGH) There is a credit card machine on the outside of the building sir. Do I really have to process this for you??? - I felt so judged. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm used to handing it to the person. I never know if they are working. What if I swipe and it's broke, then they have to tell me "Oh no, I have to do it"? I don't want that kind of confrontation - I just want my breakfast burrito "bleep!"

Have a wonderful day and be careful driving, so you don't have a jam-ka-bob!....No good?

Dave

"Was that audible?"

What is going on in the world? With me? - Well I went down to Fairfled Texas last weekend. The "Land of A Thousand Naps" - the weather was fabulous. I had two concerts. The first started at 11:00am Sunday morning. There were about 90 people there. 89 were happy to see (better translated hear) us. I plucked out the intro on the keyboard for the first song and we sang all the way through. I played the intro to the second and we started singing right on through.....UNTIL, the tenor finished his solo verse, where he happens to hit (and hold) a high note. I hear billowing out from the audience a 115 year old man saying "GUYS, GUYS, HEY, HEY, HEY NOW." "You gonna have to turn it down!" "I thought I was deaf when I walked in here, but clearly I'm not" [Isn't he most fortunate that we don't charge for healings?!;)]
The pastor had to get up, walk over to him, advise his departure! Four ladies, at the same time piped up to us "You guys just keep-a goin!" - And so we did! And so he left! And then we ate!

That afternoon, we spent the day at Andrea's aunt's house. 42 was played. Stories were shared. I introduced myself to the backporch swing and rocked in the beautiful weather while the kids took turns pushing each other in (and out of) the tree swing all-the-while laughing to myself at getting screamed at during church earlier that morning.

During a car ride featuring me, Andrea, and Caden, Andrea noticed an unpleasant smell in the car.
She then said "Caden, did you toot?" - he responded with "No..............Now I did!"

Ahh, the innocent young honest response of a future blogger!
Later Peeps!

If Necessary??

Hello you!
I was at work changing out the toner in our wonderful copy/fax/printer/scanner/stapler/machine and I was wondering what to do with the empty trash toner. I noticed on the box that it said "If toner is swallowed, dilute by drinking a large amount of water. Consult a doctor if necessary." - I would like to dissect "Consult a doctor if necessary" - Does that mean "If it's necessary, THEN call a doctor?" Because, wouldn't you do that anyway? Or, does it mean "If you need a doctor, THEN consult?" In that case, if you knew that you needed a doctor....what would be the purpose of not consulting? Perhaps you like the taste of toner. The magenta really goes with swiss cheese and bread. Maybe it takes the stain of your teeth. Maybe you are trying to commit inkicide!
There are numerous reasons to avoid medical attention, but are there any reasons to print redundant things on packages? - Ah yes, lawsuits! They make it mandatory for us to put un-necessary things on things that prevent us from suing because - OOPS I accidentlly had a shot of toner and NOBODY told me that it may result in the necessity of a doctor AND that I should call just in case of consumption!!
Or, OOPS this coffee I just ordered is hot! Ice is cold! and so forth.
What if we took it a few steps further?
Caution: Don't jump off this mountain.
And, if it happened, pretty sure this is what the court reporter would dictate at the hearing:
"Upon notice of said mountain and the ensuing drop that would take place upon jumping forth hereby removing their person from the existing gravity and letting the newly chosen gravity to accept them and retract their being southward duely in the head-first position, at much speed to the earth, the plaintiff, now dead, being represented by family, still alive, wishes to press suit against the state, said owner of mountain. Wherewithal noting that the sign said "don't" and not "you'd better not" and "jump" instead of "leap" - the plaintiff, still dead, being represented by family, by marriage, would like to institute that, though they better not leap...the lept, henceforth and forevermore hereafter separating their limbs from the original placement and smashing the head that read the mal-formed sign, causing sudden, immediate death, as well as brief mental anguish, knowing that, once landed, the plaintiff, yes dead, represented by family, well, a cousin-in-law with nothing to do thinking they are in the will, would be made a spectacle of in this court, hence makes notice that said sign seems silly sitting so solemnly surrounded on a mountain when they should obviously place it at the spot where the plaintiff, now as flat as a 7 hour-old pancake ran over by a semi on the highway during a hot July day, is now buried. Therebywithalhenceforthness symbolizing that this is what happens if you jump.

Suit amount - Three Ka-Zillion dollars and South America!

Warning: Don't Read This Blog, or drink toner!

Later,

Magenta

Let's Shake On It!

Hey again.
I am sitting here after hours at work waiting to go to quartet practice. Random thoughts pop in my head. What to do?? - I'll share with the reading audience!

Did you know that, before an automobile passes one of many inspections, the speedometer has to prove that it can reach it's highest number? If it says 100mph...while they have it on the lift it will be sped up until that number is reached.
What other things must go through this rigorious torture I wonder.... - TOOTHBRUSHES? Wrap yourself around this one. - In order for them to avoid "false-advertisement lawsuits" the maker(s) of toothbrushes HAVE to test them don't they? Can't just assume that the little bristles will do the job now can they? I'm sure that your t-brush is an A.B.M. Toothbrush (Already Been in Mouth!)

You want to know what hacks me off? - Probably not, but you got nothing else to do right now obviously, so you might as well humor me. - The "Meet and Greet" during a church service.
Who came up with this? - You arrive. Greet people. Go to Sunday School. Talk to people before class starts. Go to big church. Talk to people before service. The service starts and, about the second song "Let's all stand and greet someone you haven't greeted." - Half of the crowd does what? - Turns right around and shakes the person's hand sitting behind them all-the-while rolling their eyes because just 3 and a half minutes earlier THEY SHOOK THE SAME HAND! Another section (mostly elderly) just sits there (which is fine) because they are too tired to go around shaking people's hand. Then, there are the "Fly-around-the-church trying to set some kind of record for most people they can talk to before a song is finished people" - THOSE are the ones you are waiting for when the song-leader says "let's return to our seats"
But, you told us, not 40 seconds ago, to leave and go where someone else is. Make up your mind. If I left my seat to go see you, and you left your seat to go see brother Joe, and brother Joe went to go see sister Betty, and we ALL know that Betty ain't gettin' up for nobody 'cause it's too cold anyway and she's wrapped in a blanket that you know got stolen off the set of Little House On The Prairie, we end up walking around the auditorium never greeting anyone anyway! THAT is why I'm a piano player. So I can just miss all that mess and play. And, by the by, NOBODY ever comes to visit the piano player during that silly time of chaotic-momentary-memory-loss-that-we-JUST-spoke-to-each-other! Which we so affectionately call the "Welcome Time" - Welcome to what? Back to the aisle we were just standing in discussing how windy it's been. I've been at church nearly two hours at this point. If I wanted to talk to them by now.....I would have shook their hand BEFORE service started. Or (I don't know, call me a goober) - AFTER the service! Or maybe, I would drag them down to the altar during the invitation to pray for people who like having welcome time, which is probably just another way to sneak a quick choir practice in right in front of you.
Instead...just have all the first-time visitors walk up to the front and let us give them some big-ole' applause for visiting with us today - Now, RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!

Later, Dave

LOL = Little Old Lady

Hi there. Today's post is brought to you by a left-brained, harmless nut, aching for attention (and comments) from his peeps.
Ah, it's April and it's just a little too windy to say spring is here. The ground is wet enough to limit my lawn-scaping career to "next weekend". I WANT A FREAKIN' DRAUGHT WITH NO WIND. That's it, - we're moving to Texas Stadium 'til they tear it down.

On my way in to work recently, I noticed a sign that said "It's Workzone Awareness Week." - Are we not to give a turkey about the orange-clothed guys and gals (I think she was a gal...she could sure handle a backhoe!) during the rest of the year? I was expecting next weeks' sign to say "Okay, resume not paying attention anymore and keep on speeding through like you are all alone on a highway going through New Mexico with no rest-stops for three hours!"
Later, that same day on the way home, **Wait** - let me set this up a little...
One thing that always makes me nervous is the elderly driving. Not only is there vision and hearing not at it's best, but there are idiots that CUT in front of people no matter who you are. Young people (like me)'s reaction time is bad enough, but to cut in front of someone that is half a step behind is ridiculous.
A second thing that bothers me is texting while you drive. Yes, I do it. Yes I BOTHER ME! You never know when someone hits the brakes unexpectedly. You glance down to read, reply, check Facebook, or the latest blog entry of the Dave-O Today, and BLAMO! You hit someone in a workzone. "But officer, I had no idea that I was supposed to be aware this week." "Tell it to the judge son!"
Later, that same day on the way home, I looked over and saw - an old lady, TEXTING! - W.I.G.O.? (What is going on?)(see if it catches on) I almost wanted her to plow into someone to teach her a lesson for being old, using a cell phone, driving - all at the same time as if to toy with my sensitive emotions, and to basically make fun of everything I stand behind concerning highway transportation safety! - Then again, I DO have something to blog about. So, HA HA Granny!! How do you like them prunes?

My oldest son comes up with questions out of nowhere. I swear he makes a list and just waits for an opening. Like:...(The following is an Actual conversation)

Drew: "Dad, is it raining?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "OUTSIDE?"
Dad: "....Yes"
Drew: "Does the mail deliver in the rain?"
Dad: "Yes"
Drew: "Do spiders swim?"
Dad: "Some"
Drew: "Would a spider catch you if it chased you"
Dad: "NO, I make it a point to outrun ANY preditor chasing me!"
Drew: "What about a bull?" "It will charge you."
Dad: "What kind of interest rate?"
Drew: "......That don't make no sense."
Dad: "You're face don't make no sense."
Drew: (sound of walking away)
Dad: (smiling victoriously)


Not nice folks. But necessary!

Later, Dave

Prayers of the Time

Good day. Sorry for the long absence.

Have you ever wondered how your prayer changes through the years? For those of us that do pray, that is.
First, the One you are praying to is key. Just for the record, my prayers are always to God and nobody/nothing else.

There are the routine ones that span the ages such as "bless me" "forgive me" and so forth. The "healing ones" (depending on whom is requiring) sick aunt, or ten different people having babies around the same time....;)

The prayer of Salvation taking premise above all. I have had the privilege of hearing my own, as well as my son's prayer of salvation.

Then, there are the important at the moment but will soon have no reason to exist ones.
When I was in Junior High I would pray that my dad would pick me up from school on Friday's so that I would not have to ride the bus. The bus was NOT a pleasant place for the Dave-O. In high school I would pray that I would cross paths with the girl that I would have a crush on that week but not have the courage to just walk up to and start a conversation........."Hi, I'm David." "Want to see my blog?" (Sound of slapping)
I prayed that the woman that I was to marry would be blonde, 18, and liked southern gospel. - Well done God! She's still blonde! Southern gospel? Not so much thanks to some buy named Buble'
I've prayed for various jobs and got over 90% of them.
It's funny, I will pray to wake up earlier to spend time with Him - I will without fail wake up as wide eyed as could be. The morning after that one? - You can FORGET about it. The first day is a gift, you have to work for the rest.
I've prayed to die at different times of my life. WHOA! That's deep Dave-O. It was just a "I'm ready to see You now kind of request"
I've prayed for popularity, wit, wisdom, patience (mistake), joy, happiness, humilty, death of all snakes, to play piano full time, to be able to dunk a basketball (on a ten foot rim), a brother, money, patience (mistake again) the ability to travel back in time with the knowledge I currenlty possess...

As age progresses I've noticed the changes. I've prayed for people not to show up where I've worked. I've prayed for traffic to be smooth so that there is no delay in an employee showing up for work and not destroying my day. I've prayed for trees to grow in my yard. Various marital, children, religious, professional, health issues.

The thing that I notice at this point are the things in which I have not prayed for.
I need to pray that people know how to take me, and to understand when I am joking. I need to pray for a closer relationship with those that should already have one with me, but because of their own upbringing, don't have it in them to initiate one with me. Or wisdom FOR others.

You know in the Bible in the book of Job where God has a conversation with Satan regarding Job's well-being and Satan pointed out that Job had a hedge of protection around him? - Well I've prayed for a hedge of protection around many things. Family, friends, and, more recently, I began praying for a hedge of protection around my car and truck. This eliminates accidents and mechanical problems!!

In closing, my suggestion, to all 3 or 4 of my readers is, that you would pray for the ability to see others' hearts. To hear what they are saying, despite the tone, and to feel what they are going through. Realize where they've been. To put so much of yourself aside that you have no choice but to place others before yourself.
And realize that I am praying for you everyday.

Now, I'm off to my concert wishing everyone a pleasant day!

Dave

Short and sweet.

Hello, as I sat in my truck waiting for the mechanics to change the oil, I wondered why the guilt trip attitude...
"Sir, it's been a while since you've had your truck maintenanced" or "You need better wiper blades" .... I know this! Is there some reason that you must be so redundant with everything that flies from your greasy face?? Sounds a little bitter. That's because of how much they charge... - What? Why don't I change my own oil? - "Hi, I'm David." "Have we met?"
Moving on, Everybody be having babies lately. Sister in law, Best friend, guy that used to be in quartet with me, Cousin, Friends we used to go to church with..... - all due within about 8 months of each other. Was last year THAT good of a year? Oh well. Congrats to all. I'm sure you'll make wonderful parents.

Stay tuned for a blog on prayers.....

Dave

Breaker 1 - 9.....

Greetings o' sane ones!
I work in a brand new hospital. It's 2009. I have an iPhone. Someone in Korea could read this blog if they choose to do so. Yet, with all of this technology, I find it amusing that one of my main tools of communication recently has been a walkie talkie.
Our phones were just now installed today. So, for the past week or so, the receptionist and I use our handheld-interference-grabbing little terrors to keep the flow of visitors at bay. We don't want anyone wandering around that is not supposed to be there. We also don't want any physicians, or other guests to go very long without being attended to. So, as soon as any blessed soul strolls through our double-automatic-state-of-the-art doors, they are greeted by our receptionist who then.....calls?..pages?..walkies?..me and says "I have so and so from someplace here to see somebody" (except she gets the names right)
So I then...relay?...radio?...talkie?..back and say "okay", then I call the appropriate person and tell them to go to the front. It sounds easy enough. But I found out that it's not a task for the faint-minded.- or anyone without patience....
There I sit in Administration where 3 different physicians are walking through our department getting tours, answering every command of the boss (which I consider a privilege) and filtering other traffic, the little smokey and the bandit symbol goes off! (***"I have czytlr with brzaxter to see phylllt***) - "You have who, from where, to see who?"
I'm sometimes across the room and don't here it and have to run over and ask her to repeat it. Usually a few seconds go by from the first initially misunderstood page and me reaching for it to ask for clarification. So, by the time I pick it up to mash the little button to talk, she pages again - "Hello, is anyone there" - at the same time I'm saying "Who is here?" So it's nothing but silence on both ends save for the last few words spoken by the person who said more. There are others in the hospital that are SUPPOSED to be on different frequencies. But we had "visitors" on the other end a couple of times. For 5 minutes, today, I was in the middle of an OnStar conversation!!
Whenever I have to go off campus to our other offices of lunch I pass it on to whomever is available (and that I trust can handle it.) By the time I get back, whether 30 minutes or an hour and a half, they are at the receptionist's table with the operator breathing heavy, slouching and outstretching their hand hardly waiting to give it back to me as I perambulate through the doors! Now that the phones are ready I can give it the proper burial!!

Birthday parties are fun aren't they? 8 year olds everywhere. Cake. Bowling. Beer. - Uh, beer? Yeah, that's right. The Dave-O was offered a beer at his son's friend's birthday party last week. That normal? Did I take it? That'll be a negative ghost rider! I think there is a redneck joke in there somewhere though!

Monday's are usually devoted to quartet practice night. The last one we had our baritone had informed us, well before we began, that he may not be able to sing due to sickness and sore throat. But, like a trooper, he showed up anyway. But, before he got to the church, he called and said that he's going to be a little late due to traffic. Duane (bass singer) took the call and told him not to talk. He said "snap once for yes" "Twice for no" - I quickly chimed in "Three times for 'I can't snap'"

My wife's aunt is a dispatcher and radios to the authorities/medical personnel whenever emergencies arrive. Recently, while at home, she had to call the ambulance. - Would have been convenient had she been on shift at the time. - Breaker 1 - 9 we have a 1041 in the Johnson home, then come on back and get me 'cause I don't feel well?" - Which would probably interfere with my walkie talkies and get me on the other end saying "You have who, from where, to see who....?".......

Later! Dave

If You're Happy and You Know It...you must be me!

What a privilege it must be for for you that I blog two days in a row! Though I only have 3 readers...
Let's start off with someone I'm sure we've all encountered. The "Curser of Cubicles" the "Destroyer of Desktop Destinies" the "Prowler of Puckering Plentiness" - The Office Whistler!
Why does ANYBODY whistle for fun? What effort...what...what...noise!!
Located nearby, and ya gotta love the guy for his personality, is someone who INSISTS on whistling as soon as the office gets quiet. It's out of nowhere. The silent hum of the fan, the rustling of the paper on the printer, THEN it's like an Andy Griffith telethon is playing full blast in the next room!! For Heaven's sake, get that guy an ipod!

Let's go over just what exactly it is that I do now. (Cause I know you're just itching know) - or, maybe it's just allergies.
Anyway, I'm the Executive Administrative Assistant at a brand new hospital. My boss is the CEO/CNO/Administrator/Dali-Lama/Grand Pu-Bah!! When she says "jump" I say "Can you see the bottom of my shoes from here?"
Absolutely love my boss. My job is to be near her in case she needs..well, anything. From important items, to "get me two hazelnut coffee creamers" "and git sum four yurself, case we need sum for later" - Yeah, she's from Louisiana. But what she lacks in a Texas accent she makes up for in leadership skills.
My role to the hospital is to filter the people that need to see her. My reason for existence in employment stems from the fact that I can take 5 different 30 minute conversations and have it with her in about 3-6 minutes. The idea is for staff to come to me, explain what they need, and for me to ask her in bulk. Get the response and channel back to them. This works well if used correctly. As Mr. Miyagi says "If do right, no can defend!"
And, I'm proud of the majority that have embraced these rules and walk up to me first and say "I need to meet with her" or "Can you ask her about this?" - There are the few stubborn that have their struggles with it.......we'll pray for those!
I'm the rotweiller that makes you beg for mercy to see the master....actually just a pesky chihuahua,but I'll nip the fire out of your ankles if you get too close! I also help the Assistant Administrator. Who is from London and talks REALLY NEAT! Spot of tea, and all that nonsense!
It's also great to work about 30 feet from my wife. How we make this work I have no idea! But we do.

It's a good life. You're a good audience. I feel like whistling...no, not really!

Later, Dave-O

February Madness...

Hey there!
What is it with a trip to Wal-Mart for the annual hair cut that brings out the blogger in me? What possesed the east-texas product to talk to me all the while whizzing the shears around my head? She offers "You have pretty hair" - Okay...Stop it right there!
THEN - she says "Dad used to have hair like this...........but now he doesn't have any"
Now, I'm thinking "did he die, or just go bald?" Silence was the wise choice! AND DON'T SAY "DAD" LIKE HE'S MY DAD TOO!

Remember when McDonald's went through an overhaul years ago? Now, they have the big, indoor playground. A "resaurant-like" atmosphere.
I think it's time that Dairy Queen does the same thing! First...put one in Greenville! Next, upgrade the inside. And, third (and most important) STOP flippin' the stinkin' blizzards upside down right before you serve them to me! You scare me to death EVERY time!
So, the wife and I take a Gilligan's Island-lengthed car ride (3 hours) to Oklahoma this past weekend for my best friend's 30th birthday. I witnessed a college girls' basketball game. They REALLY get into those things. We don't sit until the first basket is made by OU. The cheerleaders came up to our seats during half-time to give the birthday boy a surprise visit and let pictures be made with them. Which, I'm pretty sure that was the first time he has been that close to any cheerleaders! Sorry Shawn, but I went to high school with you! Kidding...no, not really. We were losers! So...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
What is it with Oklahoma drivers thinking that they can just cut in front of you no matter what speed you are going? What, you think 'cause you got a panhandle too that you own the road? Well, you can just detach and move to Florida if that's the way you're gonna be!...But I digest.
So, we made it back.
Trying to create a routine of working out,(a routine being - more than once a week) I was doing some sit-ups in the living room when my 5 yr old Caden walked around the corner. He spouted "Hey, nice exercises you got there!" Then he pounced down and began to do the elusive sit-ups at three times the speed I was going! What a show-off! That made me upset enough to drive to the nearest Dairy Queen - but it's TOO Stinkin' far away!!

Good day friends.

Best Blog Ever

As I was cleaning the house, listening to the ole MP3 player, dancin' around, singing along, my son walks up to me and gives me a look of "Dad, I need to tell you something" - so, I kneel down, take off the earpieces and say "What is it"?
He replies "Dad, you're the best dad ever." Now, obviously I'm the only dad he'll ever have so the bar is not set so high! But, atleast he was comfortable enough to tell me. That got me to thinking just how blessed I am.
I was recently given an opinion regarding marriage from someone not married and not planning on it. He said to me "Hey, I can go out with a different woman every night, do whatever I want, say whatever I want, with no tie-downs." He eluded to the fact that he thought I (married people) was trapped, had too many boundries, and would never be free. - Well, seems to me that he is living a self-induced goal of rebelling against his mother, trying to find happiness in being a "man-about-the-town."
I just celebrated my ten year anniversay to the "best wife ever" (stole that from the kid)
I am not pursuing a life of happiness, but happiness continues to find me. I have her to thank for that. Happy Valentine's Day, by the way!
I have a boss that qualifies as the "best boss ever"
She had the audacity to give God all the credit for the good news that she shared with us. My kind of boss!

Moving on, I am growing weary of trying to keep my profile updated on multiple networks. Facebook, Myspace, this Blog. We need to combine or something. Call it MyFaceToday! Or BookSpace-O!

Well, I'm gonna go now, but will return with my usual left-brained take on life and the incidences that cross my path.

Later, Dave

The little Darling

Hey there,
Wednesday night the wife and I babysat my neice Baby Abby. She's 3 1/2 months old.
We picked her up from her mom (Jill) at church, 'cause that's where she works. - Jill, not the Baby Abby!
Anyway, the Baby Abby was asleep and was placed in her car seat and buckled in ;)
I kept looking back there every minute or so to see if I could detect movement or any unexpected fluid portruding out of her mouth-al area. Everytime I looked her little eyes were closed. - UNTIL...we got about 14 minutes down the road and I looked back and saw, in that little mirror thing strategically place on the headrest of the backseat facing the car-seat showing her great big-ole pretty eyeballs just-a lookin' around.
"What do we do"? I pondered to myself. Andrea was driving and we pulled into a KFC drive-thru. It was at the point of ordering that she decided to start crying. (The Baby Abby, not Andrea) So the cashier-order-taker-person had to hear little Baby Abby's displeasure of being in the backseat ALL ALONE. It was at that point that I decided to jump back there like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Diaper, (I almost went with the Temple of Doo Doo!)and show her my face. - She cried even more! But I started to work some magic with the well-placed car-seat toys. And with some tapping of my fingers, funny voices, and an iPhone she calmed down and even smiled a bit.
Once we got home she was great! She ate and then let us take turns holding her and trying to get her to smile. (Which she did a lot of) Actually, Andrea held her a lot more than me. It came time for her bath and I waited patiently in the living room watching my beloved Mavs. (And, because I have issues with other people and bath tubs....we won't go there at this particular junction. May ruin the weekend!)
Once bathtime with the little Baby Abby was over, (You tired of me using "the baby Abby" aren't you?) "Just call her Abby" you're probably screaming!
- I wanted some pictures with me holding her. She was just a tad fussy, probably thinking about the backseat abandonement earlier in the day, so I gave the camera to the wife, held her in front of me and walked her to the bathroom to show her herself in the mirror. I walked back to the living room and from the time it took me to take 11 steps....she fell asleep! Oh well. We had a fun time nonetheless. OH! I just thought of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Burpcloth! - Nah.
I heard her only once in the middle of the night. I briefly thought about yelling out my new secret technique of putting her to sleep = bath + short walk to bathroom to glance at self in mirror before returning to living room. But I didn't.

Later friends, family, former co-workers still reading this thing!

Dave

(How about Indiana Jones and the Last Cool-Aid? (Give it up Dave)

Haaawwnnkk!!

Okay, so I got busy!
How's it flappin? Me? All is well.
Took Drew (8yr old) to see the Harlem Globetrotters this Saturday. Entertaining. Drew especially got a kick out of the "tooting" sequence. It was a football play. It's too confusing to explain. We were on the third row on the floor so we could read the name brand on their socks!
After the two-hour display of athleticism I never had, we just HAD to go to McDonalds in a neighborhood I did NOT feel safe in. Then, headed to Audubon Park Baptist Church to set sound and get ready for a concert I had. (And to pray thanking God that we didn't get knifed!)
We had invited The First Voice Quartet to be featured as well. A good time was had by all (I guess). Nobody threw anything at us! We went to eat at Cracker Barrel, got home close to 11p and went to sleep.
The next morning, went to church where I noticed February misspelled twice on the overhead power-point. TWO different ways! Febuary, and Februay! Ah, the country!
I guess it doesn't matter if you can spell as long as you're not going to burn in Hell for eternity!! - Wow, you see that one coming?
Moving on, let's talk about car horns. What year is it? Must they STILL sound like an alien abducted a buffalo and is screaming for help?? "Haaawnkk!" It's one of the most annoying sounds under the sun. (I went Ecclesi' on ya)*
Why not make 'em actually say stuff.
Guy pulls out in front of ya - "HEEEYY!" or "MOOOVE!" or "GOOOO!"
Or maybe put a little flair. "Oh, no you di-in't!" "Boy, I will slap you!"
Or - "Get yo' sick, sad Pinto out of tha way 'afore I ram it with my truck...yeah it's gota a Hemi...and I'll stick this bumper so far up your trunk that everytime you turn your blinker on my six-disk-cd changer will start randomly playing music by people that also drive big cars that will run you over should you so choose to PULL OUT IN FRONT OF THEM LIKE YOU JUST DID TO ME!!"
......Maybe we'll leave it at "beep"!
Another little of life's ironic happenings crossed my path while reading in the bathroom......too much info.? Sorry, but a recent fact that I've discovered is that the iPhone makes your poo's an average of ten minutes longer. There's just soo much stuff to browse on that little devil!
Anyway, I noticed that, recently in Illonois, a plagerism policy that had been written was apparently .....PLAGERIZED from a previous location. - Good going.

*Ecclesi is a biblical reference to the book of Ecclesiates where it uses the phrase "Under the Sun" a lot. (This is a teaching blog)

Later, let me see if I can post these pictures correctly!

(is that better?)

Dave-O

And ssso it begins!

There once was a guy named Ray
Who had a little too much to say
When trying to help at work
He wound up being a jerk
That's what I'll speak on today...

Okay, his name is not Ray, but, whatever!

Question. If you know very little about someone's belief, do you honestly think you can speak as an expert on the subject? An amateur?
I don't speak Spanish very well. So....I will not interrupt a conversation between two people speaking the language and tell them how they ought to speak.
If I did speak Spanish...I guess that would yield to me a certain right if they were in the wrong.
As a male, I couldn't tell a woman how to give birth. Even a male OBGYN couldn't effectively tell a woman how to respond to that kind of situation.
If you don't believe in God, can you tell a Christian that they are wrong for not acting more like a Christian? Don't get me wrong, if a person proclaiming to be a Christian is doing something or(several things) wrong, they need to be corrected.
But what makes them wrong in the first place? Well, the bible simply says so. So the bible needs to be read by that person. Or a person with a strong knowledge certainly has the right to intervene. Not someone quoting the age old "you're supposed to be a Christian" that has very little experience in such things. You wouldn't want a janitor doing heart surgery on you.
What if someone believes in God, but doesn't go to church very often, hardly ever prays, and never acts like a Christian? - Can they tell a Christian that they are wrong for anything? They can say - "you hurt me." or "I don't like the way you act." That's perfectly fine because you are not trying speak a foreign language that don't know!

And, here's the kicker, what if, I mean, is it possible, that you were offended at something that was actually GOOD for you? What if the something that happened was going to happen but not for a long time and would happen in a worse way making you look worse and you're just being a baby?!

Let me bottom line it a couple of times.
If someone goes behind your back, that means they'll go behind the back of the one they are going to behind your back. The bible is very exact on that kind of person - and a Christian knows better. So, if a Christian does this it's an issue that he/she needs to deal with (that's right) God about. They need to pray, realize what they've done, repent and respect the wishes of those they've offended.
By the way, do you honestly think that someone that tells you what someone said behind your back told you EVERYTHING? Of course not! Your assumptions are wasted. You know 1/4 of the story - I PROMISE.
What's done is done.
I'm 30. Not the first time/last time I'm going to deal with this. You's either. (yes, you's)
Imagine the alternative....the weight still on the shoulders, the awkwardness, the unknown. Replaced with bitterness that will dissolve, everyone in agreement about one person, and the newfound prospect of "I wonder what was really said" - If you're not doubting at this point, then the shortsighted train has stopped at your station.
You think it would have been better had nothing been said? Well keep dreamin' lollipop.

For the rest of you. - I'll return with something more entertaining tomorrow! (And you know who will be reading as well)


There once was a guy named Dave
Who tried his best to behave
Who's fault it was that he spoke
And hearts he surely has broke
But for their best, for their best, he was brave

Later, Dave

Reap....Sow....Wal-Mart.

Greetings. I'm coming to you live from my wonderful recliner that vibrates (or "shakes") as my son says. The reason that it's the middle of the day and I'm not at my place of employment is because "my employment" no longer exists. Atleast not for another 60-something hours.
That's right, yesterday was my last day at Desperate Office Wives! I'm gonna miss the "educational conferences" that we had. That's when they would turn and say something inapproptiate to me about their personal lives. (Oh, you know I loved it!) I guess I should be thankful that they were comfortable with me. Could have been a lot worse. Let me recap my 6 week tenure. 1 week of minimally productive work marred by personal conversations, laughter, and food! - Hey, it was the holidays....and I started most of it! Followed by 5 weeks of awkward tension due to saying too much in one area and not enough in another. It was quiet at times. Too quiet. Rumors abound. Names (that's right) names tossed around with little stories attached to them would erupt albeit silently and cleverly timed as one or more exited the room. The true feelings from one to others and others to one was discovered. Complaints about not being able to say anything because it would "do no good" was heard. A plan or two hatched to refocus the office stucture. It's not 1 against many or many against 1. It's 1 against many against another 1 that have no clue about a third 1. And maybe a pair, and another three over here. Heroes on both sides. There was an old man with a young girlfriend, and when he spoke....I would lose IQ digits.
Or, I'm making all of that up. Which is likely, because I used to watch Days Of Our Lives on DVR! Let's chalk it up to a wild imagination and wish them the best. I made good friends there and will always be there for all of them. Just not one to twelve feet for 8 hours a day!
Here's to a good year Burt, Ernie, Big-Bird-Britney, whatever that "dog's" name was, and the truckstop queen! Oscar the Groutch says "Peace!" And whatever you reap, you will sow. If you speak ill.....you won't win. For Heaven's sake be quiet about your feelings. Unless you are confronting the one (or ones) that it has to do with. Use Bambi's mama's rule if you have to. Be patient and if you're indeed a "big girl" the test is now.
Moving on...
I will be working for a brand new hospital starting Monday morning. I believe my experience in working in the ER, Radiology, Med-Surg, Central Supply, Billing, and Admitting has afforded the experience to do this job well. And, my boss has A.D.D. which I speak fluently!! Working with some old characters and brand new dramatic specimens promises to give me material for months to come!
As a quartet pianist, it's important for me to have.....uh...bookings! So I've made some recent attempts to reach some contacts of mine to see if I could get in my church. I asked my aunt if we could get in at her church. Her reply "We are meeting at the school once a week and are currently in the middle of a building project" "It will take 12 to 18 months" - My thoughts - Have more services. More services means more offerings! Take about four a day 6, 7 days a week. Should have your new building in about a month - then we could come and sing 4 concerts in one day - EVERYBODY WINS!
Another fella said "We have one group coming in October." "I'll pencil you in for 2010"
What, are we the Beatles? We'll come do a sunday school party or something. Sheesh!!

Lastly, an interesting pick-up whilst shopping at Wal-Mart with the wife-o.
As we passed by some shirts she said "It's on clearance" "It's only $7.00" I said "It's free if you don't take one!" - My frugalness amazes me sometimes.

One last thing (even though I've already typed "lastly")
I've had some recent comments about not bloggin enough. "I check it a couple of times a week, but you don't update that often" I've heard. But my favorite was from one that said "I'll keep reading 'Dave-O Every other day' 'cause it's like once a week!"
Why don't you "Geet outa my blog?" - I'm kidding. Don't ever stop reading. ANY of you. I need you. I need you like the desert pants for the rain. Pants? On clearance?.........

Until next week, Capt'n Happ'n

Good Tidings

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let me rejoice and be glad that the office girls have left me alone for lunch. - DRAMA! But we'll save that for a safer time....
First off. The steak night went well. At this particular place, they don't have menus. Instead, they give you a two-sided card to flip. Red side up - they don't bother you. Green side up - get your stinkin' hands off the table 'cause there's about 7 guys with swords and cleavers with enough meat hanging off of them to re-inact the Rocky carcass punching scene! - Of course this meat was cooked. And was very good. I went to get my salad, accidentally knocked over the card flipping it to green.....when I got back to my table, Pedro was waiting for me to select a chicken to plop on my plate.
But the evening's finest moment came 3/4 of the way through. A waiter brought me a slice of key lime pie with a candle in it and said "for the birthday boy"

As the table began to say that he made a mistake I quickly hushed them, blew out the candle, and reminded them that you NEVER turn down birthday presents! (Even if it belongs to the (gulp) table riiiiight next to you) (Even if your birthday is a good six months away) (are you shocked that I'm not telling you the date?)
Moving on, there are many mixes in life. Male/Female. Day/Night. OJ Guilty/OJ Guilty...?
I found out this morning what happens when you mix redneck accent with hip-hop slang.
The infamous Starbucks drive-through-window-order-taker-person always has something to say. "Ya got uh long drive ahead of ya?" or "Cold out. Ain't it?" Which are harmless but still awkward for the Dave-O and Wife-O in the mornings. We just want our beverages. No conversation. In fact, you don't have to even ask for our drink orders. I think a little light should go off once they are ready for you to order. Then you press a button on the menu, put your money in (like the self check-outs at Wal-Mart) drive up to the window, reach in and grab your freshley poured items, and then drive off with a smile! :)

No. Not gonna happen with Marsha. :(

I assumed she would say something. Something profound like "D'ja hyair 'bout the plane that crashed in New York?" "BUURDS, they said it was!"

Well, she didn't say that, but she did reveal her urban side as she popped her head out after handing the wife the drinks and noticed across the highway that a police officer had pulled someone over. "Aw, did the 'PO PO' get him one?" she belts............................Andrea forced out a "guess so" then floored it out of there!! - Enough with the uncomfortable banter lady!

Here's hoping for a good weekend and knowing that my birthday is July 12!

Later, D. O.

Steak Night - after a week from the bad place!

I don't know if I'm glad this week is over only because I never know what the next week holds anymore. First off, this week we witnessed something that just gives you all kinds of warm feelings. - 5 fire trucks rushing to the next-door hospital! Apparently, a fire of the kitchen kind.

They say your resolve is tested most during the midst of the storm. Well, who is "they" and isn't Resolve a carpet cleaner? I think it depends on who you are as to when you are tested the most. For me, it's the waiting game for life's little diddy's to unfold. I don't mind the training, the introductions, the fighting....I hate sitting in the corner waiting for the bell to ring! But that's when we rest. Guess I'm not a great rester.

Friday had an array of swings to it. First, I had to drive in because I had to pick up my kids after work. That's fine, I just knew that I get off at 5pm and that I had to get them before 6:00p or it's $5.00 per child per minute after 6pm. Now I'm not that great at math - but that's like a $458,000.00 dollars an hour, or something!

So, I'm driving in knowing I have a small battle on my hands. The wonderful place, that saw no more need in me being employed, is refusing to pay my PTO time. Which, apparently stands for, "Pretty Tough to Obtain" - 'cause that's what it's turning into.

So, this is on my mind as I'm driving in AT or UNDER the posted speed limit. I noticed, parked on the shoulder of the highway, a Carter Bloodcare Bus with (the driver, I guess) pouring gas into it. Ironic that a company whose job description is taking fluid from people forgot to fill it's own tank with fuel!

I arrive to work. Begin my day, all the while thinking of whom (that's right, whom) I need to call at lunch (when it's appropriate to be on the phone or e-mail personal matters ;>)

So during my hour lunch I had to make a trip to my former place of employment. It wasn't easy returning to the dark side. I had a conference call with the the HR person and her Corporate counterpart. I was told some pretty disheartening things about people and what they had done/said to/about me. Using the "/" a lot/bunch today.

Needless to say I didn't get the answer I was seeking. Instead, I was asked to send a formal e-mail requesting my PTO. And so I did, once I returned to work. Unless the boss is reading...in that case - after work. (but it was during)

The afternoon drew a depressing breeze for me, BUT my two colleagues must have felt this and decided to cheer me up. They really did make my day better by doing things such as one of them belching so bad that it smelled like, and I quote "An elk died and a previous pile of vomit protruded from it's carcass." I, of course said that...and the raucious laughter insued. Nothing better than a pair of snorts coming from two giggling ladies! It may not have smelled that bad but I did ask that one of them fart...quickly! (You know, the old "did you fart? Well would ya?!!)

I needed that playful atmosphere to alter my way of thinking that afternoon. Because I was struggling with being the "better person." You see, I knew who the people were that did what they did and I wanted to do something back. But my two "able" co-workers advised against it- and for that, I'm grateful. (and I'm sorry I blogged about the belching thing ;<)

I guess I'll find out Monday what came of my wonderful visit, and ensuing e-mail.

But, before I go, I have one question. When did homeless people start getting so creative? I'm leaving Friday and I pull up to a four-way intersection and a homeless guy has a sign. Now, I'm not going to tackle the obvious issue of "where'd he get the marker to write?" - Instead, I'd like to focus on what it said.

Usually you get a good "Hungry. Need food, change." or a "Help, cold, homeless" - which are short, to the point and get the message across.

But, this guy shifted the old noggin' from first to fifth!

His sign read: "Homeless, hungry. Scraps would be nice. McDonald's would be great!"

What?? That's awesome! That's putting it out there. Honesty cracks me up sometimes.

Oh, yeah..."did I make it by 6?" - Let's just say that, after driving home AT and ABOVE the posted speed limit - I pulled out of the Daycare driveway with both of my kids in the truck with the clock reading 5:59pm!

So, tonight the wife and I are being taken out for a nice steak dinner. And that makes me say "McDonald's would be nice. Texas De Brazil would be great!"

Have a wonderful weekend!!

The Awkward Meter

Most of you know that I have a built in awkward meter. In fact, once, where I used to work, I took a paper plate, cut out a paper arrow, pinned it on, wrote a 1 to 10 number scale (somewhat like a clock) and hung it beside my desk in my cubicle. The reasoning behind this was due to the abnormal characters that worked there with me and would either come and talk to me, or would do something within a viewing distance and I would feel the need to raise the marker up to an appropriate level. (usually a nine!)

I kind of wish that I had it today. The girls and I had just fixed our lunch from On The Border that a rep catered to us. I took a plate full of goodies, or el-goodos to quote the pertinent vernacular, to my desk. I sat down to eat, and, about 40 seconds later, we were brought a patient that had a question about his bill. "Oh you're eating I see" said the guy that escorted the patient to us. So up hopped one of the dynamic billing girls to assist. I had to cover my plate with a napkin and turn to dynamic girl number 2 that had her back turned (hiding the plate 'o food) and say "the meter would be up there about now!"



Moving on. Last night I watched the People's choice awards and came to the conclusion that Carrie Underwood may be the greatest vocalist ever! The lip-synchers of the world could learn a lesson on what real pipes are. Keeping with the musical theme, let me tell you of one song that I could DEFINATELY do without. Julianne Hough's song that keeps repeating the words. Something about "rain" "rain" "rain" and jumping off a "cliff" "cliff" "cliff" - that wears me out and makes me want to plunge off of the third floor floor floor where I work!!



Thanks for spending a few minutes with the Dave-O!